Lunacy

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the imagery we find here may inspire us or torment us. Understanding the moon requires looking within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in this luminary that circles the earth every month and reflects the sun in its progress. Listening to those rhythms may produce visions and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a force that has legends attached to it. It carries with it both romance and insanity. Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it is only those willing to work with the force of dreams that are able to withstand his reflective light.

Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Et tu, Brute?

sound : a perfect circle - the noose

help me... please help me... im begging... i need stability.... today started off as a nice day... removed the virus from the pc... got an email from t... the market survey thing went great... just another perfect day of blissful decadence... and then POOF!... mercy nt called up from the US... spoke with papa and mama for like an hour or something.... they started talking about how minto, cinto and i... all of us have fucked ourselves up big time... minto's been jumping schools like a knight on a chess board... cinto doesnt want to study anymore and im too scared to do diddly-squat about my life... i got "the lecture".... but the shot that hit the hardest was when i found out why we weren't going to india even though we cant afford to stay here... it was me... my parent dont want to go to india because they are ashamed of people coming to know that im a bum... im not saying im happy being a bum... i want to be "normal"... i want to be the smart college graduate son that every parent dreams of... im sorry that im not... they put out some of my cousins as examples... i cant help it for being the dumbass in a genius family... my cousin nimal - graduated from IIT and has an awesome job.... one of my other cousins; shes also graduated from IIT (imagine... aerospace engineering.... i can never do that) and is working in canada.... all the younger cousins of mine (kids of my fathers brothers and sisters) - geniuses.... all of them highly ranked and shit... my dad - went through college on a scholarship... and since im the eldest in the whole family (being indian by "family" i mean cousins, second cousins, et al) everybody's like "what is wrong with you?"...

what is wrong with me?... why did i wait so long before i agreed to myself on doing my GRE?... at least im truly gonna do it now... im gonna register in the first week of October... for so long ive had this fear... im still scared but im guessing that step one of overcoming my fear is to face it.... im gonna do Literature in English and Computer Science... im also thinking of doing Psychology... but the problem with doing psychology is that ive never learnt it in school... indian education doesnt believe in broadening the spectra of the students' thinking farther than engineering or medicine or chartered accountancy ... ive already downloaded study material and im gonna buy the books and stuff as soon as possible... but theres no denying the fact that i still get kinda scared even when i think of it...

back to my earlier topic... i was shocked when i heard that they were so ashamed of me that they didnt want to go to india even though we're in dire straits right now... how can they answer all those probing, non-essential interrogations by the relatives back in india is what they told me... they told me to imagine what people will think of them.... i thought my parents were better than that... dont they have an ounce of integrity?... im sure this is gonna come back and haunt me some day in the future... the mental blow was too much.... i was pissed... why should they be bothered with what those gossiping bastards think?... all people do in kerala is gossip... the kids are all geniuses... everybody gets straight A's and as they reach adulthood, their brains deteriorate to the consistancy of highly diarhea-ic dog shit which was catalyzed by the sick mallu soap operas and other such drivel that is shown on mallu tv.... and my parents are so bothered by what these people say...

so what if i have long hair?... so what if im academically underachieved?... so what if im different?... it doesnt make me a bad person, right?.... why beat a fallen social-amputee (me) for the sake of family approval... why let the herd make your choices?... i know i can never stand up and tell people that im an engineer working for a big IT firm or a neuro-surgeon or a big fancy lawyer... but at least i can be proud with the fact that i try to understand my Self.... i try to discover who i am... and i do want to go to college... and because GED is valid only in the US thats where i gotta go... im just hoping that our family visa goes through because if it doesnt, my father cant afford to send me to the US alone...i swear i dont know what im gonna do if our visa doesnt come through.... ill be fucked. PERIOD.

i just hope i get there...

i seek the normalcy of the mean in society... i just want to live again.... like right now... how many friends do i have?... real friends?... 3?...4?.... is that even normal?... i dont want to meet new people nowadays.... thats how low my self esteem has sunk.... i am a person who is devoid of ego and confidence....sometimes i wish that i would just drop dead... im tired of this.... whats the use of all thins anguish that im going through?... am i rewarded in any way?... is "God" helping me out in his "mysterious ways"?... i just hope i can hold on till this is over... i am of broken spirit but want healing.... edify me please... tell me... console me.... help me....

peacerespectempathy

"The addiction of duplicities."

sound : the cure - disintegration

-==Disintegration==-

oh i miss the kiss of treachery
the shameless kiss of vanity
the soft and the black and the velvety
up tight against the side of me
and mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
and run in thickening streams of greed
as bit by bit it starts the need
to just let go my party piece...

oh i miss the kiss of treachery
the aching kiss before i feed
the stench of a love for a younger meat
and the sound that it makes when it cuts in deep
the holding up on bended knees
the addiction of duplicities
as bit by bit it starts the need to
just let go my party piece...

but i never said i would stay to the end
so i leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
screaming me over and over and over
i leave you with photographs and pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the scenery
songs about happiness murmured in dreams
when the both of us knew how the ending would be...

so it's all come back round to breaking apart again
breaking apart like i'm made up of glass again
making it up behind my back again
holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
holding it up behind my head again
cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
round and round and round and it's coming apart again
over and over and over...

now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces
i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
crying for sympathy,
crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
and the three cheers from everyone
dropping through sky
through the glass of the roof
through the roof of your mouth
through the mouth of your eye
through the eye of the needle
it's easier for me to get closer to heaven
than ever feel whole again...

i never said i would stay to the end
i knew i would leave you with babies and everything
screaming like this in the whole of sincerity
screaming me over and over and over
i leave you with photographs and pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
songs about happiness murmured in dreams
when the both of us knew how the end always is...

i just cant stop listening to this song... its so... true!.... robert smith is a lyrical
genius... my day's been horrible... woke up dreaming about super mario, read a little "hannibal" and felt kinda calmed out but this market research thing that im doing right now is really messed up... we're supposed to get people to go to the lipton office to be interviewed and shit like that... nobody came on time and the whole damn thing was a fucking flop... balls... i dont want to think about it...

im bored... by bored i dont mean "bored" bored... i mean tired... im tired of my life not moving... im tired of being the only one... im tired of being alone and fatigued... im tired of it all... i hate people, i hate my existence, i hate everything about me... what exactly am i?... right now... im a leech... all i do is suck outta my folks and exist... i dont live... i miss life...

ive been in this screwed up mood for the past few days... nothing i do cheers me up... i cant even think properly anymore...hallelujah for small blessings... obsession confession by slash just started playing right now... actually im kinda sane now thanks to my conversation to aj... thank god she listens otherwise id be totally screwed up by now...

THANKS AJ! You're an angel (or should i say a "blunt angle"???)

peacerespectempathy

Progression through Intellectualism

sound : desert sessions - wanna make it witchu (josh homme sounds cool as always)

its been a while since ive even had the chance to get access to a computer... about a week... not much has happened... kairali was ok... the pullikalli was a hit... i expected a mega flop... one guy going this way and the other going some other and stuff like that... but hey... they did ok....

i wrote a bit during the past one week... i mean wrote (with pen and paper!!)... the result wasnt all too bad... 2 poems, 1 horrible haiku and one story.... agreed i dont like the standard all too much but atleast my imagination is healthy... plus i like the story that i wrote... its called "STEVE (A Piece of Fictious Non-fiction)".... i wanted to type it out but its kinda long.... ill post it soon....

i realised that my mind wanders too much... i cant stay on one though... i keep associating it with something or the other and end up losing the flow of the conversation.... sometimes when i sit down to think about something i end up forgetting what i start with... is this a sign of some form of adolascent senility/dementia???... sometimes i come up with these totally irrelevant comments during a conversation and people look at me like i farted or something (no, i have not!!)....

i was thinking of this and that today.... i should continue drawing... i have some good ideas but they just dont seem to be coming out..... my standard of writing seems to be depreciating.... wow.... its been more than two years.... ive been sitting around doing absolutely nothing worthwhile for two fuckin years!!!... man i havent though of this before... i always think like the visas comin soon but what if it takes another two years?... i dont think i could survive that long.... most of my friends are finishing off with college and here i am sittin in my folks home doing absolutely nothing..... fuck....

i asked mama today if i could go back to india and atleast do some diploma course or something till our visa comes through... i find out we dont have enough cash for that... even if we got our visa i doubt i could afford going to college unless they have some sort of programme for me to work and pay off my tuition or something... but atleast mamas working here... papa doesnt even look for a job anymore.... god knows what hes got running through his head.... and how much ever i try i aint gonna get me a job thats gonna stay... not out here anyway cos im not a saudi national and i do not have a work permit... this country sucks.... when i told mama that i want another job she asked me why i quit going to the garage if i wanted a job... that was shit... i work my ass off and i dont even get paid... volunteer work i dont mind but fixing other peoples' cars and not being payed for it.... no way, jose!!.. thats not a smart deal.... if they had payed me i would have stayed but no pay, no way.....

im tired of people telling me to have faith... balls!!... faith is for morons... if there was a god i wouldnt have had to suffer so much.... if there was a god there wouldnt be wars and death... fuck god... god is just a creation of the collective psyche to babysit the fragile egos of all the insecure bastards who need some kind of pillar to lean on... well lean all you want but i aint going to... your "pillar" broke..... its basic human nature see, we all need someone to look up to.... we all need someone to blame all our follies... we all need a father figure.... "god works in mysterious ways" my ass.... its all random.... chaos reigns in this pitiful world os so-called order... according to me there is a spiritual realm... there is what we call a "soul"... but i do not believe that we are governed over by a superior being... god is the main reason of war (muslim/x-tian, muslim/hindu, jew/muslim)... everywhere you look there is religious violence... throughout the ages more people have died thanks to religious conflict than natural disease... even so-called "politics" is not free from the plague that is religion.... thats the main reason why we have stagnated as a species.... we are the dead-pool entity... we do not move forward... why?... because we dam ourselves through internal conflict and censorship... freedom is unfound even in our times... we are all part of the herd... the herd called society... even the few who want to break away from the herd and roam free through the plains of intelectual enlightenment are held back by our dogma... we must leard to free ourselves of the herd and push the envelope through thought... progression through intellectualism is a necessity.... if we continue going the way we are now... we are doomed to an existance of consumeristic, corporation-fuelled crucifiction.... follow the light of free-though.... break the mold people... that is what differentiates us from our primate cousins.... BE HUMAN!

peacerespectempathy

my state of non-Euphoria

sound : TOOL - Undertow

i hate this despondancy... i hate this boredom and i hate this mental state that im in... i feel so... so inadequate... i feel unaccomplished... i feel like a bucket full of shit... i feel saturated... i feel so full and ballooned up... infact, i am bored... i cant sleep, i cant even think... i have a sore throat and a horrible cough... i feel sick... my throat itches.... i cough to make the itching go away and my head throbs every time i cough... i cant swallow without feeling the pain of having the food scrape its way painfully down my throat... i hate being sick... i cant sleep.... i lie down on my bed... rolling from side to side i stay awake... i feel sick.... i cant think and i cant even get myself to type out the poems that i wrote yesterday... i feel sick.... I AM SICK!

peacerespectempathy

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole!

sound : david bowie - pablo picasso

for a change im feeling kinda good.... i got ad sense and the google search up and running... added the tagboard.... ive already earned 12 cents... Yay!!!... chatted with arun and aj for like 2 hours... learnt stuff about arun that i hadnt known before....

as i read through some of my more recent post i see a deterioration of quality... i see myself becoming a mere "entry-of-the-day" type of person... agreed i dont type in daily (i am still pc-less)... but my entries are losing quality... they lack substance unlike arun's blog....

im in quite a dilemma as of now... i have enough cash to get myself a distortion unit for my guitar... but even if i get distortion i do not have an amp... so i wont be able to use it... otherwise i could use something like 120 bucks on getting myself cds by aloke dutta and store the left over money for my gear.... or i could get myself an oud... an oud is the 12 string arab instrument that is played like a guitar.... for so long ive been howling at the moon about my lack of money but now that i have a little money, the choices are killing me... what do i do?... what do i do?.....

the iPOD is finally in saudi arabia.... i found out that Jarir Bookstore are selling iPODs out here... and they're the only ones... the 15GB iPOD is selling for SR1250....... the 40 will be something like 1800 bucks... the prices are good... but i dont have that much money..... but i can atleast be happy aith the thought that i can get one fast as soon as i get the money... right?....

i just realised that i am very materialistic... my whole post is about things i want to buy and money.... I make myself sick!

Remember 09/11/2002

peacerespectempathy

Agoraphobia

sound : TOOL - Pushit (Live) feat. Alok Dutta

Look at your blurry eyes,
Why are they spinning?
Why sneer at me?
Grunting and grumbling,
Frightened I stay inside,
Watching over my shoulders
And double-checking every lock.

Utopia in my head.
Utopia in my mind.
Utopia in my home.

Dare I join the flock?
Blinded sheep running,
Stampeding towards the edge.

Dare I be one of you?
Baffled by your dogma,
Crawling to your destruction.

Dare I leave my security behind?
The comfort, the warmth,
To walk out into your cruel, cruel world.

Dare I open the doors?
Turn the key and twist the knob,
To expose myself to your dirty stigma.

Euphoria in my head.
Euphoria in my mind.
Euphoria in my home.

I'm so lonely,
But it's ok because I am safe.
Zodiac lovers and bird watchers
They don’t scare me anymore
Because I have found God.
I look into his eyes,
And see that they are mine.

peacerespectempathy

My email to T

sound : some guy frantically trying to beat his keyboard to death

i went down to pay and leave the cafe but its prayer time so i guess ill stay for another half hour... i thought id post the email i sent to t....

hi there kiddo... how are you?... its wierd without you out here you know?... i went over to your place for mass and jamie was there but you weren't....even mike said he missed you :)... jamie is ok considering his best friend is in india... but you know how it is.. right?... ajnu has you email up in her blog and i read thru it... abt the guardian thing... its ok... nobody other than the first people who understand you (in your case - your folks) will truly understand who you really are... abt guardians... they'll fuss on you for a while and then it'll be ok.... you can do your thing... you know you wont fuck up and thats enough... sorry abt the tone of this email but im feeling all messed up right now.... but you should be happy though... be happy that you have your folks to understand you... for me its different...till i was 10 it was all good for me... papa and mama knew me... but after i went to india i lost my intimacy with them... after that all my support for the last 10 years are my friends... ive never understood my folks like i understood my friends throughout my teen life... but now... i feel like im finally bonding with mama... agreed they treat me like somebody i am not... but mama and me are getting along better now... so you should be happy... you can speak to yourfolks and stuff... abt missing jeddah... its natural.... you've been here your whole life and you will miss it... be happy abt that too cos you BELONG... you feel an affinity for a place... youve got somewhere to set your heart to when in doubt... be happy abt it and cherish it.... me and arun have the same problem... we both dont feel like we belong... i wish you guys were here... you, arun.... did you realise that i wasnt all too close with you until i came to jeddah?... those 2 yrs i spent here were not my best but i connected with you and aj and arun... by connected i mean i really got to know ya'll... you guys were my pillar.... god knows what i woulda done if ya'll werent around whenever i felt bad... i just went to arun and i felt much better whenever i spoke to you and aj... both of you guys were so full of everything... you must be thinking im goin all stupid eyed and stuff... its just that ive been thinking a lot abt my life after my bday and i had some stuff to say... remember the baha picnic... thanks... you and lini... thanks for not treating me like an animal after my outburst out there... i realized that a few ppl were treating me kinda differently... catiously infact... but you guys didnt show a sign.... thanks a lot... gotta say that to lini too.... actually im sorry you had to see that... it was all that pressure and stuff... all that steam building up and POOF!!! i blew up... its like one of those really loud farts.... you try holding it in but after a while KA-BLAAAAMO!!! you just let it rip... i guess that was one of life's farts huh.... balls... this email has been way too serious... hope your not bored.... onto lighter stuff.... theres a new song by the music :D.... its called "freedom fighters" and the singer does his dance.... heh heh heh.... abt the blog thing... why dont you?... guess ill stop here.... ciao little one.... PRE - avi

damn winmx is not downloading anything... crap!! chatted with aj and arun for a while... im feeling all shit faced right now... i just realised that im not in the mood to type anything out... i just want my life back. PERIOD.

peacerespectempathy

The pine tree speaketh...

sound : an annoying buzzing sound from somewhere overhead

im in ther cafe again... i had typed out a huge entry and before i could publish it... POOF!! the current goes...then i had to wait a half hour before the current came again... there was a fire in one of the building near-by... atleast nobody was hurt..... lemme try to type the whole thing again...

well... my internet connection was all messed up for the past week so i could not come online after my birthday... yeah im 20... ya-fuckin-hoo.... big deal... i dont feel different and i aint different... and i was freakin over something so stupid.... ok ok... its only been a week... with my super pessimistic attitude and the luck that comes my way im sure to be in hell by the end of the year... but there is some good news though... the staff in the US embassy are comin back and they have already given visas to 2 or 3 people here.... thats good cos hopefully our visa will come through in a few months (4-5 max)... then i can finally get my butt to college and be happy for a change...

the past weeks been ok except for the withdrawal symptoms caused by my not getting access to the internet for a week... i am incharge of the pullikalli (a traditional mallu dance done on onam) for kairali (the mallu club out here)... its traditionally done with some drums and people dressed up as tigers (pullikalli literalli means tiger-dance)... since im incharge i thought id fool around with tradition... i chose six kids and for the music i took sepultura's "ratamahatta"... now this rocks without a doubt..... then i realise that i dont have the mp3 anymore cos my pc fucked itself up and is on the fritz... so i go to aj's place and ask her and she doesnt have the song... im going crazy when all of a sudden i remember that i had made a mixtape for a picnic we had and i vaguely remember putting this song in one of the 3 tapes.... i ask aj and she brings me the tape and voila!... ratamahatta baby..... im happy and i start practice and stuff with just this one tape in hand... no backups... i thought that i could go one or 2 practices without a safety net and then go to bala unc's place and copy it onto another tape... well y'day i goto bala unc's place and my tape had the honor of being the first ever cassette to be chewed up by bala unc's stereo... so here i am... in a cafe... downloading stuff.... what can i say?... life sucks....now that im here i got the song butr i cant have a cd with just one song right?... so im d/lin a couple of other songs to fill up the cd... im doin velvet revolver's "superhuman" now....

i got a hilarious ecard from arun for my birthday... ill paste in the message below...

To my dearest Avi...
"All Hail the al-Mighty Kundi Man (PBUH).... the most gracious the most
merciful..."May the udder of a million cows shudder the love of the universe
upon thee... Wishing you all the merriest and happiest wishes on the planet on
this pompous occasion of joy and happiness ... your BIRTHDAY.... so my dearest
pine tree... hang around to spread the word of the Rastafarian ...
Proverbs 15:17 "Better is a dinner of herb where love is, than a stalled ox
and hatred there with." HAVE YOURSELF A VERY VERY VERY HABBEEE BIRTHDAY.. and if
you can get a MADAM TO BOOM BOOM it'll be NAAT AT ALL THE BAD MANNER
FOOLE!
With Love, Peace, Respect 'n' Devotion;
Arun

i guess he was stoned or something when he typed that out cos... WOW!!!.... roy unc gave me a cool gift...i guess he knows how fascinated i am with arab instruments... he bought me an arab drum... its made of brass and its shaped so that it sits under your armpit or inbetween yur thighs (if you are playing it sitting down)... its cool and whenever i see it i cant stop myself from knocking out a cool beat or two...

with the money i got after working in the summer i have realized that i am a very stingy bastard... seriously...all i have got myself so far is a capo and a strap for the guitar... the srat is cool... its a fender strap, its black and has fender embroidered on one end...

superhuman rocks.... im listening to it right now.... the downloads are getting slow again... more and more people are comin to the cafe... if i could have afforded a dsl connection it would have been cool... i could get whatever i want... music, movies, software, games.... anything.... plus i get all of these in minutes.... i hate dreaming... makes me depressed realising how shitty my life has ended up being.... fuck it all...

i gotta get myself an oud.... hmm...

peacerespectempathy

Virtual inZainity

sound : people talking all over the place and some guy listening to britney spears at full blast in his headfones

im at hyala internet cafe right now... i wanted to try and get back my mp3 by downlading them all over again... but guess what?... this cafes speed is pathetic... inZain said this place is super fast and the speeds are awesome and shit... but guess what.. it sucks... im doin TOOL's Salival and i think im gonna take abt 4 hours to do it... chatted with d after more than 2 yrs and found out why aj hates nirmal... heh heh heh..

peacerespectempathy

"...I was left alone, in a world so cold."

sound : Mudvayne - World So Cold

im reading "From The Holy Mountain" by William Dalrymple... its a cool book... its one of those travel logs... ive never read a travel book before but i like it... this guy's writing is superb... its about his travels through the middle east (turkey, syria, israel, jordan, egypt)... you feel like you are there while he explains the beauty and the grandeur of the early christian churches and monasteries that are being destroyed on a daily basis even today... i may not believe in organized religion but nobody should destroy culture... the turkish have managed to wipe out any evidance that the armenians even lived in their country by destroying the armenian heritage landmark after landmark, church after church... now there is nothing left...the art that was in those buildings were priceless... its like how the taleban destroyed the huge statue of buddha in afganistan... that was really sad...

as i've said before, my birthday is comin up in a few days... as of now im feeling so damn shitty i dont even feel like listening to music... my folks (as always, a favorite topic to rant on) had to poke me time and again today with the fact that i aint in college and how they are ashamed to be seen with me because of my long hair and (supposed) complascent attitude towards my life...

first things first... why do i grow my hair?... i dont know... it is not a fashion statement, it is not even comb-able.... but why?... what i tell people is that i believe in John Lennon's "Hair Peace"... but i know that aint true... i think the reason why i grow my hair is because as i child whenever i saw somebody with long hair (especially Bono or Michael Jackson) i still remember thinking "look at his hair... that is soo cool, i wish i had hair like that!"... after my life got screwed i watched as all my dreams of college shatter before my very eyes.... i can never say that i graduated from high school... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i just wanted to see myself with atleast one of my dreams realised... atleast i have grown my hair... i am not a world-famous comic like i wanted to be as a kid... i am not a biologist working from a tent in the amazon... i do not have a dog of my own... i have not been to a monastery in tibet... i have not lost weigh... i have not gone sky-diving... but atleast in my small way i have managed to do something that i had always wanted to do from the time i was a child... i have grown my hair... it may be a lame reason but thats the best i can give...

about my attitude to life... i dont know... i just dont like many people knowing how i feel... agreed its not very healthy to hold in my feelings but i always was kinda shy and closed out from the rest of the world... i never go to my folks for anything... i have never spoken to them during times when most kids go to their parents and rectify things with them, like during puberty and stuff... i have always relied on my friends and books...

they tell me that if our visa comes through and we have to ge to india i'll have to cut my hair... i dont want to cut my hair... so what if the people in india think shit about me... i dont care, why should they care?.... why are they ashamed of me?... i may not be an academic genius but i know and some other people know that i'm not a useless human being... its just that i need some time to get over myself and my fear... im still scared... why am i hesitating about doing my GRE?... im scared... im shit scared... i know i can get through the exam easily but after the 12th grade i shit scared of exams... i want to do my ged but i feel scared stiff... even the thought of examinations give me the chills (and im not joking here)... everybody comes to me for advice... even today... jude asked me bout how he should go and tell this girl he likes her but look at my life... its in shambles and i dont know what to do....

i've got 4 days left of me being a teenager:

did i enjoy my teen years?...
there were the good times and the bad times... lots of blood, lots of laughter, lots of tears and lots of... life!...

was it what i expected?...
no, i never really lived the teen life the way i had imagined me living them as a pre-teen...

am i satisfied with my teen life?...
i dont know... no, i am not... i have under-achieved, i have not changed society in any way...

am i happy?...
no, not at all...

why?...
for all the reasons stated above and in all my other entries in this blog...

this verse from Mudvayne's song "World So Cold" says it all right now

Burning whispers
Remind me of the days
I was left alone,
In a world this cold.
Guilty of the same things
Reveled by the cause
I was left alone,
In a world so cold .

peacerespectempathy

"I wear this crown of shit"

sound : NIN - Hurt
(i have got to listen to something more cheerful before i kill myself)

i finished the book (Adrian Mole: From Minor to Major) a while back... i sat back and strummed a few riffs and pieces whilst i pondered on the book... as i have said before, i have so much to relate to with adrian mole (to be know hereafter as AM)... his teen years were exactly like mine... smart and intelectual yet totally lacking in the field of academics... thereby screwing his life thanks to him doing poorly in his "A" levels (graduation)... his life was better in some ways... by the time he was twenty he had written a saga (The Restless Tadpole), an experimental novel (Lo! The Flat Hills of My Homeland) and has a job (however bad it may be)... and this is a guy who doesnt even exist outside the planes of literary imagination... look at me... look at me... i cant even drive yet, i have not been to college, i do not have a job, a major portion of my literary work was lost thanks to me being so damn secretive and so damn dumb so as not to back up my files knowing my pc was a piece of crap not worth its weight in diarhea-ic horse shit.... me the moron....

fought with the folks as usual... they say i shouldnt call my brother a retard... dont get me wrong, i aint shallow or anything... but the idiot gets on my nerves... i can repeat whatever im saying a million times with no response and now that i have found a way to get his attention, i am deprived of my only means of comunication to the over-rated rainman... "definitely need to get chatta [i.e. me] in trouble. definitely. yes, definitely some trouble for him,definitely."... balls....

the truth is - life is the biggest damn boot you've ever seen... and all this boot wants to do is stay superglued to your over-abused ass.... i shall restart work on my ode to heirarchial existance... it was an incomplete piece that was lost in the great hard disk failure of '04... as of the last time i worked on it, it was 36 (or was it 33???) verses short... i doubt if i can rewrite it to its former (publicly unknown) glory or even rewrite it, but i will try to... and if that does not work i shall try to write another piece on another topic in the same fashion.... my brains are turning into pudding thanks to all this non-stimuli around me... i am surrounded by morons (i think i should copyright that phrase) and live among the ignorant... i feel he redundancy of guilt, anger and depression... my life is fueled by the angst that drives the despotic and the mentally deranged...

I am Avinash Jose Ignatius, a depressed, moronic, mentally deranged, angst-ridden despot.

peacerespectempathy

What have I become?

sound : NIN - Hurt [i have been listening to this song on repeat for the last half hour]

-==Hurt==-

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

it was sunil unc's bday today... mama made some drawings of j. christ ispired by the work of luc feymanc... went over to his (sunil) place and stuff... listened to some classic santana.... santana during their better years... supernatural was good, but shaman was crap.... "oye como va" and "jingo" and "black magic woman" and stuff... borrowed a book - Sue Townsend's "Adrian Mole: From Minor To Major"... its awesome... i can relate to adrian so much... the way he dreams of his life, his thoughts on society and culture and his exageration of his own intelect... everything he does i can relate to... i remember i was exactly like adrian mole in the 9th grade... its weird though... a week from now i turn 20!!! TWENTY!!! ive got one more week of teen life left and theres so much in my life left incomplete.... some of the ppl i know are even getting married, some have jobs and are totally independant... look at me.... i havent even been to college yet... i have no money, i leech off of my folks, i aint even happy about myself... sure everybody thinks im the happiest guy on the planet... but hey, its a damn facade... ppl already think im a nut-case thanks to my different tastes, my attitude, my look and practically almost everything about me... one kid even came upto me and asked me if i was a thug (damn you mallu stereotypes on tv!! damn you!!)...

who exactly am i?... i know i sound repetetive by asking this question... but i have to... this is because i still have no answer to that question...

who am i?...

who am i?...

who am i?...

balls to it all!

peacerespectempathy

Working Class Hero

sound : John Lennon - Working Class Hero

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and tv
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There’s room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

peacerespectempathy

An Apology

sound : John Lennon - Imagine

An Apology

Follow me into the wild blue yonder,

And see patterns and noises to make you wonder.

Dirty, ugly monkeys.

Damn those monkeys!

Sit on a beach at sunrise

Watch as the mermaids race,

While the unicorns preside over

All that is seen and unseen.

Sing in joy merry little damsel

While we spy the unification

Of all that is physical and non-physical.

Patterns of chaotic order;

Beauty beyond the eyes of a babe

Operatic sea-horses praise gaia.

Oh mother, oh sweet gaia.

Lovely, lovely home and shelter,

Forgive us.

Forgive us,

We are but unworthy maggots

In your ever-welcoming womb.

Forgive us.

Forgive us.

peacerespectempathy

melting chocolate... hmmmm....

Listening to : tori amos - smells like teen spirit

today was the last day of summer school... or is it?... cos all the kids have been askin for an extension the schools gonna call up all the parents and see how many will agree to send thir kids for another two weeks... if it works out i'll have to go for another two weeks and frankly speaking, i dont mind.... there was so much food today - i was stuffed... plus hind gave me an extra huge slice of chocolate cake that she made... no kiddin it was the best, most creamiest, richest, darkest chocolate cake i have ever eaten... and she made it on her own... chocolate cake, hmmm.... i swear it was beautiful... i was eating everything else in moderation and when it was time for me to get the cake she gives me this extra large slice and i aint complaining... the thing just melted in my mouth and i aint exagerating here... hmmm... after distributing certificates (which i had designed :D) to all the kids, mama and me went and asked uzma about my salary... thats when we find out that she had already given it to mama at the begining of the month... all of us thought mama had gotten a 500 riyal raise this month but it was actually my salary... she went and gave it to papa thinking it was her's and he used it to repair the air conditioning in the jalopy that we call our car... she was kinda bummed when she realized this but strangely enough, i was ok... there was so much i wanted to do with that money (i wanted to get some gear for my guitar; new strings, a tuner, a stand and a hard guitar case) but i guess ill have to put that on hold with the rest of my life huh?... i guess ive gotten used to not getting what i want and im calm with it... or im getting soft.... damn, all this shit is breaking me.... crap!.... before everybody left leena comes to and asks me if she could have a word with me... she (believe it or not) thruthfully and very seriously apologized to me for (in her words) "giving me a hard time"... huh???... i didnt even realize... but she was sincere... damn sweet of her... atleast that proves that im not totally surrounded by morons... there are a few good elements amongst the dirt-heap that we call society....

its mama's birthday (MANY,MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY MAMA!!)... i know she wont be reading this but its ok... i already woke her up at midnight and wished her....

check this guitar out - 50th Anniversary Golden Stratocastor... WOW!!!.... oh yeah i learnt how to play the godfather theme.... heres the tab....

Godfather Theme

e:-----------------------------------------------------------------------
B:------1--0-----1-----0--------------------1--0-----1-----0-------------
G:---2--------2-----2-----2-----0--------2--------2-----2---2----------
D:2--------------------------3-----2--2--------------------------3--2--0-
A:-----------------------------------------------------------------------
E:-----------------------------------------------------------------------

e:------------------------------------------------------------
B:-----------0------------------------------------------------
G:--------2-----------1--2--------0--------0------------------
D:--0--3--------0--3-----------------3--2-----3--3--2---------
A:--------------------------0--3--------------------------2--3--0
E:------------------------------------------------------------

peacerespectempathy

Keralafornication

Listening to : APC - judith

here's an email i sent arun today... it pretty much sums up my day... i aint in any mood to retype the whole thing so im just onna post the email here...

hey arun

about everybody being in the dumps and shit...i wonder if it is the jeddah effect or something?... seems like im the only one left huh?...man i wish i were there.... today sucked... and i mean BIGTIME sucked.... went to this meh fil thingy... you know song and dance andcrap.... me with my french beard and ponytail - some of the kids thought i was a "kallan" <"kallan" translates to thief or rowdy in malayalam>...they shouldnt be watching so much mallu tv if you know what i mean... the damn thing is gonna go on till daybreak... we left halfway through... anita vargese is here and this was like some anita promotion thing... atleast 15 songs by her... plusanother 5 duets... then add in some of the most pathetic dances ever... there were these two guys dancing to this "sa re ga me" song... one of them seriously looked stoned.... i dont know whats this"barbie girl" fixation we mallus have... i swear... this tiny kid (she must be like 8 or something) and this guy... this mother-fucker was huge... im talking 5" 11', broad.... he's got this solitary streak right above his forehead, hes wearing leather pants and a black tee, plus hes got christmas decorations hangin from his body... no im talking monster mother-fucker here... oh yeah... not to forget the shades... lets call him SALMAN KEN... 4" girl and salman ken dance to aqua's "barbie girl"... man that was perverse... you shudda seen michelle (sunny mammen's little one)... she takes one look at SK and screams her little guts out.... she points at him and runs to sunny mammen who had to take her out of the room... this guy looks atleast 23 and hes doing this... my theory is that he was on an acid trip gone bad or something... how can any sane man in a right frame of mind even imagine dancing to aqua... and with an 8 yr old at that... and this guy was dancing like it was the coolest thing you could possibly do...i have been irreversably damaged psychologically... i swear it... i cant get that freaky bastard outta my head... its like how you never ever forget the most grotesque thing you see in your life (even if see it by mistake and i most certainly believe seeing this dance was one)... i mean... OH MY GOD!!!... what the fuck was he thinking?.... and the guy who looked stoned... i saw him later on wearing pedal-pushers.... PEDAL-PUSHERS!!!... what the fuck is wrong with this world... pedo guys dancing with 8 yr olds... guys in chicks' clothing... i've somehow ended up in some wierd distorted reality or something... this guy was walking aroung in chicks' pedal pushers like they were the hottest fashion statements ever.... huh?... mallus suck... jesus fuckin christ only knows why i ended up being one... proud, greedy, snobbish, lazy, dirty and ignorant.... talk about assholes huh?... guess ill stop ranting for now... regards to minto...ask him to mail me...

respect - avi

did i have a bad day or what?....

In[tro]spection

Listening to : Disturbed - Prayer

I prefer:

• led zeppelin over pink floyd
• black over white
• kate hudson over drew barrymore (both of them are hot. )
• jim carrey over adam sandler
• APC's "mer de noms" over "thirteenth step"
• a '69 gt500 shelby 'stang over the hummer h2
• boxers over briefs
• "the exorcist" over the "omen" films
• tool's "ænima" over "undertow"
• tori amos over britney spears
• beyonce's ass over j.lo's butt
• a harley hog over a 1000cc race bike
• tattoos over piercings
• austin powers over james bond
• hanibal lecter over voldemort
• big-assed biker glasses over tiny little pussy shades
• rings over chains
• john frusciante over dave navarro
• nirvana over pearl jam
• system of a down over slipknot
• music over movies
• jimi hendrix over joe satriani
• cheese over peanut-butter
• doughnuts over croissants
• pizza over spaghetti
• turtles over goldfish
• beef over chicken
• dogs over cats
• maynard over serj (both rock though)
• nine inch nails over marilyn manson
• the white stripes over jet , the hives and all those other "the" bands
• down-to-earth girls over the bitchy supermodel types
• being alone rather than being in some party surrounded by millions of people you dont know
• the blues over jazz
• thruthful imperfections rather than fake perfection

inter[natio]nal parasites

Listening to : the white stripes - jolene

i realized something... i cant write anymore... i want to write something but i cant... im outta juice... i watched the exorcist on dvd today... the new scenes (i had seen the old version before) are cool... i loved the spider-walk thing she does on the stairs... then there are the faces that pop up in the shadows and stuuf... i prefer "the exorcist" over the "omen" movies anyday... "bride of chucky " was playing on tv today... hmm... went to school to discuss the certificates and stuff (i'm designin them)... all i actually did was sit around and talk to hind and shuroug, pot a few plant (i actually didnt do any potting, just sat around) and had a few cutlets and lemonade which the kids made (today was cooking day)... for the first time i went in and watched suzy teach the kids during their dance lessons... man oh man... its no wonder the kids are all complaining... talk about crap music - backstreet boys, lou bega and believe it or not - BILLY RAY CYRUS of all people... ... i stood there in shock for a while and just left the room... i felt myself getting physically ill... blechhh!... backstreet boys.. brrrr....

the national policy out here is strange... last week there was this case about a girl who was raped by her neighbor and his pal... while doing so they videoed the whole thing on their camera fone and put the vid on the net... the guys are gonna be executed (i dont think they should be executed... castration would be good enough.... actually, execution is ok for rapists), but thats not it... as of now camera fones are banned in this country... i mean what the fuck?.... some freak records a rape and they ban the fone... cant these people understand that such sexual frustration is caused due to their segregation of boys and girls.... atleast they must understand that the human being is a very social animal... deprive a person of contact with the opposite sex and what do you get?... rapists, murderers and terrorists.... think about it... if these assholes spent more time thinking about how they can impress a girl than on things like "killing the infidels" and "fighting the jihad" we'd be in a much better place... im not just talking about islam... its about all religions... its all obsolete... agreed religion is necessary for us pitiful excuses of intelligence as a pseudo-nanny... most of us just need somewhere to turn to when in doubt... its ok.... its not that we all have to be atheists... just dont overdo it... once it gets messy, its useless... all you extremists (im talkin about muslims, x-tians and hindus here), all you manage to accomplish by your stupidity is to prevent us from evolving as a species.... how is progress possible with so much in-fighting?... as a civilization, we humans are most inefficiant... its a miracle how we've come so far...

Embryo God

Listening to : nirvana - come as you are

"He was an embryo god, not yet ready to be born. For ages he floated in limbo,
knowing what he had been, but not what he had become. He was still in a state of flux - somewhere between chrysalis and butterfly. Or perhaps only between caterpillar and chrysalis..." - Arthur C. Clarke [2010: Odyssey Two]

i'm strumming the riff from "come as you are" ad infinitum... maybe its a sign of my degenerative creativity?........ this incomplete-ness feels horrific... i want to create but i cant.... i am the "embryo god"... i am in a state of suspension... i do nothing... i feel everything... i am nothing yet i want something... what is it that i want?... i dont know.... maybe its material and shallow... maybe its more of a spiritual thing... maybe its physical... maybe i just need a life!

of non-creativity and non-entities

Listening to : jimi hendrix - all along the watch tower
 
i am not alive... my existance is baseless and futile... what meaning is there in this non-existance known as my life?... i am a non-entity of sorts... my existance is not acknowledged by others in any way deemed significant and worthy of the praise and comments of all the bastard genius around  me... i have no zest... i do not feel the urge to create... i cannot sketch... i cannot play guitar... i cannot write... i am in pain... i have no music in my soul or in my room... i am no alchemist... i am no sorceror nor am i a fool... i cannot control what is truthfully mine, yet i handle all the waste that is my life like mana from the heavens... i am my own and nobody elses, yet i conform to twisted, distorted norms set upon us by the bastard leaders of controlled-order.... why bitch?... why moan?... because i can... i exist but do not live... i exist... i exist... i am not alive...
 
in a vain attempt to find out my inner self i took a quick trip to utopia for the insecure and found out that i am most like one of the most truest people to grace my "uni-directional stuffer of nonsensical information down my gullet" (my TV)...
 

I AM CHANDLER BING!

Could you be any more like Chandler Bing?  You
are
sarcastic and scared of commitment!

Which FRIENDS character are you?

super constipation

Listening to : jimi hendrix - voodoo chile blues
 
should i even elaborate on what im gonna type?... why are we confused?.. because confusion is good... confusion leads to chaos... chaos is good, right?... nonsensical sense exists in nonexistance... phooey!

The Synaesthetic Colosseum

Here!

arun's blog... trust me... this is worth reading...

A-J-N-U

SHOUT OUTS TO AJ ON HER BIRTHDAY!!!

MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY DUMBASS!!

Damn you RIAA!! Damn you!!

Listening to : nothing :(

my hard disk died!!!... it has kicked the proverbial bucket... all my mp3s, all my poems, all my ebooks... gone!!... but wait... i gave the hard disk to sunil unc cos he says theyve got good data recovery ppl working at his bank... cool... the guy at the shop was like "im sorry, its gone..." bah... what does he know... plus sunil unc says he can get ua a pc for dead cheap from the bank... wow... but man was i bummed or what... right now im using one of the pcs from mama's school... if my hard drive is deemed unrescuable (is that even a word?) i guess ill end up using this pc only on weekends... but man do i miss my music... it must be some magick by the RIAA for downloading so many (about 2000, thats excluding the ones ive burnt to cds... if i add those me and arun would have collectively done about 10000 songs!!!) songs.... yeah... not saying that all magick is bad... but theres always the other side to all the shit that surrounds us right?...

Imbecilic Solicitude
aj's blog... go girl! go!

ooh-haa!!

Listening to : APC - Magdalena

"It's the human creative response. You want to create in response to destruction. It's just a natural thing, a response to the horror. Psychotherapists know that when you have monstrous feelings it's best to express them through creative endeavors -- making a painting, a drawing, a musical work, a dance, a theatrical production, or writing in a journal. It's a way to creatively vent the negative powers that can eat away at us.

This is the healing function of art and creative therapies. Even though we may not imagine ourselves becoming Olympic athletes, it doesn't mean we shouldn't exercise. Likewise, even if we're not going to be Picasso, it doesn't mean we shouldn't express ourselves creatively. In fact, it's an important function of the mind and body to integrate feelings. Using art to describe visionary and psychedelic insights has profound and important implication. Grof recognized this early on, and various psychotherapists who have dealt with traumatized patients. When you go through a psychedelic experience, it may not necessarily be traumatic, but ontologically it can be apocalyptic. Just as when a loved one dies, a child is born, or one falls in love - life-altering, identity-shifting experiences, like a first trip, calls for a complete rewiring of their philosophical circuitry. Psychedelics are on par with the most profound experiences human beings go through. The creative response is called for, and in my case this is what I do naturally." - Alex Grey during an interview with Trip Magazine [2002]

summer school started at HOPE today... i teach the kids karate once a week (saturdays)..... that girl i met at le mall... shes there as a volunteer... she came along with gina... and her names not whatever i wrote before... its shuroogh.... yeah and she wasnt all covered up and stuff today... frankly speaking the girl is kinda nice... not like most of the shallow butt-munches you find around here... for example: dinesh (ill get to him later).... anyway... it was kinda good... the kids didnt think i was an asshole and this little one named Hadeela kept asking me to teach her more... real sweet...

aj took us out on a treat at pizza hut a few days back cos i tutored her for her comp. sci. exam.... she invited her f(r)iend dennis to come too... he was scared to come over since g-kutty unc was there... what a loser... g-kutty unc was fun... we laughed so much none of us could eat a lot... later on after g-kutty unc left this guy walks upto us and says hi and says some crap about me being the leader of the group... WHAT THE FUCK?!!!... this aint some stupid lame-assed IISJ wannabe club... akhil said it best "i so dont like that guy!"... heh heh heh... hes got g-kutty unc's sense of humor...

i watched al pacino's "scent of a woman" a few days back... tres magnifique... a truly great movie... i cant believe i hadnt watched it before.... im planning on doing and epic seven part poem on the deadly sins... its a nice project to take up but i aint in the mood right now... but i promise ill start it soon....

SHOUT OUTS TO NEETU!...MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY!!!!

Hieros Gamos

The ascension of Venus
Coupled with the birth of the father;
Jupiter brought forth.
Hierarchy of the unholy
Removal of the blood, test thy faith,
Dirty, dirty visions.

Daughter of Eros;
O, blessed whore!
Rise! Above and beyond despair
Remove thyself from thy image
Light shines forth from thy eyes.
Disillusioned little child,
Suffocating on your own ego.

My beautiful Rose,
Your very features
Sfumato for my soul
And omnicular eye
Blissfully existing in ignorance,
Belligerent and ignorant
To all your peoples and beasts;
Under puppet-strings and servitude.

My precious Madonna, my little pet,
My mistress or my executioner?
Reveal all, my queen,
My goddess, my precious puppeteer,
All thy follies hidden by my skitoma.
Your beauty blinds me.
One more magical moment is all I ask,
Sing for me, make me weep,
One more self-indulgent hymn if you please...

Intertwined umbilical life-forces,
I beg of you shamed virgin
Enlighten me. Empower me.
Dirty, dirty visions.
Punish me my mistress;
Destroy all that is I
Till I fall down in death.
Afterwards I shall lay thee down
And pray to the Earthly Goddess to take your soul.
O, woe is I! O, the lonesome misery!

I sacrifice all I have
For one kiss, one touch of you
My sweet, precious Helen.
Take my blood and flesh
Carry me over. Take me there
O, beautiful Magdalene.
O, pure and clean,
Edify me, Purify my soul,
Clean my spirit of all that is holy.
On a platter of gold I leave you
My blood, my soul, my flesh, my mind.

For you, and you alone
I shall reach forth and skew
The five extremities of Venusian perfection.
Hold me long enough to inspire,
And damage me till I die of pleasure.
I watch you fill the crucible with poison,
Forcefully open your third eye
And remove yourself from the physical.
Rip the rose apart, perfection destroyed.
The quartet-bodied trilogy removes you;
You are banished my little precious,
Banished from all that you love, precious.

Bless thee little child,
Keep thee well.
Tables turned, now I am master.
Metaphorical irony;
The true miracle of existence.
Hark, I hear something?
Yes, yes, it is you,
Screaming in pain as the truth stabs you.
Awake my poisoned Cleopatra,
Arise and be you seated;
For now we are almost equal.
Here, take these two coins for the boatman.
While we cross my ugly mer de merde.

I Stole This Card

The Credit Card Prank

This guy is a fuckin genius!!

[insert title here]

Listening to : Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken

t left today.... i know im being kinda selfish here but thats kinda shitty.... lets get to that later.... weeks been kinda eventful actually... never got to actually penning down an entry though... my mp3 player still fucked up... no progress there anyway (kinda like my life aint it?... all goes well excepting for tiny blemishes and KA-BLAAAMMO!!! its over in a sec...hmm...) my pc's been bitching a lot... sometimes when i switch it on the bios does not locate the harddisks... ill have to hard boot it all over again.... hard boot; does anybody even have to use that term anymore or am i the only one?... plus the pc wouldnt open musicmatch for the past 4 days... imagine... i wanna listen to some music and the pc hangs... then i gotta restart and i try again and POOF!... again.... fuck!!... but today... hmm... maybe its a so-called "good day" huh?... musicmatch started working again... but truly... im giving the pc two months tops... i aint guaranteeing anything more than that... after that or maybe even before... the things gonna die... my moods been horrible the whole week... now theres just aj whos left.... and i dont get to see her all too much cos shes real busy in school and stuff... its wierd.... first arun left... then i get to know neet for like a week and she leaves... t left today... i aint in contact with any of my friends in school... i never make any new friends cos i find ppl too shallow... well, most of em anyway... past two days ive been goin with mama to help out the HOPE stall at "le mall" (i swear... that must be the corniest name for a mall ever).... its like a disabled kids week and all the major schools have stalls there... so im goin there at 5 in the evening and im doin free face-paintings on kids til 9 or 9:30... its real tiring but hey its fun... its not just the disabled kids there are normal kids too... but the only downside to this is that i gotta comb and tie my hair cos mama says i might scare the kids otherwise... plus the place is crawling with ladies and (not forgetting this is saudi arabia) they might get scared of me too... the foirst day i musta easily done a 100 or more... and today - something like 80 or 90 kids... but its real tiring cos i have to bend and do the painting even when im sitting... we spoke to this brit woman while mama was doin her baby and she says all the westerners are scared to even get out of their houses... its really sad... she says they came to the mall today cos her kids were getting real bored at home... stupid terrorist mother fuckers.... look at the place... its all screwed up because of them... oh yeah... saw a girl today... ok i didnt technically see her but i met her... she volunteered at the stall today cos none of the teachers came today.... names shehreb or something like that (i meet one good person and i dont remember their name... how sad am i?... but she had a tough name though)... i didnt bother talking to her at first cos she was like all covered up... and i mean all... you can just see that she has a face through this translucent cloth shes worn like a burkha... i usually move away from girls like that cos, i dunno... ive never personally known anybody who'd walk around like that.... well... we started talking cos she was fascinated about my name... didnt know i was x-tian with my name being sanskrit and all... got to talking with her (it was still wierd though... i couldnt see her eyes...) i find out her moms an american and her dads a saudi... shes studying in the university and shes doin english.... she wants to do special ed but the course is not available in jeddah.. wants to do her doctorate in english and then do special ed somewhere else... we got to how this place sucks and why im stuck here and stuff and she says she'll call me during the vacations and i could go out with her and her friends during their vacations... i said what any other self respecting human would do... i said yes... but right now im having my doubts over this... would other ppl want to hang with me being broke and a drop out?... like this girl and her friends are all big $$$$ crowd folks... do ya think they would really like to have a doofus like me with them?... but on the way out, gina (the person she came with, the owner of another institution here for the visually impaired) told me that she told her and that it was an awesome idea and that i should go with them... well i guess ill be goin then... the girl seemed kinda nice though... hmm... still feeling kinda wierd cos t left... i swear it is wierd... all my life i saw her as a part of jeddah... whenever i came home for my vacations she was there... trust me... things ore gonna get worse cos aj has her boards this year and she'll be real busy and stuff... i feel lonely already...