sound : a perfect circle - the noose
help me... please help me... im begging... i need stability.... today started off as a nice day... removed the virus from the pc... got an email from t... the market survey thing went great... just another perfect day of blissful decadence... and then POOF!... mercy nt called up from the US... spoke with papa and mama for like an hour or something.... they started talking about how minto, cinto and i... all of us have fucked ourselves up big time... minto's been jumping schools like a knight on a chess board... cinto doesnt want to study anymore and im too scared to do diddly-squat about my life... i got "the lecture".... but the shot that hit the hardest was when i found out why we weren't going to india even though we cant afford to stay here... it was me... my parent dont want to go to india because they are ashamed of people coming to know that im a bum... im not saying im happy being a bum... i want to be "normal"... i want to be the smart college graduate son that every parent dreams of... im sorry that im not... they put out some of my cousins as examples... i cant help it for being the dumbass in a genius family... my cousin nimal - graduated from IIT and has an awesome job.... one of my other cousins; shes also graduated from IIT (imagine... aerospace engineering.... i can never do that) and is working in canada.... all the younger cousins of mine (kids of my fathers brothers and sisters) - geniuses.... all of them highly ranked and shit... my dad - went through college on a scholarship... and since im the eldest in the whole family (being indian by "family" i mean cousins, second cousins, et al) everybody's like "what is wrong with you?"...
what is wrong with me?... why did i wait so long before i agreed to myself on doing my GRE?... at least im truly gonna do it now... im gonna register in the first week of October... for so long ive had this fear... im still scared but im guessing that step one of overcoming my fear is to face it.... im gonna do Literature in English and Computer Science... im also thinking of doing Psychology... but the problem with doing psychology is that ive never learnt it in school... indian education doesnt believe in broadening the spectra of the students' thinking farther than engineering or medicine or chartered accountancy ... ive already downloaded study material and im gonna buy the books and stuff as soon as possible... but theres no denying the fact that i still get kinda scared even when i think of it...
back to my earlier topic... i was shocked when i heard that they were so ashamed of me that they didnt want to go to india even though we're in dire straits right now... how can they answer all those probing, non-essential interrogations by the relatives back in india is what they told me... they told me to imagine what people will think of them.... i thought my parents were better than that... dont they have an ounce of integrity?... im sure this is gonna come back and haunt me some day in the future... the mental blow was too much.... i was pissed... why should they be bothered with what those gossiping bastards think?... all people do in kerala is gossip... the kids are all geniuses... everybody gets straight A's and as they reach adulthood, their brains deteriorate to the consistancy of highly diarhea-ic dog shit which was catalyzed by the sick mallu soap operas and other such drivel that is shown on mallu tv.... and my parents are so bothered by what these people say...
so what if i have long hair?... so what if im academically underachieved?... so what if im different?... it doesnt make me a bad person, right?.... why beat a fallen social-amputee (me) for the sake of family approval... why let the herd make your choices?... i know i can never stand up and tell people that im an engineer working for a big IT firm or a neuro-surgeon or a big fancy lawyer... but at least i can be proud with the fact that i try to understand my Self.... i try to discover who i am... and i do want to go to college... and because GED is valid only in the US thats where i gotta go... im just hoping that our family visa goes through because if it doesnt, my father cant afford to send me to the US alone...i swear i dont know what im gonna do if our visa doesnt come through.... ill be fucked. PERIOD.
i just hope i get there...
i seek the normalcy of the mean in society... i just want to live again.... like right now... how many friends do i have?... real friends?... 3?...4?.... is that even normal?... i dont want to meet new people nowadays.... thats how low my self esteem has sunk.... i am a person who is devoid of ego and confidence....sometimes i wish that i would just drop dead... im tired of this.... whats the use of all thins anguish that im going through?... am i rewarded in any way?... is "God" helping me out in his "mysterious ways"?... i just hope i can hold on till this is over... i am of broken spirit but want healing.... edify me please... tell me... console me.... help me....
peacerespectempathy
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