"...I was left alone, in a world so cold."

sound : Mudvayne - World So Cold

im reading "From The Holy Mountain" by William Dalrymple... its a cool book... its one of those travel logs... ive never read a travel book before but i like it... this guy's writing is superb... its about his travels through the middle east (turkey, syria, israel, jordan, egypt)... you feel like you are there while he explains the beauty and the grandeur of the early christian churches and monasteries that are being destroyed on a daily basis even today... i may not believe in organized religion but nobody should destroy culture... the turkish have managed to wipe out any evidance that the armenians even lived in their country by destroying the armenian heritage landmark after landmark, church after church... now there is nothing left...the art that was in those buildings were priceless... its like how the taleban destroyed the huge statue of buddha in afganistan... that was really sad...

as i've said before, my birthday is comin up in a few days... as of now im feeling so damn shitty i dont even feel like listening to music... my folks (as always, a favorite topic to rant on) had to poke me time and again today with the fact that i aint in college and how they are ashamed to be seen with me because of my long hair and (supposed) complascent attitude towards my life...

first things first... why do i grow my hair?... i dont know... it is not a fashion statement, it is not even comb-able.... but why?... what i tell people is that i believe in John Lennon's "Hair Peace"... but i know that aint true... i think the reason why i grow my hair is because as i child whenever i saw somebody with long hair (especially Bono or Michael Jackson) i still remember thinking "look at his hair... that is soo cool, i wish i had hair like that!"... after my life got screwed i watched as all my dreams of college shatter before my very eyes.... i can never say that i graduated from high school... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i just wanted to see myself with atleast one of my dreams realised... atleast i have grown my hair... i am not a world-famous comic like i wanted to be as a kid... i am not a biologist working from a tent in the amazon... i do not have a dog of my own... i have not been to a monastery in tibet... i have not lost weigh... i have not gone sky-diving... but atleast in my small way i have managed to do something that i had always wanted to do from the time i was a child... i have grown my hair... it may be a lame reason but thats the best i can give...

about my attitude to life... i dont know... i just dont like many people knowing how i feel... agreed its not very healthy to hold in my feelings but i always was kinda shy and closed out from the rest of the world... i never go to my folks for anything... i have never spoken to them during times when most kids go to their parents and rectify things with them, like during puberty and stuff... i have always relied on my friends and books...

they tell me that if our visa comes through and we have to ge to india i'll have to cut my hair... i dont want to cut my hair... so what if the people in india think shit about me... i dont care, why should they care?.... why are they ashamed of me?... i may not be an academic genius but i know and some other people know that i'm not a useless human being... its just that i need some time to get over myself and my fear... im still scared... why am i hesitating about doing my GRE?... im scared... im shit scared... i know i can get through the exam easily but after the 12th grade i shit scared of exams... i want to do my ged but i feel scared stiff... even the thought of examinations give me the chills (and im not joking here)... everybody comes to me for advice... even today... jude asked me bout how he should go and tell this girl he likes her but look at my life... its in shambles and i dont know what to do....

i've got 4 days left of me being a teenager:

did i enjoy my teen years?...
there were the good times and the bad times... lots of blood, lots of laughter, lots of tears and lots of... life!...

was it what i expected?...
no, i never really lived the teen life the way i had imagined me living them as a pre-teen...

am i satisfied with my teen life?...
i dont know... no, i am not... i have under-achieved, i have not changed society in any way...

am i happy?...
no, not at all...

why?...
for all the reasons stated above and in all my other entries in this blog...

this verse from Mudvayne's song "World So Cold" says it all right now

Burning whispers
Remind me of the days
I was left alone,
In a world this cold.
Guilty of the same things
Reveled by the cause
I was left alone,
In a world so cold .

peacerespectempathy