The Free Land of Philoklonthia

sound : Terrible Lie - NIN

"Think for yourself. Question Authority"

check out my nation.... it ROCKS!!!... The Free Land of Philoklonthia is located in the GROIN!!!.... heh heh heh... everybody pay a visit... drugs are free and the rich are oppressed... welcome on, welcome all!... welcome to my perfect state....

we got ganja!

"Philoklonthia is ranked 42,685th in the world for Largest Soda Pop Sector."

peacerespectempathy

PS: i forgot to mention this... it's steffy's birthday... shout outs are in order....

HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEFFY!

memoirs of an amateur circus clown

sound : God Put A Smile Upon your Face - Coldplay

i guess my freak out's over... atleast for now... i hate it when i go all moody and shit... whatever the case is i'm over it for now atleast.... fuckin' mood-swings!.....

i rode lavanya's cycle yesterday... me and akhil... the thing is that i havent ridden a cycle in more than 5 years... and the joy it brought me (to ride a bike again) was awesome... the images that came into my head at that moment were beautiful... me riding beside all those sculptures on the corniche with my trainer wheels still on... taking my brand new red bike and riding it through some puddles the after it rained, then having to go to the workshop cos my chains were all rusted.... these saudi kids throwing rocks at me and grabbing my bike when i fell down... mama going and screaming at the bastards later on (they were neighbours)... my taking a huge fall while trying out a few stunts out in the corniche, mercy aunty having to remove this piece of dirt from my hand with a surgical knife.... the memories rushed at me at such speed and yet i saw each and every one of them clearly.... all that just because i was riding a girl's cycle....

akhil took a small spill... we exchanged cycles after a while... i took karrunya's cycle (which was smaller) and he took the big one.... i looked like those clowns you see at the circus... you know?.. the huge fat clowns who ride around in mini mo-bikes and scooters... well.... me and akhil were racing and it is frickin' tough to cycle fast in a small cycle... so i went all speed racer on his ass... i tried to scare him by cutting him off... only problem was that i hit his front tyre and he went tumbling... luckily nothing happened to him.... i dunno what was wrong with us but the both of us were laughing like a couple of hyenas....

i doubt he'd have been laughing if he'd been hurt...

peacerespectempathy

something i can never have

- nine inch nails

i still recall the taste of your tears.
echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.
my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
scraping through my head
'till i don't want to sleep anymore.

you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.

you make this all go away.
you make this all go way.
i just want something...
i just want something i can never have

you always were the one to show me how,
back then i couldn't do
the things that i can do now.
this thing is slowly take me apart.
grey would be the color if i had a heart.
i just want something i can never have.

come on and tell me
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.

you make this all go away.
you make this all go way.
i just want something...
i just want something i can never have

in this place it seems like such a shame.
though it all looks different now
i know it's still the same.
everywhere i look you're all i see;
just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

come on tell me.
you make this all go away.
you make this all go away.
i'm down to just one thing.
and i'm starting to scare myself.

you make this all go away.
you make it all go way.
i just want something...
i just want something i can never have.
i just want something i can never have.

TWANG!

sound : Something I Can Never Have - Nine Inch Nails

the past week's been rough... the thing about surya... me freaking out outta the blue... people thinking that i'm gonna kill myself...and today... neet called me up today... she sounded all freaked out... i hate it when girls cry... i may be a chauvenistic bastard, but it breaks my heart to see or hear a girl cry... she was all bipolar about everything... i talked her through the situation and stuff and finally we both agreed on what i said... its funny though... how you try your very best to get out of something and finally when you get what you wanted it doesnt seem all too right... wierd are the ways of god-dude huh?.... anyway, its for the best of everybody... so there... i have blocked myself out af another situation... she's lucky actually... she wears her heart on her sleeve... most people do... but me... i lock it up inside and iron safe inside another iron safe and then i dump it in a bank vault in switzerland.... if i were a viking i'd be called TSP the un-hearted or something... and to top it all off... i broke a string today.... i lost my capo so i downloaded a tuner and i was trying out some alternate tunings... all i actually had to do was detune one step... i go off experimenting and TWANG!... my third string broke... i had to get myself another set...

its incredible the amount of bad karma i'm wading through right now....

i guess it's time for some good karma to pay me a visit... or better still... god-dude should prove to me that (s)he cares for me.... i'm a materialistic asshole so (s)he should get me a bose sound system... yeah... thats a nice deal... i get a bose system and god-dude gets my respect... heh heh heh... the cheapskate wont pull through... i know...

hey!... i must be the only guy on earth who loses a girl on valentines huh?...

i love myself to itty bitty pieces....

sheesh...

peacerespectempathy

suicidal imbecile... NOT!

sound : Head Like A Hole - Nine Inch Nails

i never realized that there were so many people who cared... i get 2 calls today morning from aj and akhil asking me whether i'm ok... and now arun calls me and asks me to come and chat with him... and i thought its my lucky day or something... then i find out that arun thinks i'm flipin'... i seem kinda desperate in my last entry it seams... yes, i was kinda pissed... i still am... the thing about surya left me feeling like crap... but hey... the rest of the stuff just came at the moment... but thanks you guys... for seeing to it that i dont kill myself... crap!... i just read the damn thing... it does seem a lot like a suicide note... IT ISN'T!!!... arun, aj and akhil... thanks... i aint killing myself just yet... and the people who want me dead- sorry dudes... not yet anyway... maybe later....

yes, i am freaking out... yes, i'm a nut-case... i've said all of this a million times... nothing new here... the thing is... untill i'm able to not say stuff like that, i'm screwed... i may be happier compared to what i was like last november or something... but i'm still the same old messed up person inside... my lack of self confidence is shocking... i can't believe that i do not even have a shred of self-worth anymore... oh well... must be another block i'll have to overcome....

i guess procastrination is a part of my very essence... i was born fifteen days late for cryin' out loud!... anything i have to do i put away for a later time... anything... work, studies, taking a frikkin' piss... i delay everything... atleast i dont discriminate... i procastrinate without discrimination...

i am a non-discriminating procastrinator...

"The Newest Commandment" is under works... and by the proudest of the lumberjack clan... one of my own... she who cuts many a forest shall start her own brain space... it is the "Daughter of the Cut-forest" herself... the one i call "TANI"... more details as they come in... maybe after completion so to speak... completion would be the creation... but since it is already created is it complete yet?... but for it to be complete shouldn't the creator officially finish or a sign of completion from the creator herself?... so will the completion of the creation of the incomplete.... Yenna Patti?

"Oh no, I've gone cross-eyed again" - Austin Powers

peacerespectempathy

TOO MUCH COFFEE MAN

Shannon Wheeler is a frickin' genius!

random

sound : Pretty (Ugly Before) - Elliott Smith

i'm scared... there's so much that i dont know... all this stuff about college... i'm lost here... i have no idea what i'm doing... i can't study, i cant even listen to music anymore... it felt like the past few days went by in some sort of hazy blur.... i guess i'm still scared on some level...

i had to give my ring to akhil in my dream cos i lost his ring.... and i was supposed to be his best man....

i have no idea what i should write for my essay.... i want to join college... what should i write?... don't get me wrong, i love writing.... its just that.... i dunno what to write about... especially for an admission into college....

everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...
everything means nothing to me...

i cried a few minutes back... i dont know why im saying this.... its not something i'd usually say....but i cried for a friend.... i chatted with surya a little while back.... she's not well... there's something wrong with her blood count... the doctors dont know what's actually wrong with her.... she gets sick almost every week nowadays... and today... she was in pain.... she couldnt sleep.... but the incredible thing is that she's still the same girl i've always known... bubbly, full of joy... i dont know how she does it but i swear... she has to be the greatest soul on earth for going through this with a smile.... makes me feel horrible about myself for bitching and whining about the small things.... more power to you susu....

i bit one of my nails.... the ring-finger on my right hand...

i miss my old friends.... suren, jude, surya, amrith, dee, uday, sibi, arjun, rakesh, adang,..... i wish i could see them all again....

i found out yesterday that mama wants me to perform with her at the french embassy in march.... she's doing this veena piece with mehboob on tabla and she wants me to play this background chorus like thing on guitar... it seemed kinda easy so i agreed....

i gotta make a call.... it's something i dont usually do...

i cant type anymore... this thing about surya... i feel like shit...

peacerespectempathy

CRACK!!!

sound : Orestes - A Perfect Circle

*-------------------------------*

KEY

Deputy Lance - me

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum - aj

Chinjunoddu chothikyu - t

Chinfive - akhil

*-------------------------------*

Deputy Lance says:
guess what...

Deputy Lance says:
i went out to buy a new guitar case...

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
yeah?

Deputy Lance says:
i wanted a hard one....

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
how much was t?

Deputy Lance says:
wait... lemme finish..

Deputy Lance says:
i go to international market...

Deputy Lance says:
i enter the first shop... nope... no case...

Deputy Lance says:
i enter the fender store...

Deputy Lance says:
nope... no case...

Deputy Lance says:
though i drool at the strat

Deputy Lance says:
then i go to the yamaha store....

Deputy Lance says:
i enter and the first thing i see is the guitar case...

Deputy Lance says:
music starts playing in my head...

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
oooh

Deputy Lance says:
i feel like el mariachi... malaguena playing and leather jacket

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
yippeee!

Deputy Lance says:
et al

Deputy Lance says:
i pick it up...

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
heh heh!

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
cool

Deputy Lance says:
black leather ase....

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
oh WOW

Deputy Lance says:
brown velvet interiors...

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum
says:
hot!

Chinjunoddu chothikyu
says:
mufaasa!

Deputy Lance says:
compartment for my plecs and strap and stuff

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
moist.....

Deputy Lance says:
i swear... moist....

Chinfive says:
aj is gettin turned on....

Deputy Lance says:
then i hold it in my hand and i cradle it like a baby...

Deputy Lance says:
i take it to the cashier and ask him the price....

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
with a doubt??.... impressive!

Deputy Lance says:
..........

Deputy Lance says:
.......

Deputy Lance says:
....

Deputy Lance says:
..

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
...............

Deputy Lance says:
.

Deputy Lance says:
........................

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
fuck!

Deputy Lance says:
drumroll please!

Chinjunoddu hothikyu says:
Falala!

Deputy Lance says:
............

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
...........

Chinjunoddu chothikyu ays:
and!>!?!?!?!?

Deputy Lance says:
760 BUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
i dont want ot hear it

Deputy Lance says:
i missed dieing right there!!!

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
OUCH!

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
YENDAMMO!!!!!!!

Deputy Lance says:
i felt like i had my nuts kicked in......

Chinfive says:
ouch

Deputy Lance says:
malaguena stopped... and i felt like a f-in mallu song was playing in my head...

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
his nuts are fine akhil!

Deputy Lance says:
confusion theerkinemmeee

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
lol...

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
ha ha ha

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
OMIGOD AVI

Counting Bodies like sheep to the rhythm of the war drum says:
i swear...

Deputy Lance says:
i swear...

Deputy Lance
says:
i heard my heart crack in two...

Chinjunoddu chothikyu says:
gulp...

Any story that involves me has a fucked up ending... SHEESH!

peacerespectempathy

.... COUGH! COUGH!

sound : Everything Means Nothing To Me - Elliot Smith

remember my last real post?... i feel "squeaky clean" and stuff?.... ha!... the karmic balances had to neutralize itself again.... i woke up the next morning with an evil cough and a really horrid cold... my head was throbbing... man oh man was god-dude getting back at me or what huh?....

------------------------------------------------------------------

dear itch at the bottom of my throat,

i know you were put there by god-dude just to annoy me.... i know god-dude too... so hey! you dont have to lie about it.... you know what?... you and me aren't all too different... nah.... actually we're both totally different... you i want to get rid of ASAP.... the truth is... i dont like you... not one bit... all those years in boarding school when i wanted to get sick you wouldnt come... i know you're here just to mock me... what are you guys?... tha league of TSP annoyances.... all of you... you, god-dude, britney spears, usher, nu-gangsta music, bollywood... yeah... i know what you people are upto... im onto you buddy... theres no escaping the eagle-eyed philosopher.... as of now.... im evicting you... yeah, thats tight... get the fuck outta my throat!!... i dont have the energy to cough one more time!... thats right mofo... OUT!!!

i have nothing more to say...

the very pissed off land-(or shopld i say throat)-lord,

The Scarred Philosopher

peacerespectempathy

I Believe

sound : Everything Means Nothing To Me - Elliot Smith



as a child i always believed that heaven was a place where all my dead pets would stay to invite me when i reach there... i believed that heaven was where i'd see my grandma again... i believed that all types of candy grew off of the trees in heaven and the rivers and lakes were full of soda... i believed that man and animal would live in perfect harmony like Eden island in the old phantom comics... i believed that heaven lay somewhere just above the clouds.... i belived that all good people would go to heaven...i believed that i would go to heaven....



i now know that i am not a good person....



will i go to heaven?



where exactly is heaven?....



what exactly is heaven?....



peacerespectempathy

Miss Misery

- Elliot Smith

(Dm) I'll (C) fake it (Bb) through the (F) day
With some (Gmadd9) help from Johnny Walker (Gm) Red
Send the (F) poison (Am) rain (C) down the (Bb) drain
To (F) put bad thoughts in my (A) head

(Dm) Two (C) tickets (Bb) torn in (F) half
And a (Gmadd9) lot, and nothing to (Gm) do
Do you (F) miss (Dm) me, (Bb) Miss (F) Mise(G)ry
Like you (Bb) say you (F) do?

(Ab) We met in the (Cm) park
Read the (F) lines in my (Ab) head
Told me I was (Cm) strong
Hardly ever (C) wrong I said man you mean

(Dm) You had (C) plans for (Bb) both of (F) us
That in(Gmadd9)volved a trip out of (Gm) town
To a (F) place I've (Am) seen in a (C) maga(Bb)zine
That (F) you left lying a(A)round

(Dm) I don't (C) have you (Bb) with me (F) but
I (Gmadd9) keep a good atti(Gm)tude
Do you (F) miss (Dm) me, (Bb) Miss (F) Mise(G)ry
Like you (Bb) say you (F) do?

(Dm(2)) I know you'd rather see (Gm) me (Bb) gone
Than to (F) see me the (G) way that I (F) am
But I (Dm) am in the (C) life anyway

(Dm) Next (C) door the (Bb) TV's (F) flashing
(Gmadd9) Blue frames on the (Gm) wall
It's a (F) come(Am)dy of (C) errors, you (Bb) see
It's a(F)bout taking a (A) fall

(Dm) To van(C)ish in(Bb)to ob(F)livi(Gmadd9)on
Is easy to (Gm) do
And I (F) try to (Dm) be but you (Bb) know me
(F) I come (G) back when you (Bb) want me (F) to (C)
Do you (F) miss (Dm) me (Bb) Miss (F)Mise(G)ry
Like you (Bb) say you (F) do?

[Transcribed by Matt Burgess]

sound: Miss Misery - Elliot Smith

its three twenty something in the morning and i've just had a bath....

i feel squeaky clean....

man, i love this feeling...

peacerespectempathy

what every kid dreams of.... 

On edifying this swollen ego

The chasm opens up below me.

From the depths a sulfur reek.

The seven headed Hydra rises up and out,
Curious and head-strong; like a child.

Thrusting themselves upon your ego
Writhing in pleasure, you merge.
Entities unite, you are now no more.

Why do you change?
Why do you weep for normalcy?
Fall back upon your shattered conscience,
You are now changed, you do not exist.
Witness the One in orgasm.

Wear the cloak of ignorance
This mask of indiscretion helps too,
Belligerent you are, yet you smile.
Embrace yourself, hold on tight.
Tighter and tighter till you choke yourself,
You deserve love. Love yourself.
Do yourself a favor, listen to me,
End it all, let go of this numbing constancy.

I want to embrace all that I am,
I want to bridle this dualness,
To permanently break this sphere.
I want to rip this cloth apart,
I want to deaden my pain,
To permanently destroy this ego.
I want to soften this touch,
I want to break down my insides,
To permanently shatter this conscience.
I want to peel this flesh off of me,
I want to ascend into the heavens, naked,
Make myself less solid and material,
To annihilate this fucking mind I own.

Confining myself into this paranoid shell,
I sink deeper down into my self-made prison.
I choose to let myself fall, I want to fall,
Fall down and break this dirty thought;
Once broken, I am free of my human mind.
I drop my leaden heart into your offertory plate,
Take it, take it and weight it against your ego.
Block your reverse jointed physicality
From the truths behind your head, your gods and lovers.
Overcome this state of dumbness,
Overcome all of this dirty thoughtlessness.
Shear the sheep! Slaughter the sheep!
You are one of them, remove yourself from the Whole.
Why do you live like this, void of self esteem?
Why do you bother? Why?
Your soul, your mind, so long forgotten;
Calcified, they are now dead.
They died fighting against ignorance.
"Ignore the non-ignorant!" The ignoramus commands you.
But ignorance breeds everything,
Without ignorance we are God.

An Interpretation Of TOOL Lyrics: Ænima to Lateralus

TOOL BOOK

This is an awesome book of lyrical interpretations of TOOL songs by Steven Caddy.

[ Vanilla Circus ]

Trent Reznor, Maynard James Keenan

Project: Tapeworm
Status: For more than four years, reports have circulated about this legendary hookup between Nine Inch Nails frontman Trent Reznor and Tool/ A Perfect Circle singer Maynard James Keenan. Fans got a sneak preview of one song when APC performed "Vacant" at a 1999 concert, a move that reportedly irritated the notoriously secretive Reznor. At different points, Tapeworm also featured NIN guitarist Danny Lohner, 12 Rounds bassist/drummer Atticus Ross and former NIN keyboardist Charles Clouser. The group had reportedly booked time in Atlanta's Southern Tracks Studios to record the album in August of 2002, but a spokesperson for Reznor said recently that the band is "not a functioning project," and the music is not likely to be released.

[ source: MTV News ]

Siddhartha | Part One| The Brahmin's Son

Siddhartha had begun to feel the seeds of discontent within him. He had begun to feel that the love of his father and mother, and also the love of his friend Govinda, would not always make him happy, give him peace, satisfy and suffice him. He had begun to suspect that his worthy father and his other teachers, the wise Brahmins, had already passed on to him the bulk and best of their wisdom, that they had already poured the sum total of their knowledge into his waiting vessel; and the vessel was not full, his intellect was not satisfied, his soul was not at peace, his heart was not still. The ablutions were good, but they were water; they did not wash sins away, they did not relieve the distressed heart. The sacrifices and the supplication of the gods were excellent - but were they everything? Did the sacrifices give happiness? And what about the gods? Was it really Prajapati who had created the world? Was it not Atman, He alone, who had created it? Were not the gods forms created like me and you, mortal, transient?Was it therefore good and right, was it a sensible and worthy act to offer sacrifices to the gods? To whom else should one offer sacrifices, to whom else should one pay honor, but to Him, Atman, the Only One? And where was Atman to be found, where did He dwell, where did His eternal heart beat, if not within the Self, in the innermost, in the eternal which each person carried within him? But where was this Self, this innermost? It was not flesh and bone, it was not thought or consciousness. That was what the wise men taught. Where, then, was it? To press towards the Self, towards Atman - was there another way that was worth seeking? Nobody showed the way, nobody knew it - neither his father, nor the teachers and wise men, nor the holy songs. The Brahmins and their holy books knew everything, everything; they had gone into everything - the creation of the world, the origin of speech, food, inhalation, exhalation, the arrangement of the senses, the acts of the gods. They knew a tremendous number of things - but was it worthwhile knowing all these things if they did not know the one important thing, the only important thing?

[Excerpt taken from the book "Sidhartha" by Herman Hesse, translated by Hilda Rosner]

Creep

- Radiohead

When you were here before,
Couldn't look you in your eye
You're just like an angel,
Your skin makes me cry

You float like a feather,
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special,
So fucking special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts,
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul

I want you to notice,
When I'm not around
You're so very special,
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

Oh...Oh...

She's running out again...
She's running
She's run, run, run
Run....
Run....

Whatever makes you happy,
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special,
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here...

"I just thought myself into a corner."

sound : Hoochie Coochie Man - Eric Clapton

its been a really eventful few days... everything's happening so fast its all a blur... numero uno on the list of happenings is that

I GOT MY VISA!!!

yeah... thats been the best(est) piece of news ive had in a looooooooong time... yeah... im flying high on that one... like WHOOOSH!!!.... hell yeah!.... the trip to riyadh was awesome... we stayed at siby unc's place (AMEN)... his kid was as annoying as hell... jesus wins.... heh heh heh.... bought myself a DVD... imagine... i got it for 30 bucks... usually a dvd costs something like 75-100 bucks... for 30 bucks... it was a steal... Pink Floyd Live At Pompeii: The Directors Cut.... the journey was good... we stayed with kadeer unc at taif... ate at this really cool lebanese restaraunt... romana.... the food was awesome... their Mushakkil Salattha (mixed salad) was awesome.... i can gladly say that the food from romana wa the best lebanese food ive ever eaten....

i'll post some pics from the trip later on....

sanzi's first birthday party was the day before yesterday... it was good... i cant believe how fast time flows... it seems like just yesterday that i find out bina nt gave birth... one whole year... wow!....

birthday greets (i know some of them are kinda late)

17th jan:

• tina
• nandu

19th jan:

• chachen
• suren
• dina

24th jan:

• lakshmi
• sanzi

those were a lot of people huh?... well... called t on her b'day... crap!... i just realized... i havent wished suren yet!!... holy shit! how stupid am i?... even after surya reminded me!!!... CRAP!!!

neet called up today... she sounded all happy... had her first smoke and she didnt like it... made me feel like crap about myself though... i promised her, t and arun that i'd call them but ive been too lazy to do so... how bad am i?... i dont even keep my promises anymore...but the truth is... i hate telephones... makes me feel wierd to talk into a microphone... even when i was little... ive hated phone conversations (unless im the listener) and ive always hated speaking into answering machines.... answering machines are just another way for the government to record our voices to study our mannerisms and speech patterns to falsely accuse us of doing the things that we havent done... the bastards!....

i cant believe it... i dont blog for more than a week and when i sit myself own to type something... BLANK!... i have nothing... i was expecting so much yet i have nothing to type about...

there's this blog ive been reading non-stop... i cant help it... its so sad, yet so beautiful... its the story of this woman's childhood... she wants to get it published... trust me... this is worth publishing....

--No One's Child--

then theres this other interesting blog... its sorta like mine in many ways... very non-directional... heh heh heh....

--Cliché Monster--

will pen in (how outdated is that phrase?) more when i get inspired...

i want inspiration....

can you inspire me?...

peacerespectempathy

Amma

sound : With Or Without You - U2



i remember my grandmother... i know that doesnt sound like much but the thing is that she died when i was four.... i remember her clearly....



i used to call her amma...



i remember that she used to always keep a couple of packs of fruity and 'appy for me in the little refridgerator that was in her hospital room.... i remember that she had the same eyes as mama.... come to think of it... mama's starting to look just like her....



i remember that she had to do this sunlight therapy or something... she used to use these colored plastic sheets that were kept in cardboard frames to direct sunlight onto parts of her body... she used to give those things to me after she used them and i used to throw them around like multi colored frisbees...



she died of a kidney failure.... i was four and i was the only grandchild that she had seen on this realm... my first cousin was born 3 years later... its funny... i still feel attached to her.... maybe its because i knew i was her favorite...



i was her only grandchild...



i was her favorite...



peacerespectempathy

ladies and germs

sound : Slow Hands - Interpol

we leave for riyadh by car today.... got some tapes and books ready for the long journey... our interview is on the 19th....

wish me luck....

peacerespectempathy

Monkey Pics

sound : Pink Floyd - Money

the mind of the lonesome works in mysterious ways (kinda like god-dude's huh?).... more changes up ahead.... im planning on a new project.... Monkey Pics... a sort of photo group blog thingy... ive sent invites out to everybody but i doubt anybody is going to accept.... im the only jobless one amongst us so i guess im gonna be handling Monkey Pics on my own... i guess all im going to do is post pics there... not planning on writing much... maybe just captions and stuff... basically its just a place to chronicle our worthless existances in pictoral form... click on the link to go to Monkey Pics.... or click here

im also thinking of updating my links... i dont read some of the blogs there cos they've either turned boring and/or they do not update anymore.... plus there are other blogs i read and its too damn hard for me to find them in my unsorted favorites list in IE... so i guess it'll be easier if i put them up in the blog so that i can click on a link and be there fast and not waste any of my precious time searching through my very large and very unsorted favorites list...

on a more random note.... i can't seem to be able to control my hair anymore.... i guess it's revolting against me or something.... i gotta find the gandhian strand of hair who's organising this civil disobedience thing on my head... its like the hair knows that i want it to not go where it goes.... i know i did an evil deed when i cut it but i couldnt help it... i had to do it... i know what i'll do... i'll ask my hair to obey me... plus i'll see if there are any terms or conditions that i'll have to agree to before they listen and agree to those too....

hmmm.....

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dear gandhian hairs on my head,

i know you're really pissed off by my cutting you guys... i know you guys feel it to be a big (pardon the pun) conspiracy or something, but seriously guys, you know me.... you've been with me since i was born.... have i ever done anything to hurt you?... agreed the years i spent as a kid when i used to spike you up with super strong gel might have hurt you a bit... but come on, all i wanted to do was make you look cool...

i love you guys... all you've ever given me was good looks and stuff... i never wanted to cut you... i swear... its all because of kerala.... (oooh kerala... someday.... one day......).... i like you... you guys havent deserted me yet, you guys are an awesome shade of dirty brown, you guys are curly.... see i really like you.... but if you guys continue doing this i'll have to resort to very strict measures... like today, i went to the store and got myself a can of wet look gel... see.... wet look... i didnt get super strong cos i felt sorry for you... i like you... im a nice guy... i know its all the trauma of being cut short and stuff... if you cooperate i wont use the gel... except maybe for a few special days... otherwise no chemicals... nada....

hoping you guys will cooperate....

thanks....

the guy you grow from,

The Scarred Philosopher

I feel like a monkey!

sound : John Lennon - Jealous Guy

2005... the big O-5... we're finally here

agreed 2002 wasnt all too great, 2003 just plain sucked... but hell... 2004 was by far, the worst year i've had... EVER... i wouldnt want anybody to have go through the rollercoaster that was 2004... agreed there was the good stuff but the shit really outweighed the good stuff... i took a serious beating in 2004... physically and mentally... after goin through that there's almost nothing left of me (mentally).... its like my brain got squished under a steamroller... my self confidence is at its lowest... my ego... what ego?.. i dont have an ego anymore... i lack self respect... and im horny as hell...

i have become the lowest form of man...

but 2005.... '05... im gonna grab the year by the balls and straighten my life out... hell yeah!... im gonna ace my SATs and GRE... ill become super-avi... anybody in my way... im sorry man... im gonna kick your ass...

GOALS FOR THE YEAR:

• kick SAT and GRE butt!
• join a good art school and hopefully find some way to work and pay my own tuitions...
• learn to drive
• get myself a strat
• get laid
• buy the led zeppelin complete recordings box set
• improve on scales and soloing
• lose weight (i say this every year)
• get myself a 60 gig iPOD
• did i mention getting laid?...

yes folks, i am feeling positively positive today... albeit a little lonely, but positive nonetheless... went for my medical exam... the typical stuff... chest x-ray, blood test and a stool test... [making like Mr. T] "I PITY THE FOOL WHO TESTS MY SHIT!... I PITY THE DAMN LAB TECH!..."... i mean, how sorry is that?... agreed the cash might be good, but damn... i wouldnt like goin to work and have to do tests on pieces of other people's shit which they bring in in small hospital issued containers... poor bastards.... oh yeah... i didnt have to go through the prostate exam... now for me, thats a reason to be happy in itself... i aint much of a homophobe... to each his own and stuff... but somebody touching my testicle and asking me to turn left and cough... no way jose... that aint my idea of a proper test... they should fuckin outlaw the grab-his-genital prostate exam... we live in an age of machines and computers... i wouldnt mind a computerised prostate exam or something.... but this guy grabbing my balls... its just not my idea of fun....

apple unveiled its $99 iPOd... perfect for poor folk like me...

oh yeah... i havent mentioned this here yet.... i cut my hair....

i had a haircut... right now i look like a fuckin egyptian (no disrespect to all you egyptians out there but i prefer to look like me and not like you... you know... its the whole individuality thing).... i go to this lebanese salon... the guy who cut my hair was a very gay looking lebanese guy who didnt know a word of english.... luckily i had arun with me... i gave arun my instructions in english... he spoke to the bengali cleaner guy in hindi and the bengali cleaner guy in turn conveyed the message to the guy who was cutting my hair in broken arabic.... it was fuckin hilarious... it was like a bad game of chinese whispers or something.... i get a haircut, a shave and a facial... i go home and mama's like "you dope, you've got a mullet!"... OH MY GOD!!! i spend most of my waking hours making fun of religion and politics and soap operas and mullets and (god-dude forbid) i had just gotten a mullet!....

so the next day mama grabs a scissor and does her magic on my head... from now on she's gonna be my personal hairdresser... beats the salons... you dont have to wait, you dont have to pay and she understands what im saying... now thats a sweet deal if you ask me... plus mama can cut hair cos she was the one who used to cut my hair till i was 10.... right now my hair's ok but i prefer my long hair.... but since there's nothing i can do about it i guess i'll learn to like my new do...

hey!... looking back on what i'd just typed, im not all too negative... not negative at all... hey... i can even say (in all honesty) that this post was positive... WOW!! more power to you positivity....

peacerespectempathy

Post Script

hey neet, arun... you guys said i should be more positive.... how's this for a start huh?...

Bring Me The Disco King (Lohner Mix)

- David Bowie ft. Maynard James Keenan, John Frusciante,

Milla Jovovich and Danny Lohner

You promised me the ending would be clear
You'd let me know when the time was now
Don't let me know when you're opening the door
Stab me in the dark, let me disappear
Memories that flutter like bats out of hell
Stab you from the city spires
Life wasn't worth the balance
Or the crumpled paper it was written on

Don't let me know we're invisible
Don't let me know we're invisible

Hot cash days that you trailed around
Cold cold nights under chrome and glass
Led me downriver of perfumed limbs
Sent me to the streets with the good time girls

Don't let me know we're invisible
Don't let me know we're invisible

We could dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire

Feed me no lies
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Breathe through the years
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Bring me the disco king
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Dead or alive, feed me no lies

Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the head of the disco king

Spin-offs with those who slept like corpses
Damp morning rays in the stiff bad clubs
Killing time in the '70s
Smelling of love through the moist winds
Don't let me know when you're opening the door
Close me in the dark, let me disappear
Soon there'll be nothing left of me
Nothing left to release

Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire
Dance, dance, dance thru' the fire

Tell me no lies
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Breathe through the years
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Bring me the disco king
I don't know about you, I don't know about you
Breathe through the years
Dead or alive

Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king

Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king
Bring me the disco king, bring me the disco king

I Heart You

sound : The Cure - Alt. End

we've been through a lot more than most people... mw'll all meet again... trust me about that... i'm sure of it... maybe not tomorrow or the day after, but we will meet... the universe will do this for us....

all the good time's we've had... all the fun... all the fights... people, i'm overwhelmed... i can't help but break out crying... arun said it bes, "Its the end of an era."...

tina, you were the baby sister i never had... you were the one i used to protect as a kid... you were the only person whom i even bothered to look after even when i was in my craziest stages... i remember you staying over at our place atleast twice a week just so that you could be with us... i love you kid.... truly... i love you... you were my compass at all my moments of confusion... you are the only one who can stay so god-damned steady at all times... i will miss you...

arun, you were the twin i never had... you always were the biggest around... you've been around since eternity and i know you will be there... you were always there when i was in shit... without you i would've killed myself a long time back... trust me dude... thats the highest praise i can give... you saved me from myself... thank you... thank you... thank you... you've always pointed me in the right direction... you were the one who saw me for who i am and helped me better myself... a friend like you is hard to come by... dude, i love you...

neetu, you were always right about me... you really knew me way before i knew you one bit... you knew that all my childishness was just my way of sidetracking all commitment in my life... if i've ever hurt you before, im sorry... for trying to steal your easter gift, im sorry... for me being mean to you, as a child or even now, im sorry... i know i was a moron as a kid but you bore all that i had to offer... you are one strong girl... thank you... i love you kid... you helped me find me... thank you... you were the one who showed me that i have something good in me... thank you... you bared your soul to me, that in itself showed me your level of trust... thank you kid... i love you... a lot...

the rest of you guys... i will say goodbye later... we do not part ways now... but trust me... you guys are equally important...

i really dont want you guys to leave... i will miss you all....

I LOVE YOU ALL!!

why the fuck are goodbyes so damn painful?

why do we have to go through this?... why cant life just stay as it was?.. fuck this... words aint doing this any justice...

i love you guys...

we will meet again...

I LOVE YOU

peacerespectempathy

through the eye of the needle...

sound : The Cure - Disintegration

everybody's leavin....

so much for being positive... t and neet leave tomorrow... arun leaves the day after... ill be left here with nobody to even talk to... aj and akhil are busy with their exams... yeah... i will be busy with mine too, but i need to converse... i am but human, aint i?...

why is it that everything good just stops being that way just when you really start to enjoy it?... will it always be that way?... will it always be that way?... will we always have to suffer the pains of being beaten back into place by the truth?... with all the energies that lie in the truth why is it that we always have to suffer for it?... why do we have to bear the brunt of seperation... arun's goin to canada, t's goin to bombay, neet's goin to kerala, i'll be (hopefully) leaving soon, aj will leave after her 12th, akhil's leaving next year (i think)... why?... wont even two of us be together... why does fate send us all away to different parts of the globe?... why?... why?... why?...

agreed its all for the better... arun's already got his big break... t and neet are in college... hopefully ill get my big break... we're all growing up...

why do we have to grow up?... agreed i still behave like a child... i know that i am getting older... me liking it or not... i am scared of commitment in all its different forms... all forms of thought drives me crazy... instinct is what makes me who i am... i thrive to be a child again... i thrive for the moments of simple pleasures... the easy innocent pleasures that on gains through the smile of a loved one, the feeling of ecstatic joy gotten while you play with your friends... the terrorized gasp that you breath while you are caught in a game of hide and seek... i miss the decadence of childhood... all these memories are just stains now... stains in the fabric of my life.... stains i wish never to remove... ever...

so it's all come back round to breaking apart
again breaking apart like i'm made up of glass
again making it up behind my back again
holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
holding it up behind my head again cut in deep
to the heart of the bone again round and round
and round and it's coming apart again over and
over and over

now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces i'll
pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
crying for sympathy crocodile cry for the love
of the crowd and the three cheers from
everyone dropping through sky through the
glass of the roof through the roof of your mouth
through the mouth of your eye through the eye
of the needle it's easier for me to get closer to
heaven than ever feel whole again

i never said i would stay to the end i knew i
would leave you with babies and everything
screaming like this in the hole of sincerity
screaming me over and over and over i leave
you with photographs pictues of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
songs about happiness murmured in dreams when the both
of us knew how the end always is...

we all know how the end always is...

i dont like it...

i hate the end...

i hate it...

i hate the end...

i hate this feeling of helplessness...

FUCK YOU!

peacerespectempathy

I resolute

sound : The Cure - Alt End

the skit went of without a hitch... everyone acted beautifully... the costumes were awesome... the recording went off without a single glitch... it felt awesome... i swear... the skit was so good that we deserve an oscar... everything about it was awesome... ill post pics of it as soon as arun sends them to me...

ive been having long talks with neet and arun and stuff and the general consensus among all of them is that im way too negative... i guess now being the new year and stuff i should take a shot at this resolution thing that everyone talks about... yes i resolute that i shall be more positive this year... that shall be my resolution... to be more positive... i shall be like bizarro-avi... i will be the opposite of what you all know... i will be positive...

i will be more positive....

i will do well in my SATs...

i will get my visa and join a good college....

i rule!....

peacerespectempathy

yikes!... that doesn't even sound like me... lets see though...

Mommy, can I keep it?

sound : Mick Jagger - Old Habits Die Hard

the whole day's been good... i cant stop smiling... i seriously feel like a kid again... not bad huh?... 2005... (knocks on table) so far so good... the interview and stuff... wow... im fuckin speechless....

but theres so much to do (yeah, yeah, i know i'm a whiney ass)... i gotta finish my GRE ASAP... then my SATs too... (wow there were a lot of abbreviations back there!)... i've got so much to do... i'm real happy and stuff... but kinda scared too... wonder if i'll continue whining and bitching about stuff when i finally get the stuff i want.... i guess i will... bitching is in my nature.... im a natural born whiner... there's no stopping the whiner in me... wonder when i'll see any of the folks out here?... will i ever meet them again?... will it be like most of my friends from school?... will all comunications just seize to exist?.... agreed i'm still in touch with some of the guys from school, but will i meet these folks again.... will we ever get to be all together again... will there ever be another new year's eve's eve party of this caliber again?... i will miss them... all of em... some i've loved since they were kids... some i sorta understood recently... mostly their all i had here... im goin through the same motions that arun went through...

to all of you... i love you all... from the bottom of my heart.... truly.... you guys were my pillar.... you guys... i have no words dudes.... arun, aj, t, neet, akhil, lini, joel.... big hearts to you guys... i'm getting all emotional here...

i will miss you guys....

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there is always a price to pay right?... for every good, the equal amount of bad that exists to equalize the karmic debt.... well, it's true... all this joy about our interview and stuff.... its all good... every bit of it.... but.... i have to cut my hair!....

I HAVE TO CUT MY HAIR!!!

i cant believe it!... its not about the folks at the interview or anything... not at all... it's my folks.... i've ranted about this earlier.... they claim they cant go to india with me if i have long hair... it seems its too shameful for them to be seen with me with long hair.... just because im not a genius means i gotta have short hair... why stop there... i could cut my hair real short with patches and stuff and claim to be rainman right?... definitely shouldn't have long hair... most definitely cut mut my hair.... dont get me wrong... if it were for the interview and stuff it was ok... i wouldn't mind.... but claiming that it was too disgraceful for them to be seen with me with long hair... now thats way below the belt.... they have no idea how hurt i am by that.... fuck!... all i do is smile and act happy and these people tell me that they are ashamed of me... helloo!... what happened to parental support and all that crap.... i have to do it too... man i hate myself... i say anything now and it'll unleash all the fury of an emotional tsunami.....

i'm gettin it cut on the 7th... the day after the program...

7th jan - the day avinash cuts his hair.....

aww man....

the thing is... i'm attached.... really attached to my hair... agreed it'll grow back and stuff... but hey, 2 years of natural growth.... it's the perfect length right now... just below the shoulder and stuff... its the perfect length, the perfect color and the perfect texture.... if i cut it.... man, i'll lose it all... but i guess i'll do it....

i think i have no karmic debt.... i guess i've payed my dues....

good - my interview is set, everyone got together again,

bad - i may never see everyone together again, i have to cut my hair, i havent got my guitar

aww man...

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An open letter to God-dude about my hair

dear god-dude,

please don't take my hair away from me... please?.... you've have kept me fat... kept me broke... kept me single... and kept me in hell for way too long... i havent got anything i've ever wanted... i dont have my guitar and i haven't gotten laid.... please?.... please let me keep my hair..... i know you do this to mock me... come on... have a heart... please?...

PRE - avi

peacerespectempathy

OUR INTERVIEW DATE HAS BEEN SET FOR THE 19TH OF JAN!!!

help me... im hyperventilating....

staying alive!

sound : TOOL - Crawl Away

it's been a while.... lots happened and i am positively sure that i have atleast 2 (cheers akhil, neet!!!) readers.... the tsunami struck... thousands of lives were lost... personally... i wont talk about the wave much... its way too depressing...

had an awesome christmas party... ok, so it wasnt on christmas day... maybe i'll call it the eve of new year's eve party (ENYEP)... yes... ENYEP it is!!!... truly... the thing went off without a hitch... tapeworm was kinda subdued... everybody had fun... the most fun was at something like 3:30 or 4 in the morning... we all were in retro mode... usually i dont dance... well ok.. i dance sometimes... but you cant call it a dance... all i do is sort of jiggle... yes, thats the word... i jiggle...now dont get me wrong here... i love music... i love everything about it... its just that my body doesnt respond to the rhythm as well as i want it to... well... at first there was this bhangra session goin on... me being a devout bhangra hater, i stayed away... i find bhangra inanely boring and super-moronic... i seriously dont get what all the excitement is about a bunch of no-brainers jumping around while pointing at the sky?.... things really started lookin up when the music went retro... we played everything from boney m to abba to michael jackson... we were in retro heaven... me and arun were trying our best to recreate the moves in thriller... people really started getting excited when staying alive came on... it was good...

went home after that at noon on the 31st... tried swimming but the water was freezing cold... went home and poof!... i was asleep... i basically slept the whole of the last day of 2004... that night we had a small get together at neet's place... lots of pic taking and stuff... lini managed to get one of me begging... g-kutty unc managed to get a bottle of smirnoff from somewhere...

overall, it was one of the better days... one of the few better days....

damn, i like the better days!

peacerespectempathy