why hath thou forsaken me?

Listening to : a perfect circle - diary of a madman & love song (live)

im so hurt i have no words to describe it right now....

Yahoo! News - Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

what a moron?!!!

i told you we were surrounded by morons...

WOW!!

NewsFactor Network - - Boy Uses Internet Spy Plot to Arrange His Own Murder

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Listening to : tool - pushit

im feeling really depressed.... i really want to join college... if only i had got good grades in high school... its been exactly 2 yrs now.... ive been home doin nothing... just wasting away... i really want to be normal again... in college, lotsa friends, happy... yeah happy... atleast if our immigration papers were done in india we would have been gone by now... by last july even... imagine... i could have been in college by now... latest news is that all visas from saudi arabia has been indefinitely delayed till further notice... what the fuck?!!!... we cant go to india cos its just the last stages (the interview and the medical exam)... and even if we go we cant afford the tickets back right now... shit... papas been jobless now for 1 year and 10 months... now if our visa is cancelled - im dead... i havent passed high school... just my ged... ged is good enough for colleges in the states but i cant do wack with it in india... ill have to do my 12th grade all over again or something... fuck.... sometimes i wish we could go to india cos right now we're bankrupt... zilch, nada.... we aint got shit in the bank... over the past 2 yrs weve used up our savings and right now were running on fumes... and i aint exaggerating... man if i were in india id do something and earn a minimum of 5000 rupees and take a much needed break... actually it wont be a break, itd be more like a journey of self-discovery... yeah... id hitch hike till nepal and join a monastary for half a year or something... i really want to do that... ive always wanted to go to nepal and ive always wanted to truly study buddhism... shit, i dream too much... nothing ever works out my way and why do i continue to dream like this... i need some sort of release... im bottling up so much that i feel like crying right now... i dont know why i say crying because i truly cant understand exactly how i feel... but one thing i know is that crying leaves you with a sense of relief that cant be brought on any other way (lachrymology)... its like god's using you as a shit-pot... nothing good happens... everything you want is taken away from you... most of what you need is totally destroyed or not within reach... i really want to understand all this... and ppl ask me why i think so much about reason and causality and purpose... its because i find no purpose in my being... why do i exist if all i ever experience is pain... maybe its true... buddha said that all life is pain and joy exists only after we have lived through the punishment that is life... maybe thats it... all life is pain... theres no true joy in all this crap... maybe the few moments with friends and those rare moments with famile and those even rarer moments with yourself are like tiny breaks in this big cycle of hurt and pain... i really need to keep myself occupied... im driving myself insane...

i am a flesh eater again!!!!

Listening to : yeah yeah yeahs - maps

yesterday i sat down and typed out a huge entry and guess what... my pc crashes and it all goes... after that i just went off to bed... my pc is dieing... last week were the results for the 12th and 10th graders out here... t got 85%, neethu - 68%, lini - 68% and sreekala - 90%... man if i got scores like that i would have been running round jeddah naked or something... they all be real smart...

yesterday all of us went way out to tuwal to eat fish the real arab way... it was good... i broke my veganism after 5 months... as of yesterday im a carnivore... aj brought steffi along and i saw her after many moons (months actually)... there was grass there and everybody was trying to do handflips and stuff... imagine... me 92 kilos... and i can still pull off my old stuff... everything except the backflip... im scared of that cos i WILL (theres no might here) dislocate my shoulder again... afterwards i was comin home in g-kutty unc's car and he missed the exit in the highway... we reached home at 3:15 in the night... i stayed up a little while and found out t's marks, chatted with laksh and neeth for a while and as i was typing out an entry... POOF!!!... the pc crashes....

"Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away."

as of last thursday i have officially quit work... ok not officially... i havent told the guys at the workshop yet... but atleast this time mama has agreed... and plus this karate teaching gig at mamas school means cashola... so hey... and plus im looking for another job... anybody out there know where i can get a job in jeddah email me ASAP....

im thinking of doing a fictional blog or something of the sort... something in the likes of "the blog of my left pinky" or "the blog on the formation of a turd" etc.... thats a good idea... lemme think about it...

the new Insanitarium

Listening to : dave matthews - gravedigger (acoustic)

ive totally revamped my blog... added comments, filled my profile, put up a pic... et al... shall pen out a real entry later... respect

Listening to : velvet revolver - slither (this song rocks!!!)

its been a while... not many goin ons in these parts... work sucks as always... life sucks - period... been really moody over the past few days... i have a feeling i need to see a shrink or something... prozac be-eth my mana... this guy at work... robin... he told me to take a break and look into myself... he said i have issued/demons i need to clear.... i know that.... always man... thing is i dont know how to go about it... i miss life... i miss the normality thats present in the plain and the mediocre.... i miss the old me... the me that never used to think... i was happier as a moron... once i start thinking i get really depressed.... sometimes im scared... sometimes im angry.... seriously wish i could get a real job... will be teaching karate at mama's school in the summer... will get some cash but i dont think ill use it on myself (bye bye guitar...)... ill give it to my folks they need it more than me right now.... pay the bills and stuff... life is shitty.... been listening to dave matthews'ravedigger a lot too.... its an awesome song... very real.... thing is... i hate it all... didnt go to work today cos i slept til 12 in the afternoon... i was awake til 4 last nite... look at me... its 1:40 and im still awake... its not just that... i aint interested in workin at the workshop anymore... atleast if i was paid something?... what the heck... i believe intensity leads to drain... lets think of thing lighter... shits light, right?... i aint makin sense... think ill go...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... aaaaaaaaaah yes.... what a relief....

ps: all blogger sites are unblocked again... maybe big brother does read the email i send them?...hmmm....

Jungian Types Test

Jungian Types Test - a cool jungian analystic test

a true artist

Alex Grey - now this is true art... this guy is a fuckin genius... he does most of the artwork for TOOL

Bunny Tsunami

Bunny Tsunami - this is one good blog... good reading... thank god blogdrive aint blocked... think ill move here... hmmmm......

stupid censoring mother-fucking cock-suckers!!!!!

Feeling : really pissed off
Listening to : tool - hush

do you know what?... these bastards have blocked all blogger sites... you get the blogger dashboard but none of the weblogs... i dont get to read any blogs anymore plus i dont get to read my own blog (agreed im as vain as the devil).... what the fuck is these ppls' prob huh... havent they heard of the basic human right - freedom of expression?... stupid tyrant mother fuckers... do they think that the oppressed ppl out here wont rebel just because they block a three fourths of the internet?... stupid bastards... no wonder all the sons-of-bitches out here have the brains of fleas... all their data intake is regulated to such an extent that they are fed the shittiest of the shit available to them... cant they go and shut down all the terrorist schools instead... and ppl go about complaining that job ad out here are unrealistic (just because companies ask for ppl to be fluent in english and computer literate... yea theyd rather be stupid).... they go on like this and its not gonna be just terrorist they're gonna breed... they're gonna creme de la creme of the ignorant.... bastards.... theres a limit... i cant even read my own blog... i wont be putting back the comment system cos- I CANT READ ANY COMMENTS!!!!!.... yall email me....fuck the system... destroy forced ignorance.... break the wall of censorship... peace all

ps: can somebody pls email me a proxy address that i can use... one from someplace that doesnt censor stuff.... thanx

From ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Feeling : alive
Listening to : TOOL - Third Eye

things have been kinda messy over the past two weeks... three days back there was an accident.... a school bus accident... seven girls and one teacher died (R.I.P.)... it was really sad... got me thinking about Shihab (a class-mate of mine who died the year before last in a freak train accident), my g'dad and susamma aunty... in the saudi gazzette there was no explanation on how the accident happened but in the local mallu papers they said that a saudi tried to cut the school bus off and the driver, trying to save the bus from crashing into the car swerved off the road and toppled over a few times and hit a lamp post.... it was really sad... all those kids- so young... their whole lives ahead of them and POOF!... its over...so many injured and in the hospital right now and the worst part... two of the kids who died were the daughters of the driver... really shitty all this... the saudi guiy who tried to cut them off... he should be castrated and fed to the vultures... stupid sonovabitch!! how can the bastard sleep at night knowing that all this was because of him?...

last week i was like "im quitting work to search for something that pays me atleast a little money"... i stayed at home till sunday and then my moms says i gotta go back to work... atleast for a month she says... they dont understand how it is... i started goin so that i would get an experience certificate and hopefully learn to drive... its been three months and i still havent learnt how to drive... i had asked my dad and he had to act like a prima donna and say no like the prick he is... all this because i think... i shudda not thought about the moral implications of stealing the car and teaching myself how to drive when i was thirteen... you get screwed over by your own morality... plus i was in boarding school the whole time so i never got a chance there either... now i go back to work on monday and when i get there the owner of the workshop tells me to take a break for a week (WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) cos the cops and the labor dept are going around taking ppl working without work permits to jail... so here i am at home... dreaming abou the money i dont have which ill use to get myself a nice electric guitar and an amp and distortion pedals and listening to lots of zeppelin, APC and TOOL...

was jaimie's bday today... went over there and stuff... they returned from egypt last thursday... t gave me a bookmark with heiroglyphic markings on it... and guess which book im reading?... "The Eye of RA" by michael asher....heh heh heh... lakshmi gave me the fifth season of friends on divx.... the stupid thing wouldnt play on my fossil of a pc... so ill be goin over there on friday to watch it at her place... aaah "eulogy"... one of my fave songs of all time just started playing just now... "He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. We'll miss him.".... i swear the percussion intro is awesome... danny carey's use of the tom toms are awesome...

i asked one of the guys in the gym if he knew anyplace where i can get a job... he said hell ask around and tell me... ill be seeing him tomorrow... lets just hope he gets something for me... the air conditioner in my rooms been busted for he past few days... i havent been sitting online for that long, havent been playing guitar because its soo fucking hot... imagine working in a workshop under an asbestos roof with no airconditioning... plus the temeratures reach 35-40 degrees... celcius that is... its friggin sweltering out here... then you come home and you cant enjoy the comfort of sitting in your room and relaxing because you a/c is busted... damn life is for the dogs... hail crappola....

too lazy to type...

heres a little something i found at another blog...

Love Life by Asphyxiate
First name
Favorite fruit
Number of computers in your house
Number of lovers you will have in your entire life	3
Number of "true loves"	4
Your future	Potbellied bum living alone
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

RRRRRRRIP!!!!

Feeling :
Listening to : aerosmith - back back train

bland as hell... im bored so much that im reading homer's "the odyssey"... i aint some mega nerd guy but the book is good... funny incident at music class today... this guy sitting next to me farts!!... god was it loud... ive never heard a fart that fucking loud in my life... it was like "RRRRRRIP!!!!!"... i was loke "OH MY GOD!!"... he goes "sorry" and walks out.... dude, you wanna fart - get your ass to a bathroom or something... dont fart next to me... i mean "RRRRRRIP!!!"... thats way too much.... went over to t's place after that... thankachen unc. and fly goin to egypt tomorrow... they be goin for a week.... went over to say bon voyage...

chatted with arun and sure for about 2 - 3 hrs last nite...

i learnt the guitaring for the new lenny kravitz song "where are we runnin'"... its an awesome track... got a few songs from the new aerosmith album... theyre awesome... truly... its old school blues... think classic aerosmith... (pre walk this way with run dmc)... its the real deal... its very raw and dirty.... real blues.... love it.... back back train is my fave so far.... its all good... "the grind" is the only song in the album that isnt a cover... its a true to the bone aerosmith track with all the elements of an aerosmith-ian ballad but they still manage to fit it into the flow of a true blues album... awesome stuff... gotto go ppl... peace all... RRRRRRRIP!!!

The Insightful Linguist

Feeling : ok
Listening to : tori amos - siren

i did this iq test at tickle.com and my iq is 127... i aint retarted!!!!!.... anyway this is what they said....

"Congratulations, Avinash!
Your IQ score is 127

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Tickle's Classic IQ test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate; to read more about the science behind our IQ test, click here.

During the test, you answered four different types of questions — mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We analyzed how you did on those questions, which reveals the way your brain uniquely works.

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist.

This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results. "

i may not be the smartest but i aint stupid... cheers excretors

removing comments for a while

ill be removing my comment system for a while... there was a glitch in there somewhere... will be back soon... empathy all - avi

rest as ash in a landfill little reptiles....

Feeling : blue
Listening to : string quartet tribute to TOOL - sober

had the most horrible week... both of my tortoises died in a span of 3 days... was really depressed after that... they got some disease... their shells became soft and then their lower shells start bruising and they stop eating and poof... they die.... cant help but think its my fault... maybe they werent getting enough nutrition or something... or maybe the got parasites... called up the vet clinic and they said they cant do wack unless i take em there... a checkup costs like 200 riyalls out here... plus there are no cheaper or free clinics here... i tried my own medication on scratch (confucious died first)... i tries giving it tiny doses of paracetamol and milk for calcium... maybe it ODed on panadol thanks to me or something... the ending is the worst part... i unceremoniously dumped them in a dumpster... i guess you could say i had them cremated... i lost one of my rings yesterday... the one that says "om mane pedme" (thats a tibetian chant to buddha)... the only good thing happening right now is me starting to go to the gym again... this time its another place but i still feel kinda guilty cos its like 200 bucks a month and right now...thats hard to come by (my dad is unemployed right now)... but this place is good... its run by an ex-mr india... the facilities are good... i go for 2 - 3 hrs a day... im controlling what i eat, i walk to the place, et al... im woking hard... if i dont lose weight this time- theres nothing i havent tried...

passions and gyms and grease

Feeling : contemplative
Listening to : meshuggah - the mouth licking what you've bled

watched "the passion of the christ" today at bala uncs place... agreed it aint a cinema or anything but it was a pirated VCD, the copy wasnt all too bad.... there was quite a few of us there... it was awesome... i am (what i personally prefer calling myself) a passive christian... most of my beliefs are kinda zennist.. good and bad karma, energies, integrity of one with their surroundings... but jesus was a good leader... he had the charisma to pull of something as good as starting a new religion... the movie was made really well... kudos to mel gibson... very graphic but truly touching.... the flashbacks were placed at the exact times such that they were relevant and not bothersome to the flow of the story... but according to me the best idea in the whole movie was the image of satan... their idea of making satan a hairless female with a masculine voice is awesome... (as mama said - satan looks like marilyn manson! heh heh heh) the androgenous face (thanks to there being no facial hair) mixed with the very non human (almost gollum-esque) voice made their version of satan really spooky... the only thing i did not understand in the movie was the child (of gollum??? :D) satan was holding in one of the scenes when jesus falls down and looks at satans direction... what did the child signify?... was it the irony of maddona?... or was it perhaps symbolic of the mass over which satan had control at that time?... or was it to show that the people whom jesus was saving (shown by the child... the purest of humans) turning onto him (thus the ugliness of the child as it smiles mockingly at jesus)... awesome flick... you cant say that the movie breeds anti-semitic hatred cos all pics if this type has that message... and if some x-tians get hyped up by this pic then they're as bad as the islamic radicalists whom they blame for anything bad in this world... shall start goin to a gym from tomorrow... will be working in the workshop only till the afternoon... YIPPEEEEEE!!!... i wont be a greasy bastard no more!

Angel of Grunge

Feeling : sad
Listening to : nirvana - come as you are

flying high above everything
he looks down on us
pain, happiness, anger, confusion
all but an illusion
be receptive, vocalize
respect.... you are not forgotten

Rest in piece kurt...

Hello when I'm crashing

Feeling : happily lonely
Listening to : john frusciante - song to sing when i'm lonely

went to this cultural program thingy a few days back... it was the crappiest thing i ever went for.... i swear im never goin to one of those places again...it was horrible... the place was filled with no-brained, gay-looking, bollywood-wannabe types staring at the girls like a bunch of pervs...one of them were even wearing shades at 11 in the night!!!!... i told mama its gonna be crappy but nooooo.... i had to go... it'll be good she sez... blech!... oh yeah... this kid - shedda... like 10 or something... she takes me away from the crowd saying she wants to ask me something... i was bored anyway so i said ok... she takes me to one side and makes me promise ill tell the truth... i was hesitant but i said ok... then shes like "avi chettan, do you have a girlfriend?" ("chettan" is mallu for bro... like how the japs say "san")... i said no... then she looks at me funny and asks me why... i say something like... "dunno... maybe coz i look like an ape... plus nobody my type"... then shes asks me how old i am and i tell her.. then she tells me that i should be having a girlfriend and that i should do it asap... it was funny actually... a little ten yr old telling me tha facts of life... she even asked me to tie my hair... kids are awesome... very receptive... call me crazy but i prefer small talk with a little kid to any damn conversation with an adult (excepting a few)... kids understand... they care too... i always tell ppl that kids are the realest things around... always true... it was real sweet of her actually... but later on i got to thinking... she was right you know... im almost 20 and im single...

change of topic before everyone (theres max 2 ppl other than me who reads this blog) falls into the pits of lonesome misery...

i went to the doc yesterday... been having this ear ache for the past few days... only when i chew mind you... hearing and stuff perfect... just the pain... i went to an ent at a local hospital and he says it might be calciferation (??? dont remember the word... building up of calcium) in one of the bones behind my ear and one of the nerves back there might be getting crushed each time i bite down...thus causing the pain... he said it usually happens to "stout and muscular young males" like me!!!... man was i happy... im stout and muscular... the doc asked me if i go to the gym... i say no and he says i look kinda powerful!!... either the doc needs to change his glasses or hes extremely gay or...... im really muscular looking under the tons of blubber that im storing for the next ice-age... he gets all philosophical on me and says that im a very free thinking person... he says the beard and the hair is good because it shows a that subconscously im a very open person... very free and receptive to feelings and emotions... i was thinking "cool doc"... then he tells me that i gotta take an x-ray and a blood test... i go for the blood test and it was routine stuff... the x-ray part is cool... you know when a person is scared right?... you can feel it... the nurse at the x-ray lab looked like she saw a ghost when i walked in... her expression was hilarious... she stutters something like "ill be back" and leaves in a hurry... then she comes back with a male nurse and asks him to stay in the room in malayalam... both the nurses were mallus and they didnt know that i was one too :D... shes tells the male nurse to just stand by and also says some comment on me looking like some trouble-maker... she asks me to lie down on the table and she tells me to bend my neck downwards as much as possible... i do it and shes like little bit more... i say i cant and she comes over and gently tries to push my head down... honestly my neck was maxed out so it didnt bend anymore... i tell her that and i couldnt help but smile... damn sad... she looked even more scared... musta thought i was some sorta psycho serial killer or something... she moves back and fiddles with the instruments and on her way back she trips on my boots and almost fell... i was like "sorry bout that" and she just looks at me funny while i grin loke a loony... the whole time she was scared of me... heh heh heh... got that over with... i thanked the nurse and gave her my million $ smile... after i got the results the doc says i dont have a calcium build up... but theres an inflamation of tissue there... i get medicines and here i am... alive and kicking... gotta go back in a week...

the songs from the new frusciante is awesome... ive downloaded 3 songs from "shadows collide with ppl" (eat shit RIAA... you cant touch me... im not under your jurisdiction... butt-munchers!! bwahahahahahahahaaa!!!)... agreed its totally different... the older songs were pure in its own way... the recording quality was bad but the songs were awesome... from "shadows..." ive got "this cold", "second walk" and "song to sing when im lonely"... beautiful... my fave so far is "song to sing...", with this album is that frusciantes carved himself a niche in rockland forever... chad and flea from the peppers play rhythm in this album... and the digital work in these songs are just right... not too much, not too little... gotta get myself the whole album...


Song to sing when I'm lonely by john frusciante

(from "Shadows Collide With People", 2004)

A song to play when I'm lonely
Win and never play a game again
No one to face when I'm falling
Holding tight to dreams that never end
I'll be you
I do
I'll be you
No one's afraid to be called by another name
No one dares to be put down where they don't belong
Nowhere's anyones reason
Everything dying and leaving
Out with these faults and you make me a baby
Faking a movement by no ones seeing it
No one always finds peace flung
No one chooses to beat my pride down
Symbols pierce right through me
People fail to be drawn up
Sunlight to fate accumulates
Loving pain to be clung to
By luminous bodies
Only waiting for long signs to be wrong
And true to us
Out of place in my own time
Drowning thinking that I'm dry
Holding on to facts that'll never be proven
Faking an action cuz no one's looking
Hello when I'm crashing
Feeling nothing when my life's flashing before my eyes
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much

blechhh!!!

Feeling : bored
Listening to : cold - stupid girl

stayed over at t's place last nite... watched "the last samurai"... awesome flick... set up her mp3 player and stuff... same old same old... boring crap....im numb due to boredom....blechhh!!!

Dead birds and old folks

Feeling : calm
Listening to : Audioslave - Shadow on the Sun

I saw the most beautiful thing today... on my way to work i saw this dead dove on the road.... it was lying flat on its back... flat... its wings were spread out and its legs were pointing downwards and its tail was spread open like a fan.... and did i mention it was flat?... yeah.... musta been crushed by a car or something... there was no blood and it wasnt all squishy or gooey or anything it was dry... maybe it was dry because of the heat out in these parts (???)... its head was facing its left and it just looked fucking beautiful... yea i know... you ppl out there must be like "what kind of a sick bastard is he?"... well, i aint a sick bastard... i never said i liked seeing dead animals... i just said it was beautiful... it looked so peaceful yet so horribly twisted... so truthful yet very fake... so fucking cool.... i musta stood there staring at the bird for like 2 minutes... already im avoided on the streets for looking like some sorta hairy pachydermoid-monkey (whatever the fuck that is!!!)... now im staring at a dead bird... there was this one old guy (must be like 70 or something) whom i noticed as i was walking away... he was looking at me like i was a looney or something... stupid piece of *^&%*&!!!

..........

Feeling : stupid
Listening to : HIM - Solitary Man

i dunno why but ive been puttin writin this off for a long time... from today onwards ill try to put more effort into my mlog... (burps and farts included)... nothing to write actually... went to this awesome villa in abhur for the weekend (thanks to kairali)... it was ok... played a few games and stuff... lost all of em :P... it was kinda so so... nothin special or anything... blah blah blah..... excrete and rejoice brethren - avi

Chaoticismically Speaking On Purposefullnecessity

Feeling : nice
Listening to : nothing...silence

all fine here... met everyone today... t came over for a while but had to go soon cos she got her french exam tomorrow... suddenly felt like writing today.... so here... this is brand new... just finished writing it.... same old same old here... invited out to lunch by rajeev unc and family tomoirrow... dinner at peter uncs place.... then back to slavery (work without pay that is)...

-=-Chaoticismically Speaking On Purposefullnecessity-=-

imploding brains of swine,
fried genitalia of horse,
boiled eyes of snail,
baked limbs of snake;
mix well, shake hard, eat well.

rip out their guts,
chew your tongue,
peel her skin,
shave his ears;
scratch them all into the wall.

1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89...

un-paradoxicality living in pessimism,
removing dogmaticism and restoring normality,
breaking your fanatically untrue stigmaticism,
peeling vitality out of my pseudo-optimism.

doctrines of truth for the unholy pagans-
evils miss-spelled into truth-
leadership gifted to an ape-
understandability the real uncommon sense.

"The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does." (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)

i am your street-light;
you are my street corner, 30 buck hooker.
remember buzz lightyear?
"to infinity and beyond!" said he
break yourself, take a break.

yur oen asginfiiainct.

remember we have purposefullnecessity,
rape yourself fool, nobody cares.
breathe through you fingers;
be a jerk, do not be me, be a jerk

William of Okham says-
"Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate"
(which translates as "entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily")
Meaning is relative.
If you are naive it means one,
but to the fool-hardy it means another.

hit an f major my princess of excretery fluids,
be my musically biblical friend.
do we or do we not,
true we be what we are not meant to be.

facilitation of needs of a nation.
necessitation of one angry fraction.
vacation from all this constipation.
na na na na na na na na na na na na na.

"What exactly is chaos? Put simply, it is the idea that it is possible to get completely random results from normal equations. Chaos theory also covers the reverse: finding the order in what appears to be completely random data." Grey Rae (Chaos Theory: A Brief Introduction)

i hate this numbing constancy...

Feeling : bored
Listening to : the awesome threesome in tool's lateralus: disposition, reflection and triad

didnt go to work for the past two days cos i had a fever.... sat around doing nothing.... today i realized my hair is getting outta control... like at work when i put on my cap and it looks like im hiding a forest underneath... think ill start tieing my hair or something... but the problem with tieing my hair is that the front part... it doest reach all the way back.... theres like 3/4th of an inch more.... but i guess it will be ok if i keep my cap on at all times... it would have been fine if my hair were straight... my hair aint straight... its mega curly.... thats good actually.... but kinda tough to handle... ok heres a question to all you ladies out there - i have thick curly hair (brownish) shampoo makes it all knotted and tangled and stuff... i dont mind the curls... gimme a remedy for the knottedness....thanks... im bored stiff... bah.... im goin to bed...

of pigs and pedals and pastels...

Feeling : kinda happy (for once)
Listening to : Minor Swing - Rachel Portman (from Chocolat)

not much has happened in the past week or so... just survived i guess... got myself pastels and a new sketch book today... wanna start a bit of drawwing... im in the mood... guitar class was fine... went to bala unc's party y'day... it was ok... not astounding or anything... im happy i guess... but im bored... nothin happening... got myself new guitar picks... still no cash for pedals and/or an iPOD... guess i gotta accept the fact that i never will have cash... searched all over the place for finger slides... pplk in the store said that they dont think slides are available anywhere in jeddah.... what kind of a fucked up place is this huh?... got work tomorrow...itys goin fine... just gettin bored and tired but no money...

reason is lost while truth be found
truth be told i be bold
heart made of gold i sit as im told
will you be my personal pig for me to hold?

incomplete life

Feeling : depressed
Listening to : nothing

i hate it all... everything sucks... i swear... i hate work... i hate coming back home evry night... i hate my bed... i hate everything... i dunno... cant put it all in words... feeling very depressed... hoping i would die in my sleep tonight... yea... that would be nice... and i wanna be cremated not burried... and my ashes should be thrown into the sea... atleast then ill travel the world... i usually dont like tellin ppl what i want... i made this big mistake by telling my folks i wanted an iPod and pedals for my guitar... they go ballistic saying im selfish and stuff...helloo... i didnt ask them to get it for me.... i just said that i wanted those things... i ask about getting a job here and they literally burst... im not saying i hate the workshop... its just that i work so hard from 8:30 in the morning till 12:30 in the afternoon and 4:30 till 8:30 at might....this is without pay.... so basically i end up dead-tired and lacking the time and will to do anything... i hardly go online, totally stopped reading... dont watch tv.... how could i?... im too fucking tired... i hardly have a life anymore... im too exhausted to do anything... they were like it would have been much better if i had graduated... so what if i passed... im not the one sitting and watching the propoganda driven bullshit on tv the whole day... and i go to work and end up fatigued and moneyless... why is my life so shitty... i dont even know why i do this anymore...i have nothing thats truly mine... my room im sharing with my brother... i dont even have privacy..... shit its 1:10 AM!!!... i gotta get up at seven.... man i cant even pen out a proper entry...fuck!

Greed - My personal sin

Feeling : greedy
Listening to : apocalyptica - nothing else matters

i know i havent been posting much lately... but i havent even been online in a few days... skipped work (can you even call it that? "work"... i dont even get paid...) today... wasnt feeling too good... finally got to removing the x'mas tree and did that... frankly speaking, today was totally lame... now thats a really dumb word - lame... i had this wierd dream a few days back... i guess it takes place in the near future or something... im in india and i go to visit tina whos (surprise! surprise!) studying in my old school in ooty (The Laidlaw Memorial School and Junior College, a part of the St. Georges society)... like i go in there and i hi-five my old principal... man that was wierd coz hes like one of those old fashioned brit styled anglo-indian ppl... very intimidating character... i remember the first time i saw him... i was 10... with his huge professors cape and all - he looked like dracula... the guy is atleast 6'2"... anyway... its all sketchy... dont remember most of the dream (guess i should start writing my dreams every morning like t huh?...) i meet t and we were talkin and stuff and when i asked her if she wanted anything... she said she wanted a guitar... then i took her out of school and went to spencer's (thats a mall in chennai [madras]... ooty is like 500 kms away but hey... its my dream and i control everything :) ) and i get her this awesome black acoustic guitar from tansen (this cool indian guitar company)... i always wanted a black guitar... wonder why my subconscious wanted me to give it to her... then we hung out for a bit and then i took her back... this school in reality, wouldnt let you out even if your parents came over... it was that strict and here i am hi-fiving dracula and taking t out for a while and they let her back in like ppl do it everyday... i guess nobody has any idea what im talking bout heh heh heh... i want money... yesterday while goin for work i felt like robbing this dorky looking guy... wonder why it is that even though you know you could get into trouble that your mind forgets all consequences when your head is filled with greed... you want something so much that you have some way to justify the shitty thing that you're gonna do to get whatever it is that you want... me i could control myself... but maybe thats what thieves thrive on... maybe theyre just compulsive about getting what they want and they want it so bad that all other things are mentally blocked off such that their perspective of right and wrong is distorted to such a degree that they feel that they are doing the right thing... the COMDEX (its like this international techno exhibition) is coming to jeddah from the 14 to the 17th of march... im sure there will be iPODs available there (iPODs are sold out all over the arabian peninsula)... if only i had 2000 bucks (thats in saudi riyal.... thats somethin like $600) i cud surely get myself one... im broke... i got nothin... nada... zilch... and my job dont even pay whack... come to think of it... i shudda robbed that guy... he looked like the type whod earn like 10 grand a day or somethin... he was drivin around in a jag... i wouldnt be too greedy... id have just taken 200 bucks and left the rest... i never was too greedy for cash... i remember whenever i had cash i would go and bust it in one nice swoop... id treat my friends, get myself something... never kept anything coz i was happy with cash or broke... now i just need enough to get myself an iPOD... im not greedy...just 2000 bucks... fuck it!... im greedy!!! im fucking greedy for an iPOD!!! i swear im gonna get an iPOD even if its the last thing i do!!!... ... ... i aint never getting an iPOD... im dooomed... DOOMED!!!

screw the indian academic system

Feeling : thoughtfull
Listening to : david usher - black black heart

got a call from ajnu like a half hour back... she sounded kinda bummed... no thats not the right word... scared... yeah, scared about her finals comin up.... steffi was at her place the past few days (they were studying together) and she had one of those pre-examination breakdowns... damn sad... ajnu was like she feeling lonely cos aruns not there and usually he was there to cry on (literally, aj manages to cry before almost every exam :D)... she was like it was wierd after steffi left like that and kinda nervous about the exams... they got chemistry first... ajnus worst subject... i remember back in school... 12th grade boards comin up (the indian equavalent of graduation... i studied in madras, india)... i was never much of an open-feeling type of person... i knew i was fucked... there was no way on earth i could learn anythin... but i did the wrong thing... i stuffed it all down... you know... shied away from everyone... listened to music whenever i got the chance... sat alone all the time writing stuff... i was one of those crazy noisy ppl back then... so when this started jude, dee [deepak], sibi, amu [amrith], sanjo [sayoojya] and tanky [arjun] (buddies in school... we were roomies, yup all of us!!)... somehow managed to get mama's address from my cupboard and wrote to her saying that i was going down into depression (which was true anyway)... most ppl would have been way pissed... but actually... these guys are fucking heroes man... they saved my life... mama came to india ASAP... she didnt tell me why... just said she'd come to support me emotionally... i remember thinking why she came... ive studied in boarding school since the 6th grade and she hadnt ever done anything vaguely like that before... when she came over to school to visit me id act cool... like nothing was wrong... but one day i snapped... man i started crying... cussing at the fucked up physics teacher that i had... shit i felt horrible... but i felt much better after that release actually... thosguys... my friends... i truly love those assholes... they literally saved my life... god knows what i would have done back then if mama hadnt come over... agreed i havent maintained contact with them for quite a bit but hey... i will never forget them... i guess the reason why i havent emailed them for a while is a feeling of inferiority that i feel because of the fact that they are ahead of me by 2 and a half years now... and thanks to my indian upbringing... its shoved into me soo damn hard that there is no other way to prove yourself other than by achieving academically... (im my own best psycho-analyzee... im a goood subject maybe because im two people, atleast by principles and a behavior) i tried my best but i flunked 2 subjects... math and chemistry... my folks said it was ok (later on i found out that papa thinks that im a fuckin fool... a nothing just coz i couldnt graduate)... i joined some private tuitions went over to aruns so that he could teach me... i worked my balls off... i truly thought i would get atleast 50%... i flunked... the second time... i went deeper down... it was sickening... i started writing again... which made me feel better... i used to write a lot... plain feeling on screen... but i used to delete most of them because of my compulsive freakiness about high standards in my literary workmanship... mama somehow convinced me to try one more shot at the exams... i joined another tuition at this other place... a few weeks later the guy throws me out of class saying it was because i was laughing... stupid motherfucker blamed me when it was this other dickless kid who wouldnt even speak up... i never went back... i studied on my own and did my GED like last september... thats september 2003... lets go back to the beginning... the time i first went into depression (before my boards) was jan 2002... one and a half whole depressing years later i get this rock taken off my shoulders... i do not thank god... screw god!... whats god got to do with anything... gods just mental support for the emotionally weak (a few weeks back i was chatting wiht aj and i got into this discourse about god... shes saved it... ill post it here after her exams...) now im here... working in a zero pay job... wanting to join college... im still broke and single... what a story huh?... cheers to life.

P.S. - if anybody out there feels sorry for me or likes my writing or likes my blog or wants to mail me some anthrax pls donate some money to the "Get Avi an iPOD Fund"... all you have to do is put US$2 (yeah... just 2 bucks... you could put more if you want :D) into an envelope and mail it to me at the address below i will start a column with you names in it (gimme you blog pages too so that i could link ya'll up)... i know there are many, many kind, generous, charitable people out there who feel sorry for me...

mail the cash to:

Avinash Jose Ignatius
c/o Mr Jose Ignatius
POBox # 11793
Jeddah - 21463
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

thanks all (in advance)...respect...

Kurt Wenner - Gallery of Work

Kurt Wenner - Gallery of Work

Awesome site featuring the works of Kurt Wenner...
A must see for art lover and hater alike...