AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Listening to : tool - pushit

im feeling really depressed.... i really want to join college... if only i had got good grades in high school... its been exactly 2 yrs now.... ive been home doin nothing... just wasting away... i really want to be normal again... in college, lotsa friends, happy... yeah happy... atleast if our immigration papers were done in india we would have been gone by now... by last july even... imagine... i could have been in college by now... latest news is that all visas from saudi arabia has been indefinitely delayed till further notice... what the fuck?!!!... we cant go to india cos its just the last stages (the interview and the medical exam)... and even if we go we cant afford the tickets back right now... shit... papas been jobless now for 1 year and 10 months... now if our visa is cancelled - im dead... i havent passed high school... just my ged... ged is good enough for colleges in the states but i cant do wack with it in india... ill have to do my 12th grade all over again or something... fuck.... sometimes i wish we could go to india cos right now we're bankrupt... zilch, nada.... we aint got shit in the bank... over the past 2 yrs weve used up our savings and right now were running on fumes... and i aint exaggerating... man if i were in india id do something and earn a minimum of 5000 rupees and take a much needed break... actually it wont be a break, itd be more like a journey of self-discovery... yeah... id hitch hike till nepal and join a monastary for half a year or something... i really want to do that... ive always wanted to go to nepal and ive always wanted to truly study buddhism... shit, i dream too much... nothing ever works out my way and why do i continue to dream like this... i need some sort of release... im bottling up so much that i feel like crying right now... i dont know why i say crying because i truly cant understand exactly how i feel... but one thing i know is that crying leaves you with a sense of relief that cant be brought on any other way (lachrymology)... its like god's using you as a shit-pot... nothing good happens... everything you want is taken away from you... most of what you need is totally destroyed or not within reach... i really want to understand all this... and ppl ask me why i think so much about reason and causality and purpose... its because i find no purpose in my being... why do i exist if all i ever experience is pain... maybe its true... buddha said that all life is pain and joy exists only after we have lived through the punishment that is life... maybe thats it... all life is pain... theres no true joy in all this crap... maybe the few moments with friends and those rare moments with famile and those even rarer moments with yourself are like tiny breaks in this big cycle of hurt and pain... i really need to keep myself occupied... im driving myself insane...