screw the indian academic system

Feeling : thoughtfull
Listening to : david usher - black black heart

got a call from ajnu like a half hour back... she sounded kinda bummed... no thats not the right word... scared... yeah, scared about her finals comin up.... steffi was at her place the past few days (they were studying together) and she had one of those pre-examination breakdowns... damn sad... ajnu was like she feeling lonely cos aruns not there and usually he was there to cry on (literally, aj manages to cry before almost every exam :D)... she was like it was wierd after steffi left like that and kinda nervous about the exams... they got chemistry first... ajnus worst subject... i remember back in school... 12th grade boards comin up (the indian equavalent of graduation... i studied in madras, india)... i was never much of an open-feeling type of person... i knew i was fucked... there was no way on earth i could learn anythin... but i did the wrong thing... i stuffed it all down... you know... shied away from everyone... listened to music whenever i got the chance... sat alone all the time writing stuff... i was one of those crazy noisy ppl back then... so when this started jude, dee [deepak], sibi, amu [amrith], sanjo [sayoojya] and tanky [arjun] (buddies in school... we were roomies, yup all of us!!)... somehow managed to get mama's address from my cupboard and wrote to her saying that i was going down into depression (which was true anyway)... most ppl would have been way pissed... but actually... these guys are fucking heroes man... they saved my life... mama came to india ASAP... she didnt tell me why... just said she'd come to support me emotionally... i remember thinking why she came... ive studied in boarding school since the 6th grade and she hadnt ever done anything vaguely like that before... when she came over to school to visit me id act cool... like nothing was wrong... but one day i snapped... man i started crying... cussing at the fucked up physics teacher that i had... shit i felt horrible... but i felt much better after that release actually... thosguys... my friends... i truly love those assholes... they literally saved my life... god knows what i would have done back then if mama hadnt come over... agreed i havent maintained contact with them for quite a bit but hey... i will never forget them... i guess the reason why i havent emailed them for a while is a feeling of inferiority that i feel because of the fact that they are ahead of me by 2 and a half years now... and thanks to my indian upbringing... its shoved into me soo damn hard that there is no other way to prove yourself other than by achieving academically... (im my own best psycho-analyzee... im a goood subject maybe because im two people, atleast by principles and a behavior) i tried my best but i flunked 2 subjects... math and chemistry... my folks said it was ok (later on i found out that papa thinks that im a fuckin fool... a nothing just coz i couldnt graduate)... i joined some private tuitions went over to aruns so that he could teach me... i worked my balls off... i truly thought i would get atleast 50%... i flunked... the second time... i went deeper down... it was sickening... i started writing again... which made me feel better... i used to write a lot... plain feeling on screen... but i used to delete most of them because of my compulsive freakiness about high standards in my literary workmanship... mama somehow convinced me to try one more shot at the exams... i joined another tuition at this other place... a few weeks later the guy throws me out of class saying it was because i was laughing... stupid motherfucker blamed me when it was this other dickless kid who wouldnt even speak up... i never went back... i studied on my own and did my GED like last september... thats september 2003... lets go back to the beginning... the time i first went into depression (before my boards) was jan 2002... one and a half whole depressing years later i get this rock taken off my shoulders... i do not thank god... screw god!... whats god got to do with anything... gods just mental support for the emotionally weak (a few weeks back i was chatting wiht aj and i got into this discourse about god... shes saved it... ill post it here after her exams...) now im here... working in a zero pay job... wanting to join college... im still broke and single... what a story huh?... cheers to life.

P.S. - if anybody out there feels sorry for me or likes my writing or likes my blog or wants to mail me some anthrax pls donate some money to the "Get Avi an iPOD Fund"... all you have to do is put US$2 (yeah... just 2 bucks... you could put more if you want :D) into an envelope and mail it to me at the address below i will start a column with you names in it (gimme you blog pages too so that i could link ya'll up)... i know there are many, many kind, generous, charitable people out there who feel sorry for me...

mail the cash to:

Avinash Jose Ignatius
c/o Mr Jose Ignatius
POBox # 11793
Jeddah - 21463
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

thanks all (in advance)...respect...