[insert title here]

Listening to : Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken

t left today.... i know im being kinda selfish here but thats kinda shitty.... lets get to that later.... weeks been kinda eventful actually... never got to actually penning down an entry though... my mp3 player still fucked up... no progress there anyway (kinda like my life aint it?... all goes well excepting for tiny blemishes and KA-BLAAAMMO!!! its over in a sec...hmm...) my pc's been bitching a lot... sometimes when i switch it on the bios does not locate the harddisks... ill have to hard boot it all over again.... hard boot; does anybody even have to use that term anymore or am i the only one?... plus the pc wouldnt open musicmatch for the past 4 days... imagine... i wanna listen to some music and the pc hangs... then i gotta restart and i try again and POOF!... again.... fuck!!... but today... hmm... maybe its a so-called "good day" huh?... musicmatch started working again... but truly... im giving the pc two months tops... i aint guaranteeing anything more than that... after that or maybe even before... the things gonna die... my moods been horrible the whole week... now theres just aj whos left.... and i dont get to see her all too much cos shes real busy in school and stuff... its wierd.... first arun left... then i get to know neet for like a week and she leaves... t left today... i aint in contact with any of my friends in school... i never make any new friends cos i find ppl too shallow... well, most of em anyway... past two days ive been goin with mama to help out the HOPE stall at "le mall" (i swear... that must be the corniest name for a mall ever).... its like a disabled kids week and all the major schools have stalls there... so im goin there at 5 in the evening and im doin free face-paintings on kids til 9 or 9:30... its real tiring but hey its fun... its not just the disabled kids there are normal kids too... but the only downside to this is that i gotta comb and tie my hair cos mama says i might scare the kids otherwise... plus the place is crawling with ladies and (not forgetting this is saudi arabia) they might get scared of me too... the foirst day i musta easily done a 100 or more... and today - something like 80 or 90 kids... but its real tiring cos i have to bend and do the painting even when im sitting... we spoke to this brit woman while mama was doin her baby and she says all the westerners are scared to even get out of their houses... its really sad... she says they came to the mall today cos her kids were getting real bored at home... stupid terrorist mother fuckers.... look at the place... its all screwed up because of them... oh yeah... saw a girl today... ok i didnt technically see her but i met her... she volunteered at the stall today cos none of the teachers came today.... names shehreb or something like that (i meet one good person and i dont remember their name... how sad am i?... but she had a tough name though)... i didnt bother talking to her at first cos she was like all covered up... and i mean all... you can just see that she has a face through this translucent cloth shes worn like a burkha... i usually move away from girls like that cos, i dunno... ive never personally known anybody who'd walk around like that.... well... we started talking cos she was fascinated about my name... didnt know i was x-tian with my name being sanskrit and all... got to talking with her (it was still wierd though... i couldnt see her eyes...) i find out her moms an american and her dads a saudi... shes studying in the university and shes doin english.... she wants to do special ed but the course is not available in jeddah.. wants to do her doctorate in english and then do special ed somewhere else... we got to how this place sucks and why im stuck here and stuff and she says she'll call me during the vacations and i could go out with her and her friends during their vacations... i said what any other self respecting human would do... i said yes... but right now im having my doubts over this... would other ppl want to hang with me being broke and a drop out?... like this girl and her friends are all big $$$$ crowd folks... do ya think they would really like to have a doofus like me with them?... but on the way out, gina (the person she came with, the owner of another institution here for the visually impaired) told me that she told her and that it was an awesome idea and that i should go with them... well i guess ill be goin then... the girl seemed kinda nice though... hmm... still feeling kinda wierd cos t left... i swear it is wierd... all my life i saw her as a part of jeddah... whenever i came home for my vacations she was there... trust me... things ore gonna get worse cos aj has her boards this year and she'll be real busy and stuff... i feel lonely already...

"She slothed for two months!"

Listening to : in flames - trigger

[CENSORED]

I didnt like this post, therefore i deleted it. - a

me, myself and i - my worst enemies

Listening to : tool - no quarter

neet left for india today.... aj has been actin constipated for the past few days... im bored and lazy as usual (so what else is new?).... i broke my mp3 player today... FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!! CRAP!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! i dropped it onto the floor and POOF! the damn thing doesnt come back on again!!.... and its the first time ive ever dropped it in TWO yrs!... i connect it to the pc and open up its software and it says that there is an os error in the player... nothing i do is fixing it... there are no places here (shit-hole of the world) where i can get it fixed... fuck what a time to destroy something?... i cant even afford a new one right now... shit... two things i truly love and kablam!... ones destroyed... and please, dont tell me somethings gonna happen to my guitar too... i need a job... but no ones gonna take me because theres so much fuckin checking all over the place.... i feel... i feel... worthless... fucked up... i swear i need a shrink or something... see - thats first step in therapy... accepting that i have a problem... step number two is actually goin and seeing somebody about it... last night i dreamt that i was crushed under a truck while i was taking my walk... and today i was paranoid during my walk... lookin left and right every two or three steps... but sometimes i really wish i would die... atleast then this pain would be over... i hate myself... look at me... yuck!!... sometimes i feel like slitting my wrists or something... damn i need help.... you know its kinda amazing how well you can get to know a person in 3 days... ive known neetu for a while but i always though she was this really confused kid... but after the mega revelation a few days back i realize its just that shes kinda scared... lonely too... we got to talking seriously and i think we bonded... it was good actually... she needed someone to talk to... hmm... funny how you can give advice to a person and make them feel better but watch yourself getting more and more deranged everyday.... its easier to realize others' problems than truly stopping yourself from falling... man i hate human nature.... i fear all this self loathing is dragging me down a very self-destructive path which might eventually lead to something really stupid... i cant even sleep nowadays... i lie awake in bed realizing how much of my life im wasting by doing absolutely nothing... take today for example... i spent two hours of my life switching channels non-stop and not staying at any one channel for more than 15 seconds... theres nothing on tv... i even hate tv now... wonder when this hatred of mine's gonna stop... i swear it i cant even sleep anymore... i gotta mc for the arrengetram (this dance thingy) tomorrow and i dont even feel like writing shit down... i dunno... i feel sick (mentally)... really sick... man, i deserve a trip right now.... some weed or acid would do... booze dont do wack... im clean.... woo hoo i do not drink.... cigarettes... yuck... why do i need to ingest tar and screw my already screwed up body... but weed... weed is good... weed is not deadly... weed is not as addictive as tobacco or alcohol... plus weed is totally natural... problem is... i dont have any... i need cash for weed... i need a job to get cash... i do not have a job therefore i do not have cash therefore i do not get weed... therefore i stay fucked up in the head... and i do not like being this way... damn i miss my mp3 player already... it was like my therapist... all i needed to do was put on some good music and yeah baby... i get into that higher awareness thanks to the music... and its peacefull... no crap from myself.... serenity of the mind... atleast till i put it off... but now i dont even get that... and ppl say there is a god!... hmphh.... just hope nothing happens to my guitar cos thats my only refuge from myself... i need to stay away from myself somehow... im scared... i truly am... i am my own enemy... it is because of me that im here in this oh so fucked up predicament.... damn all you happy junkies... damn all you yuppie college ppl... i deserve some happiness too right?... but nooo i had to go fuck things up so bad that theres no way to pull my life back out of my ass... arun says im too hard on myself... but hey... i spent my whole life takin things as they came and what do i get... nada... crap... shit... man i need to make more of an effort or something... frankly speaking i dont know what to do anymore... im scared... shit scared... somebody hold me please before i fall down into and epileptic fit of self-degenerative verbal abuse... i seriously dont know what to do anymore... would someone please do me a favor and put me out of my misery?

om mane padme hum

Listening to : tool - pushit(live)

feeling strangely at peace with myself....

god, i love this pseudo-optimism!!

me: the life-whore

Listening to : tool - h

why do i prefer being alone and miserable over the company of other so-called normal human beings... agreed i like being with some of my friends (i stayed over at t's place last nite cos i promised her id cook for her)... but meeting new ppl?... uh huh... nope... before i used to love meeting new ppl... but now... id rather be a lonely bastard than mingle with these leeches known as ppl... look around you... we're all surrounded by morons... and because of the extreme number of morons around us we exist in a plane of distorted norms... i wish i could wipe out all the loser morons in one big sneeze or something... the amount of dirty karmic energy surrounding us is inconcievable... i hate myself.... i wish i could just stop existing... i dont want this anymore... nothing is good... shit.... happiness is either nonexistant or very very very very scarce... so scarce that you'd have to search right up your ass with a knife to find it... are you truly loved while you dwell in unending hatred?...

"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again."

blech... all this numbing constancy bores me... i do not find any pleasure of the psyche in this dirty plateau... dirty dirty loneliness... emotional stagnation caused by the stranded mind of a worm.... i am worthless because of my lack of paper power... paper power... the bastard son of the shylock industrialistic tyrants... pigs... nothing is available with what you have... you need supposed scholarly thought patterns in the direction of the earth for your short, pointless lives of unnecassary hoarding... fuck it... fuck you... fuck your complacence... fuck your ignorance... fuck your egos... fuck your holier-than-thou attitudes... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you...

why hath thou forsaken me?

Listening to : a perfect circle - diary of a madman & love song (live)

im so hurt i have no words to describe it right now....

Yahoo! News - Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

what a moron?!!!

i told you we were surrounded by morons...

WOW!!

NewsFactor Network - - Boy Uses Internet Spy Plot to Arrange His Own Murder

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Listening to : tool - pushit

im feeling really depressed.... i really want to join college... if only i had got good grades in high school... its been exactly 2 yrs now.... ive been home doin nothing... just wasting away... i really want to be normal again... in college, lotsa friends, happy... yeah happy... atleast if our immigration papers were done in india we would have been gone by now... by last july even... imagine... i could have been in college by now... latest news is that all visas from saudi arabia has been indefinitely delayed till further notice... what the fuck?!!!... we cant go to india cos its just the last stages (the interview and the medical exam)... and even if we go we cant afford the tickets back right now... shit... papas been jobless now for 1 year and 10 months... now if our visa is cancelled - im dead... i havent passed high school... just my ged... ged is good enough for colleges in the states but i cant do wack with it in india... ill have to do my 12th grade all over again or something... fuck.... sometimes i wish we could go to india cos right now we're bankrupt... zilch, nada.... we aint got shit in the bank... over the past 2 yrs weve used up our savings and right now were running on fumes... and i aint exaggerating... man if i were in india id do something and earn a minimum of 5000 rupees and take a much needed break... actually it wont be a break, itd be more like a journey of self-discovery... yeah... id hitch hike till nepal and join a monastary for half a year or something... i really want to do that... ive always wanted to go to nepal and ive always wanted to truly study buddhism... shit, i dream too much... nothing ever works out my way and why do i continue to dream like this... i need some sort of release... im bottling up so much that i feel like crying right now... i dont know why i say crying because i truly cant understand exactly how i feel... but one thing i know is that crying leaves you with a sense of relief that cant be brought on any other way (lachrymology)... its like god's using you as a shit-pot... nothing good happens... everything you want is taken away from you... most of what you need is totally destroyed or not within reach... i really want to understand all this... and ppl ask me why i think so much about reason and causality and purpose... its because i find no purpose in my being... why do i exist if all i ever experience is pain... maybe its true... buddha said that all life is pain and joy exists only after we have lived through the punishment that is life... maybe thats it... all life is pain... theres no true joy in all this crap... maybe the few moments with friends and those rare moments with famile and those even rarer moments with yourself are like tiny breaks in this big cycle of hurt and pain... i really need to keep myself occupied... im driving myself insane...

i am a flesh eater again!!!!

Listening to : yeah yeah yeahs - maps

yesterday i sat down and typed out a huge entry and guess what... my pc crashes and it all goes... after that i just went off to bed... my pc is dieing... last week were the results for the 12th and 10th graders out here... t got 85%, neethu - 68%, lini - 68% and sreekala - 90%... man if i got scores like that i would have been running round jeddah naked or something... they all be real smart...

yesterday all of us went way out to tuwal to eat fish the real arab way... it was good... i broke my veganism after 5 months... as of yesterday im a carnivore... aj brought steffi along and i saw her after many moons (months actually)... there was grass there and everybody was trying to do handflips and stuff... imagine... me 92 kilos... and i can still pull off my old stuff... everything except the backflip... im scared of that cos i WILL (theres no might here) dislocate my shoulder again... afterwards i was comin home in g-kutty unc's car and he missed the exit in the highway... we reached home at 3:15 in the night... i stayed up a little while and found out t's marks, chatted with laksh and neeth for a while and as i was typing out an entry... POOF!!!... the pc crashes....

"Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away."

as of last thursday i have officially quit work... ok not officially... i havent told the guys at the workshop yet... but atleast this time mama has agreed... and plus this karate teaching gig at mamas school means cashola... so hey... and plus im looking for another job... anybody out there know where i can get a job in jeddah email me ASAP....

im thinking of doing a fictional blog or something of the sort... something in the likes of "the blog of my left pinky" or "the blog on the formation of a turd" etc.... thats a good idea... lemme think about it...

the new Insanitarium

Listening to : dave matthews - gravedigger (acoustic)

ive totally revamped my blog... added comments, filled my profile, put up a pic... et al... shall pen out a real entry later... respect

Listening to : velvet revolver - slither (this song rocks!!!)

its been a while... not many goin ons in these parts... work sucks as always... life sucks - period... been really moody over the past few days... i have a feeling i need to see a shrink or something... prozac be-eth my mana... this guy at work... robin... he told me to take a break and look into myself... he said i have issued/demons i need to clear.... i know that.... always man... thing is i dont know how to go about it... i miss life... i miss the normality thats present in the plain and the mediocre.... i miss the old me... the me that never used to think... i was happier as a moron... once i start thinking i get really depressed.... sometimes im scared... sometimes im angry.... seriously wish i could get a real job... will be teaching karate at mama's school in the summer... will get some cash but i dont think ill use it on myself (bye bye guitar...)... ill give it to my folks they need it more than me right now.... pay the bills and stuff... life is shitty.... been listening to dave matthews'ravedigger a lot too.... its an awesome song... very real.... thing is... i hate it all... didnt go to work today cos i slept til 12 in the afternoon... i was awake til 4 last nite... look at me... its 1:40 and im still awake... its not just that... i aint interested in workin at the workshop anymore... atleast if i was paid something?... what the heck... i believe intensity leads to drain... lets think of thing lighter... shits light, right?... i aint makin sense... think ill go...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... aaaaaaaaaah yes.... what a relief....

ps: all blogger sites are unblocked again... maybe big brother does read the email i send them?...hmmm....

Jungian Types Test

Jungian Types Test - a cool jungian analystic test

a true artist

Alex Grey - now this is true art... this guy is a fuckin genius... he does most of the artwork for TOOL

Bunny Tsunami

Bunny Tsunami - this is one good blog... good reading... thank god blogdrive aint blocked... think ill move here... hmmmm......

stupid censoring mother-fucking cock-suckers!!!!!

Feeling : really pissed off
Listening to : tool - hush

do you know what?... these bastards have blocked all blogger sites... you get the blogger dashboard but none of the weblogs... i dont get to read any blogs anymore plus i dont get to read my own blog (agreed im as vain as the devil).... what the fuck is these ppls' prob huh... havent they heard of the basic human right - freedom of expression?... stupid tyrant mother fuckers... do they think that the oppressed ppl out here wont rebel just because they block a three fourths of the internet?... stupid bastards... no wonder all the sons-of-bitches out here have the brains of fleas... all their data intake is regulated to such an extent that they are fed the shittiest of the shit available to them... cant they go and shut down all the terrorist schools instead... and ppl go about complaining that job ad out here are unrealistic (just because companies ask for ppl to be fluent in english and computer literate... yea theyd rather be stupid).... they go on like this and its not gonna be just terrorist they're gonna breed... they're gonna creme de la creme of the ignorant.... bastards.... theres a limit... i cant even read my own blog... i wont be putting back the comment system cos- I CANT READ ANY COMMENTS!!!!!.... yall email me....fuck the system... destroy forced ignorance.... break the wall of censorship... peace all

ps: can somebody pls email me a proxy address that i can use... one from someplace that doesnt censor stuff.... thanx

From ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Feeling : alive
Listening to : TOOL - Third Eye

things have been kinda messy over the past two weeks... three days back there was an accident.... a school bus accident... seven girls and one teacher died (R.I.P.)... it was really sad... got me thinking about Shihab (a class-mate of mine who died the year before last in a freak train accident), my g'dad and susamma aunty... in the saudi gazzette there was no explanation on how the accident happened but in the local mallu papers they said that a saudi tried to cut the school bus off and the driver, trying to save the bus from crashing into the car swerved off the road and toppled over a few times and hit a lamp post.... it was really sad... all those kids- so young... their whole lives ahead of them and POOF!... its over...so many injured and in the hospital right now and the worst part... two of the kids who died were the daughters of the driver... really shitty all this... the saudi guiy who tried to cut them off... he should be castrated and fed to the vultures... stupid sonovabitch!! how can the bastard sleep at night knowing that all this was because of him?...

last week i was like "im quitting work to search for something that pays me atleast a little money"... i stayed at home till sunday and then my moms says i gotta go back to work... atleast for a month she says... they dont understand how it is... i started goin so that i would get an experience certificate and hopefully learn to drive... its been three months and i still havent learnt how to drive... i had asked my dad and he had to act like a prima donna and say no like the prick he is... all this because i think... i shudda not thought about the moral implications of stealing the car and teaching myself how to drive when i was thirteen... you get screwed over by your own morality... plus i was in boarding school the whole time so i never got a chance there either... now i go back to work on monday and when i get there the owner of the workshop tells me to take a break for a week (WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) cos the cops and the labor dept are going around taking ppl working without work permits to jail... so here i am at home... dreaming abou the money i dont have which ill use to get myself a nice electric guitar and an amp and distortion pedals and listening to lots of zeppelin, APC and TOOL...

was jaimie's bday today... went over there and stuff... they returned from egypt last thursday... t gave me a bookmark with heiroglyphic markings on it... and guess which book im reading?... "The Eye of RA" by michael asher....heh heh heh... lakshmi gave me the fifth season of friends on divx.... the stupid thing wouldnt play on my fossil of a pc... so ill be goin over there on friday to watch it at her place... aaah "eulogy"... one of my fave songs of all time just started playing just now... "He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. We'll miss him.".... i swear the percussion intro is awesome... danny carey's use of the tom toms are awesome...

i asked one of the guys in the gym if he knew anyplace where i can get a job... he said hell ask around and tell me... ill be seeing him tomorrow... lets just hope he gets something for me... the air conditioner in my rooms been busted for he past few days... i havent been sitting online for that long, havent been playing guitar because its soo fucking hot... imagine working in a workshop under an asbestos roof with no airconditioning... plus the temeratures reach 35-40 degrees... celcius that is... its friggin sweltering out here... then you come home and you cant enjoy the comfort of sitting in your room and relaxing because you a/c is busted... damn life is for the dogs... hail crappola....

too lazy to type...

heres a little something i found at another blog...

Love Life by Asphyxiate
First name
Favorite fruit
Number of computers in your house
Number of lovers you will have in your entire life	3
Number of "true loves"	4
Your future	Potbellied bum living alone
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

RRRRRRRIP!!!!

Feeling :
Listening to : aerosmith - back back train

bland as hell... im bored so much that im reading homer's "the odyssey"... i aint some mega nerd guy but the book is good... funny incident at music class today... this guy sitting next to me farts!!... god was it loud... ive never heard a fart that fucking loud in my life... it was like "RRRRRRIP!!!!!"... i was loke "OH MY GOD!!"... he goes "sorry" and walks out.... dude, you wanna fart - get your ass to a bathroom or something... dont fart next to me... i mean "RRRRRRIP!!!"... thats way too much.... went over to t's place after that... thankachen unc. and fly goin to egypt tomorrow... they be goin for a week.... went over to say bon voyage...

chatted with arun and sure for about 2 - 3 hrs last nite...

i learnt the guitaring for the new lenny kravitz song "where are we runnin'"... its an awesome track... got a few songs from the new aerosmith album... theyre awesome... truly... its old school blues... think classic aerosmith... (pre walk this way with run dmc)... its the real deal... its very raw and dirty.... real blues.... love it.... back back train is my fave so far.... its all good... "the grind" is the only song in the album that isnt a cover... its a true to the bone aerosmith track with all the elements of an aerosmith-ian ballad but they still manage to fit it into the flow of a true blues album... awesome stuff... gotto go ppl... peace all... RRRRRRRIP!!!

The Insightful Linguist

Feeling : ok
Listening to : tori amos - siren

i did this iq test at tickle.com and my iq is 127... i aint retarted!!!!!.... anyway this is what they said....

"Congratulations, Avinash!
Your IQ score is 127

This number is the result of a formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on Tickle's Classic IQ test. Your IQ score is scientifically accurate; to read more about the science behind our IQ test, click here.

During the test, you answered four different types of questions — mathematical, visual-spatial, linguistic and logical. We analyzed how you did on those questions, which reveals the way your brain uniquely works.

We also compared your answers with others who have taken the test, and according to the sorts of questions you got correct, we can tell your Intellectual Type is an Insightful Linguist.

This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results. "

i may not be the smartest but i aint stupid... cheers excretors

removing comments for a while

ill be removing my comment system for a while... there was a glitch in there somewhere... will be back soon... empathy all - avi

rest as ash in a landfill little reptiles....

Feeling : blue
Listening to : string quartet tribute to TOOL - sober

had the most horrible week... both of my tortoises died in a span of 3 days... was really depressed after that... they got some disease... their shells became soft and then their lower shells start bruising and they stop eating and poof... they die.... cant help but think its my fault... maybe they werent getting enough nutrition or something... or maybe the got parasites... called up the vet clinic and they said they cant do wack unless i take em there... a checkup costs like 200 riyalls out here... plus there are no cheaper or free clinics here... i tried my own medication on scratch (confucious died first)... i tries giving it tiny doses of paracetamol and milk for calcium... maybe it ODed on panadol thanks to me or something... the ending is the worst part... i unceremoniously dumped them in a dumpster... i guess you could say i had them cremated... i lost one of my rings yesterday... the one that says "om mane pedme" (thats a tibetian chant to buddha)... the only good thing happening right now is me starting to go to the gym again... this time its another place but i still feel kinda guilty cos its like 200 bucks a month and right now...thats hard to come by (my dad is unemployed right now)... but this place is good... its run by an ex-mr india... the facilities are good... i go for 2 - 3 hrs a day... im controlling what i eat, i walk to the place, et al... im woking hard... if i dont lose weight this time- theres nothing i havent tried...

passions and gyms and grease

Feeling : contemplative
Listening to : meshuggah - the mouth licking what you've bled

watched "the passion of the christ" today at bala uncs place... agreed it aint a cinema or anything but it was a pirated VCD, the copy wasnt all too bad.... there was quite a few of us there... it was awesome... i am (what i personally prefer calling myself) a passive christian... most of my beliefs are kinda zennist.. good and bad karma, energies, integrity of one with their surroundings... but jesus was a good leader... he had the charisma to pull of something as good as starting a new religion... the movie was made really well... kudos to mel gibson... very graphic but truly touching.... the flashbacks were placed at the exact times such that they were relevant and not bothersome to the flow of the story... but according to me the best idea in the whole movie was the image of satan... their idea of making satan a hairless female with a masculine voice is awesome... (as mama said - satan looks like marilyn manson! heh heh heh) the androgenous face (thanks to there being no facial hair) mixed with the very non human (almost gollum-esque) voice made their version of satan really spooky... the only thing i did not understand in the movie was the child (of gollum??? :D) satan was holding in one of the scenes when jesus falls down and looks at satans direction... what did the child signify?... was it the irony of maddona?... or was it perhaps symbolic of the mass over which satan had control at that time?... or was it to show that the people whom jesus was saving (shown by the child... the purest of humans) turning onto him (thus the ugliness of the child as it smiles mockingly at jesus)... awesome flick... you cant say that the movie breeds anti-semitic hatred cos all pics if this type has that message... and if some x-tians get hyped up by this pic then they're as bad as the islamic radicalists whom they blame for anything bad in this world... shall start goin to a gym from tomorrow... will be working in the workshop only till the afternoon... YIPPEEEEEE!!!... i wont be a greasy bastard no more!

Angel of Grunge

Feeling : sad
Listening to : nirvana - come as you are

flying high above everything
he looks down on us
pain, happiness, anger, confusion
all but an illusion
be receptive, vocalize
respect.... you are not forgotten

Rest in piece kurt...

Hello when I'm crashing

Feeling : happily lonely
Listening to : john frusciante - song to sing when i'm lonely

went to this cultural program thingy a few days back... it was the crappiest thing i ever went for.... i swear im never goin to one of those places again...it was horrible... the place was filled with no-brained, gay-looking, bollywood-wannabe types staring at the girls like a bunch of pervs...one of them were even wearing shades at 11 in the night!!!!... i told mama its gonna be crappy but nooooo.... i had to go... it'll be good she sez... blech!... oh yeah... this kid - shedda... like 10 or something... she takes me away from the crowd saying she wants to ask me something... i was bored anyway so i said ok... she takes me to one side and makes me promise ill tell the truth... i was hesitant but i said ok... then shes like "avi chettan, do you have a girlfriend?" ("chettan" is mallu for bro... like how the japs say "san")... i said no... then she looks at me funny and asks me why... i say something like... "dunno... maybe coz i look like an ape... plus nobody my type"... then shes asks me how old i am and i tell her.. then she tells me that i should be having a girlfriend and that i should do it asap... it was funny actually... a little ten yr old telling me tha facts of life... she even asked me to tie my hair... kids are awesome... very receptive... call me crazy but i prefer small talk with a little kid to any damn conversation with an adult (excepting a few)... kids understand... they care too... i always tell ppl that kids are the realest things around... always true... it was real sweet of her actually... but later on i got to thinking... she was right you know... im almost 20 and im single...

change of topic before everyone (theres max 2 ppl other than me who reads this blog) falls into the pits of lonesome misery...

i went to the doc yesterday... been having this ear ache for the past few days... only when i chew mind you... hearing and stuff perfect... just the pain... i went to an ent at a local hospital and he says it might be calciferation (??? dont remember the word... building up of calcium) in one of the bones behind my ear and one of the nerves back there might be getting crushed each time i bite down...thus causing the pain... he said it usually happens to "stout and muscular young males" like me!!!... man was i happy... im stout and muscular... the doc asked me if i go to the gym... i say no and he says i look kinda powerful!!... either the doc needs to change his glasses or hes extremely gay or...... im really muscular looking under the tons of blubber that im storing for the next ice-age... he gets all philosophical on me and says that im a very free thinking person... he says the beard and the hair is good because it shows a that subconscously im a very open person... very free and receptive to feelings and emotions... i was thinking "cool doc"... then he tells me that i gotta take an x-ray and a blood test... i go for the blood test and it was routine stuff... the x-ray part is cool... you know when a person is scared right?... you can feel it... the nurse at the x-ray lab looked like she saw a ghost when i walked in... her expression was hilarious... she stutters something like "ill be back" and leaves in a hurry... then she comes back with a male nurse and asks him to stay in the room in malayalam... both the nurses were mallus and they didnt know that i was one too :D... shes tells the male nurse to just stand by and also says some comment on me looking like some trouble-maker... she asks me to lie down on the table and she tells me to bend my neck downwards as much as possible... i do it and shes like little bit more... i say i cant and she comes over and gently tries to push my head down... honestly my neck was maxed out so it didnt bend anymore... i tell her that and i couldnt help but smile... damn sad... she looked even more scared... musta thought i was some sorta psycho serial killer or something... she moves back and fiddles with the instruments and on her way back she trips on my boots and almost fell... i was like "sorry bout that" and she just looks at me funny while i grin loke a loony... the whole time she was scared of me... heh heh heh... got that over with... i thanked the nurse and gave her my million $ smile... after i got the results the doc says i dont have a calcium build up... but theres an inflamation of tissue there... i get medicines and here i am... alive and kicking... gotta go back in a week...

the songs from the new frusciante is awesome... ive downloaded 3 songs from "shadows collide with ppl" (eat shit RIAA... you cant touch me... im not under your jurisdiction... butt-munchers!! bwahahahahahahahaaa!!!)... agreed its totally different... the older songs were pure in its own way... the recording quality was bad but the songs were awesome... from "shadows..." ive got "this cold", "second walk" and "song to sing when im lonely"... beautiful... my fave so far is "song to sing...", with this album is that frusciantes carved himself a niche in rockland forever... chad and flea from the peppers play rhythm in this album... and the digital work in these songs are just right... not too much, not too little... gotta get myself the whole album...


Song to sing when I'm lonely by john frusciante

(from "Shadows Collide With People", 2004)

A song to play when I'm lonely
Win and never play a game again
No one to face when I'm falling
Holding tight to dreams that never end
I'll be you
I do
I'll be you
No one's afraid to be called by another name
No one dares to be put down where they don't belong
Nowhere's anyones reason
Everything dying and leaving
Out with these faults and you make me a baby
Faking a movement by no ones seeing it
No one always finds peace flung
No one chooses to beat my pride down
Symbols pierce right through me
People fail to be drawn up
Sunlight to fate accumulates
Loving pain to be clung to
By luminous bodies
Only waiting for long signs to be wrong
And true to us
Out of place in my own time
Drowning thinking that I'm dry
Holding on to facts that'll never be proven
Faking an action cuz no one's looking
Hello when I'm crashing
Feeling nothing when my life's flashing before my eyes
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much
You should've threw me down
Is the content so much

blechhh!!!

Feeling : bored
Listening to : cold - stupid girl

stayed over at t's place last nite... watched "the last samurai"... awesome flick... set up her mp3 player and stuff... same old same old... boring crap....im numb due to boredom....blechhh!!!

Dead birds and old folks

Feeling : calm
Listening to : Audioslave - Shadow on the Sun

I saw the most beautiful thing today... on my way to work i saw this dead dove on the road.... it was lying flat on its back... flat... its wings were spread out and its legs were pointing downwards and its tail was spread open like a fan.... and did i mention it was flat?... yeah.... musta been crushed by a car or something... there was no blood and it wasnt all squishy or gooey or anything it was dry... maybe it was dry because of the heat out in these parts (???)... its head was facing its left and it just looked fucking beautiful... yea i know... you ppl out there must be like "what kind of a sick bastard is he?"... well, i aint a sick bastard... i never said i liked seeing dead animals... i just said it was beautiful... it looked so peaceful yet so horribly twisted... so truthful yet very fake... so fucking cool.... i musta stood there staring at the bird for like 2 minutes... already im avoided on the streets for looking like some sorta hairy pachydermoid-monkey (whatever the fuck that is!!!)... now im staring at a dead bird... there was this one old guy (must be like 70 or something) whom i noticed as i was walking away... he was looking at me like i was a looney or something... stupid piece of *^&%*&!!!

..........

Feeling : stupid
Listening to : HIM - Solitary Man

i dunno why but ive been puttin writin this off for a long time... from today onwards ill try to put more effort into my mlog... (burps and farts included)... nothing to write actually... went to this awesome villa in abhur for the weekend (thanks to kairali)... it was ok... played a few games and stuff... lost all of em :P... it was kinda so so... nothin special or anything... blah blah blah..... excrete and rejoice brethren - avi

Chaoticismically Speaking On Purposefullnecessity

Feeling : nice
Listening to : nothing...silence

all fine here... met everyone today... t came over for a while but had to go soon cos she got her french exam tomorrow... suddenly felt like writing today.... so here... this is brand new... just finished writing it.... same old same old here... invited out to lunch by rajeev unc and family tomoirrow... dinner at peter uncs place.... then back to slavery (work without pay that is)...

-=-Chaoticismically Speaking On Purposefullnecessity-=-

imploding brains of swine,
fried genitalia of horse,
boiled eyes of snail,
baked limbs of snake;
mix well, shake hard, eat well.

rip out their guts,
chew your tongue,
peel her skin,
shave his ears;
scratch them all into the wall.

1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, 21, 34, 55, 89...

un-paradoxicality living in pessimism,
removing dogmaticism and restoring normality,
breaking your fanatically untrue stigmaticism,
peeling vitality out of my pseudo-optimism.

doctrines of truth for the unholy pagans-
evils miss-spelled into truth-
leadership gifted to an ape-
understandability the real uncommon sense.

"The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does." (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)

i am your street-light;
you are my street corner, 30 buck hooker.
remember buzz lightyear?
"to infinity and beyond!" said he
break yourself, take a break.

yur oen asginfiiainct.

remember we have purposefullnecessity,
rape yourself fool, nobody cares.
breathe through you fingers;
be a jerk, do not be me, be a jerk

William of Okham says-
"Pluralitas non est ponenda sine neccesitate"
(which translates as "entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily")
Meaning is relative.
If you are naive it means one,
but to the fool-hardy it means another.

hit an f major my princess of excretery fluids,
be my musically biblical friend.
do we or do we not,
true we be what we are not meant to be.

facilitation of needs of a nation.
necessitation of one angry fraction.
vacation from all this constipation.
na na na na na na na na na na na na na.

"What exactly is chaos? Put simply, it is the idea that it is possible to get completely random results from normal equations. Chaos theory also covers the reverse: finding the order in what appears to be completely random data." Grey Rae (Chaos Theory: A Brief Introduction)

i hate this numbing constancy...

Feeling : bored
Listening to : the awesome threesome in tool's lateralus: disposition, reflection and triad

didnt go to work for the past two days cos i had a fever.... sat around doing nothing.... today i realized my hair is getting outta control... like at work when i put on my cap and it looks like im hiding a forest underneath... think ill start tieing my hair or something... but the problem with tieing my hair is that the front part... it doest reach all the way back.... theres like 3/4th of an inch more.... but i guess it will be ok if i keep my cap on at all times... it would have been fine if my hair were straight... my hair aint straight... its mega curly.... thats good actually.... but kinda tough to handle... ok heres a question to all you ladies out there - i have thick curly hair (brownish) shampoo makes it all knotted and tangled and stuff... i dont mind the curls... gimme a remedy for the knottedness....thanks... im bored stiff... bah.... im goin to bed...