me, myself and i - my worst enemies

Listening to : tool - no quarter

neet left for india today.... aj has been actin constipated for the past few days... im bored and lazy as usual (so what else is new?).... i broke my mp3 player today... FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!! CRAP!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! i dropped it onto the floor and POOF! the damn thing doesnt come back on again!!.... and its the first time ive ever dropped it in TWO yrs!... i connect it to the pc and open up its software and it says that there is an os error in the player... nothing i do is fixing it... there are no places here (shit-hole of the world) where i can get it fixed... fuck what a time to destroy something?... i cant even afford a new one right now... shit... two things i truly love and kablam!... ones destroyed... and please, dont tell me somethings gonna happen to my guitar too... i need a job... but no ones gonna take me because theres so much fuckin checking all over the place.... i feel... i feel... worthless... fucked up... i swear i need a shrink or something... see - thats first step in therapy... accepting that i have a problem... step number two is actually goin and seeing somebody about it... last night i dreamt that i was crushed under a truck while i was taking my walk... and today i was paranoid during my walk... lookin left and right every two or three steps... but sometimes i really wish i would die... atleast then this pain would be over... i hate myself... look at me... yuck!!... sometimes i feel like slitting my wrists or something... damn i need help.... you know its kinda amazing how well you can get to know a person in 3 days... ive known neetu for a while but i always though she was this really confused kid... but after the mega revelation a few days back i realize its just that shes kinda scared... lonely too... we got to talking seriously and i think we bonded... it was good actually... she needed someone to talk to... hmm... funny how you can give advice to a person and make them feel better but watch yourself getting more and more deranged everyday.... its easier to realize others' problems than truly stopping yourself from falling... man i hate human nature.... i fear all this self loathing is dragging me down a very self-destructive path which might eventually lead to something really stupid... i cant even sleep nowadays... i lie awake in bed realizing how much of my life im wasting by doing absolutely nothing... take today for example... i spent two hours of my life switching channels non-stop and not staying at any one channel for more than 15 seconds... theres nothing on tv... i even hate tv now... wonder when this hatred of mine's gonna stop... i swear it i cant even sleep anymore... i gotta mc for the arrengetram (this dance thingy) tomorrow and i dont even feel like writing shit down... i dunno... i feel sick (mentally)... really sick... man, i deserve a trip right now.... some weed or acid would do... booze dont do wack... im clean.... woo hoo i do not drink.... cigarettes... yuck... why do i need to ingest tar and screw my already screwed up body... but weed... weed is good... weed is not deadly... weed is not as addictive as tobacco or alcohol... plus weed is totally natural... problem is... i dont have any... i need cash for weed... i need a job to get cash... i do not have a job therefore i do not have cash therefore i do not get weed... therefore i stay fucked up in the head... and i do not like being this way... damn i miss my mp3 player already... it was like my therapist... all i needed to do was put on some good music and yeah baby... i get into that higher awareness thanks to the music... and its peacefull... no crap from myself.... serenity of the mind... atleast till i put it off... but now i dont even get that... and ppl say there is a god!... hmphh.... just hope nothing happens to my guitar cos thats my only refuge from myself... i need to stay away from myself somehow... im scared... i truly am... i am my own enemy... it is because of me that im here in this oh so fucked up predicament.... damn all you happy junkies... damn all you yuppie college ppl... i deserve some happiness too right?... but nooo i had to go fuck things up so bad that theres no way to pull my life back out of my ass... arun says im too hard on myself... but hey... i spent my whole life takin things as they came and what do i get... nada... crap... shit... man i need to make more of an effort or something... frankly speaking i dont know what to do anymore... im scared... shit scared... somebody hold me please before i fall down into and epileptic fit of self-degenerative verbal abuse... i seriously dont know what to do anymore... would someone please do me a favor and put me out of my misery?