Lunacy

You are the Moon card. Entering the Moon we enter the intuitive and psychic realms. This is the stuff dreams are made on. And like dreams the imagery we find here may inspire us or torment us. Understanding the moon requires looking within. Our own bodily rhythms are echoed in this luminary that circles the earth every month and reflects the sun in its progress. Listening to those rhythms may produce visions and lead you towards insight. The Moon is a force that has legends attached to it. It carries with it both romance and insanity. Moonlight reveals itself as an illusion and it is only those willing to work with the force of dreams that are able to withstand his reflective light.

Image from: Stevee Postman.
http://www.stevee.com/

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Et tu, Brute?

sound : a perfect circle - the noose

help me... please help me... im begging... i need stability.... today started off as a nice day... removed the virus from the pc... got an email from t... the market survey thing went great... just another perfect day of blissful decadence... and then POOF!... mercy nt called up from the US... spoke with papa and mama for like an hour or something.... they started talking about how minto, cinto and i... all of us have fucked ourselves up big time... minto's been jumping schools like a knight on a chess board... cinto doesnt want to study anymore and im too scared to do diddly-squat about my life... i got "the lecture".... but the shot that hit the hardest was when i found out why we weren't going to india even though we cant afford to stay here... it was me... my parent dont want to go to india because they are ashamed of people coming to know that im a bum... im not saying im happy being a bum... i want to be "normal"... i want to be the smart college graduate son that every parent dreams of... im sorry that im not... they put out some of my cousins as examples... i cant help it for being the dumbass in a genius family... my cousin nimal - graduated from IIT and has an awesome job.... one of my other cousins; shes also graduated from IIT (imagine... aerospace engineering.... i can never do that) and is working in canada.... all the younger cousins of mine (kids of my fathers brothers and sisters) - geniuses.... all of them highly ranked and shit... my dad - went through college on a scholarship... and since im the eldest in the whole family (being indian by "family" i mean cousins, second cousins, et al) everybody's like "what is wrong with you?"...

what is wrong with me?... why did i wait so long before i agreed to myself on doing my GRE?... at least im truly gonna do it now... im gonna register in the first week of October... for so long ive had this fear... im still scared but im guessing that step one of overcoming my fear is to face it.... im gonna do Literature in English and Computer Science... im also thinking of doing Psychology... but the problem with doing psychology is that ive never learnt it in school... indian education doesnt believe in broadening the spectra of the students' thinking farther than engineering or medicine or chartered accountancy ... ive already downloaded study material and im gonna buy the books and stuff as soon as possible... but theres no denying the fact that i still get kinda scared even when i think of it...

back to my earlier topic... i was shocked when i heard that they were so ashamed of me that they didnt want to go to india even though we're in dire straits right now... how can they answer all those probing, non-essential interrogations by the relatives back in india is what they told me... they told me to imagine what people will think of them.... i thought my parents were better than that... dont they have an ounce of integrity?... im sure this is gonna come back and haunt me some day in the future... the mental blow was too much.... i was pissed... why should they be bothered with what those gossiping bastards think?... all people do in kerala is gossip... the kids are all geniuses... everybody gets straight A's and as they reach adulthood, their brains deteriorate to the consistancy of highly diarhea-ic dog shit which was catalyzed by the sick mallu soap operas and other such drivel that is shown on mallu tv.... and my parents are so bothered by what these people say...

so what if i have long hair?... so what if im academically underachieved?... so what if im different?... it doesnt make me a bad person, right?.... why beat a fallen social-amputee (me) for the sake of family approval... why let the herd make your choices?... i know i can never stand up and tell people that im an engineer working for a big IT firm or a neuro-surgeon or a big fancy lawyer... but at least i can be proud with the fact that i try to understand my Self.... i try to discover who i am... and i do want to go to college... and because GED is valid only in the US thats where i gotta go... im just hoping that our family visa goes through because if it doesnt, my father cant afford to send me to the US alone...i swear i dont know what im gonna do if our visa doesnt come through.... ill be fucked. PERIOD.

i just hope i get there...

i seek the normalcy of the mean in society... i just want to live again.... like right now... how many friends do i have?... real friends?... 3?...4?.... is that even normal?... i dont want to meet new people nowadays.... thats how low my self esteem has sunk.... i am a person who is devoid of ego and confidence....sometimes i wish that i would just drop dead... im tired of this.... whats the use of all thins anguish that im going through?... am i rewarded in any way?... is "God" helping me out in his "mysterious ways"?... i just hope i can hold on till this is over... i am of broken spirit but want healing.... edify me please... tell me... console me.... help me....

peacerespectempathy

"The addiction of duplicities."

sound : the cure - disintegration

-==Disintegration==-

oh i miss the kiss of treachery
the shameless kiss of vanity
the soft and the black and the velvety
up tight against the side of me
and mouth and eyes and heart all bleed
and run in thickening streams of greed
as bit by bit it starts the need
to just let go my party piece...

oh i miss the kiss of treachery
the aching kiss before i feed
the stench of a love for a younger meat
and the sound that it makes when it cuts in deep
the holding up on bended knees
the addiction of duplicities
as bit by bit it starts the need to
just let go my party piece...

but i never said i would stay to the end
so i leave you with babies and hoping for frequency
screaming like this in the hope of the secrecy
screaming me over and over and over
i leave you with photographs and pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the scenery
songs about happiness murmured in dreams
when the both of us knew how the ending would be...

so it's all come back round to breaking apart again
breaking apart like i'm made up of glass again
making it up behind my back again
holding my breath for the fear of sleep again
holding it up behind my head again
cut in deep to the heart of the bone again
round and round and round and it's coming apart again
over and over and over...

now that i know that i'm breaking to pieces
i'll pull out my heart and i'll feed it to anyone
crying for sympathy,
crocodiles cry for the love of the crowd
and the three cheers from everyone
dropping through sky
through the glass of the roof
through the roof of your mouth
through the mouth of your eye
through the eye of the needle
it's easier for me to get closer to heaven
than ever feel whole again...

i never said i would stay to the end
i knew i would leave you with babies and everything
screaming like this in the whole of sincerity
screaming me over and over and over
i leave you with photographs and pictures of trickery
stains on the carpet and stains on the memory
songs about happiness murmured in dreams
when the both of us knew how the end always is...

i just cant stop listening to this song... its so... true!.... robert smith is a lyrical
genius... my day's been horrible... woke up dreaming about super mario, read a little "hannibal" and felt kinda calmed out but this market research thing that im doing right now is really messed up... we're supposed to get people to go to the lipton office to be interviewed and shit like that... nobody came on time and the whole damn thing was a fucking flop... balls... i dont want to think about it...

im bored... by bored i dont mean "bored" bored... i mean tired... im tired of my life not moving... im tired of being the only one... im tired of being alone and fatigued... im tired of it all... i hate people, i hate my existence, i hate everything about me... what exactly am i?... right now... im a leech... all i do is suck outta my folks and exist... i dont live... i miss life...

ive been in this screwed up mood for the past few days... nothing i do cheers me up... i cant even think properly anymore...hallelujah for small blessings... obsession confession by slash just started playing right now... actually im kinda sane now thanks to my conversation to aj... thank god she listens otherwise id be totally screwed up by now...

THANKS AJ! You're an angel (or should i say a "blunt angle"???)

peacerespectempathy

Progression through Intellectualism

sound : desert sessions - wanna make it witchu (josh homme sounds cool as always)

its been a while since ive even had the chance to get access to a computer... about a week... not much has happened... kairali was ok... the pullikalli was a hit... i expected a mega flop... one guy going this way and the other going some other and stuff like that... but hey... they did ok....

i wrote a bit during the past one week... i mean wrote (with pen and paper!!)... the result wasnt all too bad... 2 poems, 1 horrible haiku and one story.... agreed i dont like the standard all too much but atleast my imagination is healthy... plus i like the story that i wrote... its called "STEVE (A Piece of Fictious Non-fiction)".... i wanted to type it out but its kinda long.... ill post it soon....

i realised that my mind wanders too much... i cant stay on one though... i keep associating it with something or the other and end up losing the flow of the conversation.... sometimes when i sit down to think about something i end up forgetting what i start with... is this a sign of some form of adolascent senility/dementia???... sometimes i come up with these totally irrelevant comments during a conversation and people look at me like i farted or something (no, i have not!!)....

i was thinking of this and that today.... i should continue drawing... i have some good ideas but they just dont seem to be coming out..... my standard of writing seems to be depreciating.... wow.... its been more than two years.... ive been sitting around doing absolutely nothing worthwhile for two fuckin years!!!... man i havent though of this before... i always think like the visas comin soon but what if it takes another two years?... i dont think i could survive that long.... most of my friends are finishing off with college and here i am sittin in my folks home doing absolutely nothing..... fuck....

i asked mama today if i could go back to india and atleast do some diploma course or something till our visa comes through... i find out we dont have enough cash for that... even if we got our visa i doubt i could afford going to college unless they have some sort of programme for me to work and pay off my tuition or something... but atleast mamas working here... papa doesnt even look for a job anymore.... god knows what hes got running through his head.... and how much ever i try i aint gonna get me a job thats gonna stay... not out here anyway cos im not a saudi national and i do not have a work permit... this country sucks.... when i told mama that i want another job she asked me why i quit going to the garage if i wanted a job... that was shit... i work my ass off and i dont even get paid... volunteer work i dont mind but fixing other peoples' cars and not being payed for it.... no way, jose!!.. thats not a smart deal.... if they had payed me i would have stayed but no pay, no way.....

im tired of people telling me to have faith... balls!!... faith is for morons... if there was a god i wouldnt have had to suffer so much.... if there was a god there wouldnt be wars and death... fuck god... god is just a creation of the collective psyche to babysit the fragile egos of all the insecure bastards who need some kind of pillar to lean on... well lean all you want but i aint going to... your "pillar" broke..... its basic human nature see, we all need someone to look up to.... we all need someone to blame all our follies... we all need a father figure.... "god works in mysterious ways" my ass.... its all random.... chaos reigns in this pitiful world os so-called order... according to me there is a spiritual realm... there is what we call a "soul"... but i do not believe that we are governed over by a superior being... god is the main reason of war (muslim/x-tian, muslim/hindu, jew/muslim)... everywhere you look there is religious violence... throughout the ages more people have died thanks to religious conflict than natural disease... even so-called "politics" is not free from the plague that is religion.... thats the main reason why we have stagnated as a species.... we are the dead-pool entity... we do not move forward... why?... because we dam ourselves through internal conflict and censorship... freedom is unfound even in our times... we are all part of the herd... the herd called society... even the few who want to break away from the herd and roam free through the plains of intelectual enlightenment are held back by our dogma... we must leard to free ourselves of the herd and push the envelope through thought... progression through intellectualism is a necessity.... if we continue going the way we are now... we are doomed to an existance of consumeristic, corporation-fuelled crucifiction.... follow the light of free-though.... break the mold people... that is what differentiates us from our primate cousins.... BE HUMAN!

peacerespectempathy

my state of non-Euphoria

sound : TOOL - Undertow

i hate this despondancy... i hate this boredom and i hate this mental state that im in... i feel so... so inadequate... i feel unaccomplished... i feel like a bucket full of shit... i feel saturated... i feel so full and ballooned up... infact, i am bored... i cant sleep, i cant even think... i have a sore throat and a horrible cough... i feel sick... my throat itches.... i cough to make the itching go away and my head throbs every time i cough... i cant swallow without feeling the pain of having the food scrape its way painfully down my throat... i hate being sick... i cant sleep.... i lie down on my bed... rolling from side to side i stay awake... i feel sick.... i cant think and i cant even get myself to type out the poems that i wrote yesterday... i feel sick.... I AM SICK!

peacerespectempathy

Pablo Picasso was never called an asshole!

sound : david bowie - pablo picasso

for a change im feeling kinda good.... i got ad sense and the google search up and running... added the tagboard.... ive already earned 12 cents... Yay!!!... chatted with arun and aj for like 2 hours... learnt stuff about arun that i hadnt known before....

as i read through some of my more recent post i see a deterioration of quality... i see myself becoming a mere "entry-of-the-day" type of person... agreed i dont type in daily (i am still pc-less)... but my entries are losing quality... they lack substance unlike arun's blog....

im in quite a dilemma as of now... i have enough cash to get myself a distortion unit for my guitar... but even if i get distortion i do not have an amp... so i wont be able to use it... otherwise i could use something like 120 bucks on getting myself cds by aloke dutta and store the left over money for my gear.... or i could get myself an oud... an oud is the 12 string arab instrument that is played like a guitar.... for so long ive been howling at the moon about my lack of money but now that i have a little money, the choices are killing me... what do i do?... what do i do?.....

the iPOD is finally in saudi arabia.... i found out that Jarir Bookstore are selling iPODs out here... and they're the only ones... the 15GB iPOD is selling for SR1250....... the 40 will be something like 1800 bucks... the prices are good... but i dont have that much money..... but i can atleast be happy aith the thought that i can get one fast as soon as i get the money... right?....

i just realised that i am very materialistic... my whole post is about things i want to buy and money.... I make myself sick!

Remember 09/11/2002

peacerespectempathy

Agoraphobia

sound : TOOL - Pushit (Live) feat. Alok Dutta

Look at your blurry eyes,
Why are they spinning?
Why sneer at me?
Grunting and grumbling,
Frightened I stay inside,
Watching over my shoulders
And double-checking every lock.

Utopia in my head.
Utopia in my mind.
Utopia in my home.

Dare I join the flock?
Blinded sheep running,
Stampeding towards the edge.

Dare I be one of you?
Baffled by your dogma,
Crawling to your destruction.

Dare I leave my security behind?
The comfort, the warmth,
To walk out into your cruel, cruel world.

Dare I open the doors?
Turn the key and twist the knob,
To expose myself to your dirty stigma.

Euphoria in my head.
Euphoria in my mind.
Euphoria in my home.

I'm so lonely,
But it's ok because I am safe.
Zodiac lovers and bird watchers
They don’t scare me anymore
Because I have found God.
I look into his eyes,
And see that they are mine.

peacerespectempathy

My email to T

sound : some guy frantically trying to beat his keyboard to death

i went down to pay and leave the cafe but its prayer time so i guess ill stay for another half hour... i thought id post the email i sent to t....

hi there kiddo... how are you?... its wierd without you out here you know?... i went over to your place for mass and jamie was there but you weren't....even mike said he missed you :)... jamie is ok considering his best friend is in india... but you know how it is.. right?... ajnu has you email up in her blog and i read thru it... abt the guardian thing... its ok... nobody other than the first people who understand you (in your case - your folks) will truly understand who you really are... abt guardians... they'll fuss on you for a while and then it'll be ok.... you can do your thing... you know you wont fuck up and thats enough... sorry abt the tone of this email but im feeling all messed up right now.... but you should be happy though... be happy that you have your folks to understand you... for me its different...till i was 10 it was all good for me... papa and mama knew me... but after i went to india i lost my intimacy with them... after that all my support for the last 10 years are my friends... ive never understood my folks like i understood my friends throughout my teen life... but now... i feel like im finally bonding with mama... agreed they treat me like somebody i am not... but mama and me are getting along better now... so you should be happy... you can speak to yourfolks and stuff... abt missing jeddah... its natural.... you've been here your whole life and you will miss it... be happy abt that too cos you BELONG... you feel an affinity for a place... youve got somewhere to set your heart to when in doubt... be happy abt it and cherish it.... me and arun have the same problem... we both dont feel like we belong... i wish you guys were here... you, arun.... did you realise that i wasnt all too close with you until i came to jeddah?... those 2 yrs i spent here were not my best but i connected with you and aj and arun... by connected i mean i really got to know ya'll... you guys were my pillar.... god knows what i woulda done if ya'll werent around whenever i felt bad... i just went to arun and i felt much better whenever i spoke to you and aj... both of you guys were so full of everything... you must be thinking im goin all stupid eyed and stuff... its just that ive been thinking a lot abt my life after my bday and i had some stuff to say... remember the baha picnic... thanks... you and lini... thanks for not treating me like an animal after my outburst out there... i realized that a few ppl were treating me kinda differently... catiously infact... but you guys didnt show a sign.... thanks a lot... gotta say that to lini too.... actually im sorry you had to see that... it was all that pressure and stuff... all that steam building up and POOF!!! i blew up... its like one of those really loud farts.... you try holding it in but after a while KA-BLAAAAMO!!! you just let it rip... i guess that was one of life's farts huh.... balls... this email has been way too serious... hope your not bored.... onto lighter stuff.... theres a new song by the music :D.... its called "freedom fighters" and the singer does his dance.... heh heh heh.... abt the blog thing... why dont you?... guess ill stop here.... ciao little one.... PRE - avi

damn winmx is not downloading anything... crap!! chatted with aj and arun for a while... im feeling all shit faced right now... i just realised that im not in the mood to type anything out... i just want my life back. PERIOD.

peacerespectempathy

The pine tree speaketh...

sound : an annoying buzzing sound from somewhere overhead

im in ther cafe again... i had typed out a huge entry and before i could publish it... POOF!! the current goes...then i had to wait a half hour before the current came again... there was a fire in one of the building near-by... atleast nobody was hurt..... lemme try to type the whole thing again...

well... my internet connection was all messed up for the past week so i could not come online after my birthday... yeah im 20... ya-fuckin-hoo.... big deal... i dont feel different and i aint different... and i was freakin over something so stupid.... ok ok... its only been a week... with my super pessimistic attitude and the luck that comes my way im sure to be in hell by the end of the year... but there is some good news though... the staff in the US embassy are comin back and they have already given visas to 2 or 3 people here.... thats good cos hopefully our visa will come through in a few months (4-5 max)... then i can finally get my butt to college and be happy for a change...

the past weeks been ok except for the withdrawal symptoms caused by my not getting access to the internet for a week... i am incharge of the pullikalli (a traditional mallu dance done on onam) for kairali (the mallu club out here)... its traditionally done with some drums and people dressed up as tigers (pullikalli literalli means tiger-dance)... since im incharge i thought id fool around with tradition... i chose six kids and for the music i took sepultura's "ratamahatta"... now this rocks without a doubt..... then i realise that i dont have the mp3 anymore cos my pc fucked itself up and is on the fritz... so i go to aj's place and ask her and she doesnt have the song... im going crazy when all of a sudden i remember that i had made a mixtape for a picnic we had and i vaguely remember putting this song in one of the 3 tapes.... i ask aj and she brings me the tape and voila!... ratamahatta baby..... im happy and i start practice and stuff with just this one tape in hand... no backups... i thought that i could go one or 2 practices without a safety net and then go to bala unc's place and copy it onto another tape... well y'day i goto bala unc's place and my tape had the honor of being the first ever cassette to be chewed up by bala unc's stereo... so here i am... in a cafe... downloading stuff.... what can i say?... life sucks....now that im here i got the song butr i cant have a cd with just one song right?... so im d/lin a couple of other songs to fill up the cd... im doin velvet revolver's "superhuman" now....

i got a hilarious ecard from arun for my birthday... ill paste in the message below...

To my dearest Avi...
"All Hail the al-Mighty Kundi Man (PBUH).... the most gracious the most
merciful..."May the udder of a million cows shudder the love of the universe
upon thee... Wishing you all the merriest and happiest wishes on the planet on
this pompous occasion of joy and happiness ... your BIRTHDAY.... so my dearest
pine tree... hang around to spread the word of the Rastafarian ...
Proverbs 15:17 "Better is a dinner of herb where love is, than a stalled ox
and hatred there with." HAVE YOURSELF A VERY VERY VERY HABBEEE BIRTHDAY.. and if
you can get a MADAM TO BOOM BOOM it'll be NAAT AT ALL THE BAD MANNER
FOOLE!
With Love, Peace, Respect 'n' Devotion;
Arun

i guess he was stoned or something when he typed that out cos... WOW!!!.... roy unc gave me a cool gift...i guess he knows how fascinated i am with arab instruments... he bought me an arab drum... its made of brass and its shaped so that it sits under your armpit or inbetween yur thighs (if you are playing it sitting down)... its cool and whenever i see it i cant stop myself from knocking out a cool beat or two...

with the money i got after working in the summer i have realized that i am a very stingy bastard... seriously...all i have got myself so far is a capo and a strap for the guitar... the srat is cool... its a fender strap, its black and has fender embroidered on one end...

superhuman rocks.... im listening to it right now.... the downloads are getting slow again... more and more people are comin to the cafe... if i could have afforded a dsl connection it would have been cool... i could get whatever i want... music, movies, software, games.... anything.... plus i get all of these in minutes.... i hate dreaming... makes me depressed realising how shitty my life has ended up being.... fuck it all...

i gotta get myself an oud.... hmm...

peacerespectempathy