I GOT CASH!

sound : A Boy Named Sue - Johnny Cash

we went to yunus uncle's (kader and kadeer's younger brother) place today.... they came over and dani aunty gave me a cd... johnny cash's "Man in Black"... the two cd set... this cos she heard me quote johnny cash when i was asked to speak about leaving saudi arabia... so yunus uncle was like "come over... check out my collection and copy what you want"... who wouldn't say yes to that offer...

well we go there... and WOW!... i was like the proverbial kid in the toy store... i was the kid in the biggest fuckin toy store ever!..... he has a collection of like 300+ cds... man oh man!.... he has everything from johnny cash to bob dylan to simon and garfunkel to leonard cohen to hendrix to marvin gaye to jeff beck.... i was all aweating and freaking out.... i went through the whole thing and picked out exactly 115 cds.... those are not individual cds im talking about... 1-1-5 titles... some of em are sets so there must be over 150 cds.... and i gotta rip em and burn em and return them... thats all man... i aint gonna have to download music for a little whil;e now... im one happy camper.... so much music... ive arranged them on my table according to artist and i feel beautiful... it just looks and feels beautiful... akshay told me that i looked like lester bangs as he is depicted in almost famous... heh heh heh... now that makes me happy...

...and thus the scarred philosopher rides off into the sunset... no, he didn't get the girl, but he is content... he can play "layla", he has his guitar and one heck of a music collection... hell yeah!... the perfect ending to a not-so perfect day....

peacerespectempathy

Deific Catatonia (Dei non-gratis)

Catatonic mumblings from the ears of the naked saint,
Why do we bother? Why do we even care?
The bastard son rules the world,
Born of no father? You could not be the father.

Watch as the castrated pig lies down,
It break down and stumbles into a puddle of it's own waste.
You are he, you are she, you are it.
Confusion my only drug, you are my opium,
Grab me in you filthy claws, rip me up again.
Later we'll go and meet the schizophrenic priest
And learn everyhting about those imaginary things,
Like love, life, hate, death, light and dark.
We need to deaden ourselves, numb ourselves from everything
We dont need to understand! We dont need to understand!
No one needs to understand! We dont need to understand!
Bite his face, tear all the flesh out,
Drink the juice of life from the faucet of pain.

There's a serial killer about,
He goes around ripping cherubs' heads off their dirty little bodies
And then he pins them on the wall with pins through their wings.

Trust in me my friendly fiend,
Trust in all the lies that I feed you.
You are hungry, hungry for more untruths,
Feed on my pain, feed on my lies, feed on me!
Becoming, unbecoming, becoming, unbecoming, becoming, unbecoming.

Turn this water into wine, make me alive again.
Live my life for me because I am you and we are they.
Hey little friend, fuck you!
I am not angry at you, I just hate you.
I hate everything about you,
I hate it that you are so much like me.
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!
I hate you!

I am the bastard overlord,
I am the terminal pig,
I am everything,
I am god and I love to gamble with my sheep.

And me?

You , you are my poker chip.

| Dm | Bb | C | Dm |

sound : Layla (Acoustic) - Eric Clapton

i finally did it!!... i can play layla... agreed my solo isnt as good as clapton but hey!... I CAN FUCKIN PLAY "LAYLA"!!!... how fuckin cool is that.... i can finally say that i am an ok guitarist.... not good yet, but ok... ok's a good start right?....

i know i said tomorrow in the last post but i was either too lazy or too busy... all this packing and stuff... its tougher than i thought... its seriously way more time-consuming than i thought...

the farewell thing went off really well... met siddhart after a real long time... he's working in riyadh.... "it" struck me right then... at the party... thats where "it" struck me... i'm leaving... i'm leaving for good.... this time its not me going off to school or anything... i am leaving this place... my home for 20 years... im leaving my home behind... im leaving everything i had known in my short life back here... most of the people here are like family... i'm leaving them behind... im leaving the only place i've ever called home even though we dont ownthe apartment... everything... it all gets over in one big "KA-BLAAM!!!".... after that its a new life... im all for new beginings and stuff, especially after all the shit i've been through.... but i still feel like there's still something left... i feel like i'm still carrying somebaggage with me... i guess i still haven gotten closure yet... its strange... i fing he pieces of my life finally falling back into place and i still watch for the stray anomaly... i need to find closure... there is still some of the fears of the old me still there... i need to rid myself off of this baggage... i guess the time's still not right... the universe will speak to me when the time is right for me to find closure... maybe then...

it was really touching, the farewell party... all those people coming there just to tell us that they're friends... mama was in rudolf mode the whole time... the song me and mama did went of ok... peter unc's song went off really well.... we had some really classy singing by jukie (OUCH!), jose matthew (DOUBLE OUCH!!) and a duet by dev and nidhin uncle (WTFWJD????)... add to that a speech by Jose "toast-bastard" PM... YEAH BABY, YEAH!!!... it was "fundastic!"...

i exchanged bandanas with shedda (the kid who told me that i should be having a girlfriend... i blogged about that too)... it was real sweet of her... agreed its the same thing but hey... it was a nice gesture and i was all vulnerable and messed up back then (all that leaving thoughts were messing with my brain).... aj and koos weren't there... stronzos.... i wanted them to come but they didnt... i guess i'll forgive them because they got exams...

i remember i blogged a few goodbyes back in january... i guess now's the time to bring out the rest... well, not now... but soon... i doubt i'll get the chance later on...

i feel one of those sentimental "i-love-you-all" type of entry coming up....

"tune in next week. same time, same channel, same asshole for another installment of sentimental crap from the scarred philosopher... this is your friendly neighbourhood narrator-guy signing off..."


peacerespectempathy

I'M OVERWHELMED!!!

sound : Tangerine - Led Zeppelin

i'll elaborate tomorrow... i'm dead tired right now...

peacerespectempathy

"Layla! You got me on my knees."

sound : I'm A Man - The Yardbirds

the blues have soul... the blues have life... i love the blues... eric clapton, jimi hendrix, led zeppelin, robert johnson, the yardbirds... they all make me wanna love music even more... like john lee hooker said, "the blues is the healer".... how frickin true is that?....

maybe the reason i listen to so much of the blues is that i feel it... i feel the blues... no, its not the love songs im talking about... its the feeling of sadness... the feeling of helplessness thats evident in most of the songs... and its not just the feeling of it either... the instrumentation is just plain beautiful... robert johnson revolutionized slide guitar... he is the god of bottleneck blues... layla... enough said... it isnt my fovorite song for no reason... the instrumentation, the vocals, the overall feeling of the song is so very "YEAH!!"...

the past few days have been ok... not too much going on... ive found out certain things about myself and others... nothing big... just stuff... g-kutty unc took us out to dinner yesterday... i waltzed into the restaurant like some big artist... guitar on my back and stuff.... dinner was good... unlike the last time i wasnt sick so i could eat without any qualms..... heh heh heh... that sure does make my day... then we went to baskin and robins and had some icecream... yummy... im 20 and i still drool at the sigh of icecream... its incredible... i astound myself at times....

there you go... another meaningless post just for the sake of posting...

my life is full of excitement!...

peacerespectempathy

My brain is a weapon of mass destruction!

"Wake up and face me..."

sound : Passive - A Perfect Circle

i saw the video for APC's "Passive" for the first time today... WOW!... awesome is not enough of an exclamation here... i mean... seriously... the way the band kept true to it's not showing the members, yet they give you tantalizing silhouette style shots (which look kinda cool because it looks like they shot the clips with heat vision or something similar) of the band members... add to that the scenes from "Constantine" interspersed here and there in the video... man oh man...

Dead as dead can be
The doctor tells me
But I just can't believe him
Ever the optimistic one
I'm sure of your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up, and face me
Don't play dead, cause maybe
Someday I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Leaning over you here
Cold and catatonic
I catch a brief reflection
Of what you could and might have been
It's your right and your ability
To become my perfect enemy

Wake up (why can't you)
And face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (cause maybe)
Someday (someday)
I'll walk away and say
You dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way
Maybe you're better off this way

You're better off this
You're better off this
Maybe you're better off

Wake up(why can't you)
And face me (come on now)
Don't play dead (don't play dead)
Cause maybe (cause maybe)
Someday (someday)
I'll walk away and say
You fucking dissapoint me
Maybe you're better off this way

Go ahead and play dead (GO!)
I know that you can hear this (GO!)

Go ahead and play dead (GO!)
Why can't you turn and face me? (WAKE UP!)

Why can't you turn and face me? (WAKE UP!)
Why can't you turn and face me? (WAKE UP!)

Why can't you turn and face me (GO!)
You fucking dissapoint me!

Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit
Passive agressive bullshit

\m/ Fuck Yeah!! \m/

peacerespectempathy

this is what happens when i try to study...

sound : The Days Have Turned - John Frusciante

its weird... truly... if i had gone through these same two years under similar yet dis-similar circumstances the whole thing would have been totally different.... but the end result would still be the same... i may not have known the people i know today but i will eventually end up right here right now doing exactly this... makes you think doesnt it?... most of the people i know wouldnt give a rat's ass about me if it had been so... forget giving a rat's ass... they wouldnt even know me... its really strange...

life.. this plethora of disorganized sequences and circumstances with one final end.... but how can the end always be the same?... doesnt time have any effect on this whole jumbled mess of a universe?... or is time too damn insignificant to be of any value in this large and dizzying cosmos that we call our "world"... im not talking just of earth here... gaia is huge in herself... but im talking of the whole thing that we humans wrongfully consider as ours... the whole of the known universe... if man had discovered alternate universes would he consider it as his own?... wouldnt the collective egos of the human race even allow the new-found (hypothetical) universe be somebody else's.... and what about the open-minded amongst the human animal?... are they better off?... or are they just as bad as their conformist counterparts?... wouldnt all the non-conformists who speak of the same ideas and notions be conforming towards each other?... would conforming non-conformists be the right label for these people if it is even right to label entities?.... would labeling a bunch of like-minded people instantly make them a "group"?... and if we label the conforming non-conformists as conforming non-conformists wouldnt they be a group?... why is it that the human animal seeks to always analyze what it doesnt understand?...

and why should the end(s) always be the same?... cant we control the final outcomes of our own universe(s) even though we can control destiny?... why cant we control our very own universes?...

but if we could control our own personal universes wouldnt we become god-like?... or if i may be so bold... GOD?.... is this the six degrees that seperates us from the deities we all so fervently revere?... we can create life... we can create worlds... it is just control that we should gain to become omnipotant... and when will the human animal be given this power of control?... and when it gets it will it be ready to wield such awesome greatness or will it just decimate itself due to sheer egotism?....

what exactly is the use of all this?... what is the use of me pondering on such ideas?... will i, if i put my heart, mind, soul and blood into it, finally be able to understand control?...

will we ever be given the proverbial flame from the gods?...

or will we, like in everything else that we have ever done so far, destroy ourselves in seeking the key to controlling our own universe(s)?...

peacerespectempathy

The Tragi-Comedy That Is My Life: Chapter 5468

sound : Cereal Song - bicycle Thief feat. John Frusciante

all the years i've spent moaning and bitching about how unattractive i am... the eons spent cursing god-dude for making me what i am... all the time spent on self-loathing... all of it... for what?... what was the purpose of all that whining?... why did i complain so much?.. the answer is simple... i felt ugly... i'm fat, short and ugly... thats how i see myself... i am insecure and extremely self-conscious...

but wait!... there always is a silver lining...

a few days back i found out from ajnu that i'm considered good looking... not just by anyone though... i'm considered as a "hunk" in the thriving gay community amongst the indian homosexual circles... WHAT THE FUCK?...

god-dude sure has a very sharpend sense of irony... the bastard... (s)he is like the sadistic kid with the magnifying glass who goes around burning poor, defenseless bugs just so as to feel the rush of power (however small it may be) in his/her meaningless existance... i guess right now (s)he must be looking down on me (whilst) laughing his/her head off... why have you forsaken me?... what have i done to you that makes me deserve so much of god-dude's scorn?...

this is taking things one step too far.... we're at war now...

i am avinash "dubya" jose and i declare war!...

all you angels and cherubs.... watch your asses... you've got a very angry fat guy on your nasty little holy tails....

hmm... i had pancakes for dinner... i seriously have got to change my diet...

peacerespectempathy

Today's Playlist

Millionaire - Queens of the Stone Age
Thinking Of You - A Perfect Circle
Reptile - Nine Inch Nails
Black Dog (Live) - Led Zeppelin
Where Are We Running? - Lenny Kravitz
Little Sister - Queens of the Stone Age
Everything Means Nothing To Me - Elliott Smith
Bother - Stone Sour
Piggy - Nine Inch Nails
Jolene (Live) - the White Stripes
Creep - Radiohead
Sex Type Thing - Stone Temple Pilots
Dragula - Rob Zombie
Slither - Velvet Revolver
Shadow On The Sun - Audioslave
Ænema - TOOL
Aerials - System of a Down
Regret - John Frusciante
Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own - U2