Virtual inZainity

sound : people talking all over the place and some guy listening to britney spears at full blast in his headfones

im at hyala internet cafe right now... i wanted to try and get back my mp3 by downlading them all over again... but guess what?... this cafes speed is pathetic... inZain said this place is super fast and the speeds are awesome and shit... but guess what.. it sucks... im doin TOOL's Salival and i think im gonna take abt 4 hours to do it... chatted with d after more than 2 yrs and found out why aj hates nirmal... heh heh heh..

peacerespectempathy

"...I was left alone, in a world so cold."

sound : Mudvayne - World So Cold

im reading "From The Holy Mountain" by William Dalrymple... its a cool book... its one of those travel logs... ive never read a travel book before but i like it... this guy's writing is superb... its about his travels through the middle east (turkey, syria, israel, jordan, egypt)... you feel like you are there while he explains the beauty and the grandeur of the early christian churches and monasteries that are being destroyed on a daily basis even today... i may not believe in organized religion but nobody should destroy culture... the turkish have managed to wipe out any evidance that the armenians even lived in their country by destroying the armenian heritage landmark after landmark, church after church... now there is nothing left...the art that was in those buildings were priceless... its like how the taleban destroyed the huge statue of buddha in afganistan... that was really sad...

as i've said before, my birthday is comin up in a few days... as of now im feeling so damn shitty i dont even feel like listening to music... my folks (as always, a favorite topic to rant on) had to poke me time and again today with the fact that i aint in college and how they are ashamed to be seen with me because of my long hair and (supposed) complascent attitude towards my life...

first things first... why do i grow my hair?... i dont know... it is not a fashion statement, it is not even comb-able.... but why?... what i tell people is that i believe in John Lennon's "Hair Peace"... but i know that aint true... i think the reason why i grow my hair is because as i child whenever i saw somebody with long hair (especially Bono or Michael Jackson) i still remember thinking "look at his hair... that is soo cool, i wish i had hair like that!"... after my life got screwed i watched as all my dreams of college shatter before my very eyes.... i can never say that i graduated from high school... i guess what i'm trying to say is that i just wanted to see myself with atleast one of my dreams realised... atleast i have grown my hair... i am not a world-famous comic like i wanted to be as a kid... i am not a biologist working from a tent in the amazon... i do not have a dog of my own... i have not been to a monastery in tibet... i have not lost weigh... i have not gone sky-diving... but atleast in my small way i have managed to do something that i had always wanted to do from the time i was a child... i have grown my hair... it may be a lame reason but thats the best i can give...

about my attitude to life... i dont know... i just dont like many people knowing how i feel... agreed its not very healthy to hold in my feelings but i always was kinda shy and closed out from the rest of the world... i never go to my folks for anything... i have never spoken to them during times when most kids go to their parents and rectify things with them, like during puberty and stuff... i have always relied on my friends and books...

they tell me that if our visa comes through and we have to ge to india i'll have to cut my hair... i dont want to cut my hair... so what if the people in india think shit about me... i dont care, why should they care?.... why are they ashamed of me?... i may not be an academic genius but i know and some other people know that i'm not a useless human being... its just that i need some time to get over myself and my fear... im still scared... why am i hesitating about doing my GRE?... im scared... im shit scared... i know i can get through the exam easily but after the 12th grade i shit scared of exams... i want to do my ged but i feel scared stiff... even the thought of examinations give me the chills (and im not joking here)... everybody comes to me for advice... even today... jude asked me bout how he should go and tell this girl he likes her but look at my life... its in shambles and i dont know what to do....

i've got 4 days left of me being a teenager:

did i enjoy my teen years?...
there were the good times and the bad times... lots of blood, lots of laughter, lots of tears and lots of... life!...

was it what i expected?...
no, i never really lived the teen life the way i had imagined me living them as a pre-teen...

am i satisfied with my teen life?...
i dont know... no, i am not... i have under-achieved, i have not changed society in any way...

am i happy?...
no, not at all...

why?...
for all the reasons stated above and in all my other entries in this blog...

this verse from Mudvayne's song "World So Cold" says it all right now

Burning whispers
Remind me of the days
I was left alone,
In a world this cold.
Guilty of the same things
Reveled by the cause
I was left alone,
In a world so cold .

peacerespectempathy

"I wear this crown of shit"

sound : NIN - Hurt
(i have got to listen to something more cheerful before i kill myself)

i finished the book (Adrian Mole: From Minor to Major) a while back... i sat back and strummed a few riffs and pieces whilst i pondered on the book... as i have said before, i have so much to relate to with adrian mole (to be know hereafter as AM)... his teen years were exactly like mine... smart and intelectual yet totally lacking in the field of academics... thereby screwing his life thanks to him doing poorly in his "A" levels (graduation)... his life was better in some ways... by the time he was twenty he had written a saga (The Restless Tadpole), an experimental novel (Lo! The Flat Hills of My Homeland) and has a job (however bad it may be)... and this is a guy who doesnt even exist outside the planes of literary imagination... look at me... look at me... i cant even drive yet, i have not been to college, i do not have a job, a major portion of my literary work was lost thanks to me being so damn secretive and so damn dumb so as not to back up my files knowing my pc was a piece of crap not worth its weight in diarhea-ic horse shit.... me the moron....

fought with the folks as usual... they say i shouldnt call my brother a retard... dont get me wrong, i aint shallow or anything... but the idiot gets on my nerves... i can repeat whatever im saying a million times with no response and now that i have found a way to get his attention, i am deprived of my only means of comunication to the over-rated rainman... "definitely need to get chatta [i.e. me] in trouble. definitely. yes, definitely some trouble for him,definitely."... balls....

the truth is - life is the biggest damn boot you've ever seen... and all this boot wants to do is stay superglued to your over-abused ass.... i shall restart work on my ode to heirarchial existance... it was an incomplete piece that was lost in the great hard disk failure of '04... as of the last time i worked on it, it was 36 (or was it 33???) verses short... i doubt if i can rewrite it to its former (publicly unknown) glory or even rewrite it, but i will try to... and if that does not work i shall try to write another piece on another topic in the same fashion.... my brains are turning into pudding thanks to all this non-stimuli around me... i am surrounded by morons (i think i should copyright that phrase) and live among the ignorant... i feel he redundancy of guilt, anger and depression... my life is fueled by the angst that drives the despotic and the mentally deranged...

I am Avinash Jose Ignatius, a depressed, moronic, mentally deranged, angst-ridden despot.

peacerespectempathy

What have I become?

sound : NIN - Hurt [i have been listening to this song on repeat for the last half hour]

-==Hurt==-

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way

it was sunil unc's bday today... mama made some drawings of j. christ ispired by the work of luc feymanc... went over to his (sunil) place and stuff... listened to some classic santana.... santana during their better years... supernatural was good, but shaman was crap.... "oye como va" and "jingo" and "black magic woman" and stuff... borrowed a book - Sue Townsend's "Adrian Mole: From Minor To Major"... its awesome... i can relate to adrian so much... the way he dreams of his life, his thoughts on society and culture and his exageration of his own intelect... everything he does i can relate to... i remember i was exactly like adrian mole in the 9th grade... its weird though... a week from now i turn 20!!! TWENTY!!! ive got one more week of teen life left and theres so much in my life left incomplete.... some of the ppl i know are even getting married, some have jobs and are totally independant... look at me.... i havent even been to college yet... i have no money, i leech off of my folks, i aint even happy about myself... sure everybody thinks im the happiest guy on the planet... but hey, its a damn facade... ppl already think im a nut-case thanks to my different tastes, my attitude, my look and practically almost everything about me... one kid even came upto me and asked me if i was a thug (damn you mallu stereotypes on tv!! damn you!!)...

who exactly am i?... i know i sound repetetive by asking this question... but i have to... this is because i still have no answer to that question...

who am i?...

who am i?...

who am i?...

balls to it all!

peacerespectempathy

Working Class Hero

sound : John Lennon - Working Class Hero

As soon as you’re born they make you feel small
By giving you no time instead of it all
Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

They hurt you at home and they hit you at school
They hate you if you’re clever and they despise a fool
Till you’re so fucking crazy you can’t follow their rules
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

When they’ve tortured and scared you for twenty odd years
Then they expect you to pick a career
When you can’t really function you’re so full of fear
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

Keep you doped with religion and sex and tv
And you think you’re so clever and classless and free
But you’re still fucking peasants as far as I can see
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

There’s room at the top they are telling you still
But first you must learn how to smile as you kill
If you want to be like the folks on the hill
A working class hero is something to be
A working class hero is something to be

If you want to be a hero well just follow me
If you want to be a hero well just follow me

peacerespectempathy

An Apology

sound : John Lennon - Imagine

An Apology

Follow me into the wild blue yonder,

And see patterns and noises to make you wonder.

Dirty, ugly monkeys.

Damn those monkeys!

Sit on a beach at sunrise

Watch as the mermaids race,

While the unicorns preside over

All that is seen and unseen.

Sing in joy merry little damsel

While we spy the unification

Of all that is physical and non-physical.

Patterns of chaotic order;

Beauty beyond the eyes of a babe

Operatic sea-horses praise gaia.

Oh mother, oh sweet gaia.

Lovely, lovely home and shelter,

Forgive us.

Forgive us,

We are but unworthy maggots

In your ever-welcoming womb.

Forgive us.

Forgive us.

peacerespectempathy

melting chocolate... hmmmm....

Listening to : tori amos - smells like teen spirit

today was the last day of summer school... or is it?... cos all the kids have been askin for an extension the schools gonna call up all the parents and see how many will agree to send thir kids for another two weeks... if it works out i'll have to go for another two weeks and frankly speaking, i dont mind.... there was so much food today - i was stuffed... plus hind gave me an extra huge slice of chocolate cake that she made... no kiddin it was the best, most creamiest, richest, darkest chocolate cake i have ever eaten... and she made it on her own... chocolate cake, hmmm.... i swear it was beautiful... i was eating everything else in moderation and when it was time for me to get the cake she gives me this extra large slice and i aint complaining... the thing just melted in my mouth and i aint exagerating here... hmmm... after distributing certificates (which i had designed :D) to all the kids, mama and me went and asked uzma about my salary... thats when we find out that she had already given it to mama at the begining of the month... all of us thought mama had gotten a 500 riyal raise this month but it was actually my salary... she went and gave it to papa thinking it was her's and he used it to repair the air conditioning in the jalopy that we call our car... she was kinda bummed when she realized this but strangely enough, i was ok... there was so much i wanted to do with that money (i wanted to get some gear for my guitar; new strings, a tuner, a stand and a hard guitar case) but i guess ill have to put that on hold with the rest of my life huh?... i guess ive gotten used to not getting what i want and im calm with it... or im getting soft.... damn, all this shit is breaking me.... crap!.... before everybody left leena comes to and asks me if she could have a word with me... she (believe it or not) thruthfully and very seriously apologized to me for (in her words) "giving me a hard time"... huh???... i didnt even realize... but she was sincere... damn sweet of her... atleast that proves that im not totally surrounded by morons... there are a few good elements amongst the dirt-heap that we call society....

its mama's birthday (MANY,MANY HAPPY RETURNS OF THE DAY MAMA!!)... i know she wont be reading this but its ok... i already woke her up at midnight and wished her....

check this guitar out - 50th Anniversary Golden Stratocastor... WOW!!!.... oh yeah i learnt how to play the godfather theme.... heres the tab....

Godfather Theme

e:-----------------------------------------------------------------------
B:------1--0-----1-----0--------------------1--0-----1-----0-------------
G:---2--------2-----2-----2-----0--------2--------2-----2---2----------
D:2--------------------------3-----2--2--------------------------3--2--0-
A:-----------------------------------------------------------------------
E:-----------------------------------------------------------------------

e:------------------------------------------------------------
B:-----------0------------------------------------------------
G:--------2-----------1--2--------0--------0------------------
D:--0--3--------0--3-----------------3--2-----3--3--2---------
A:--------------------------0--3--------------------------2--3--0
E:------------------------------------------------------------

peacerespectempathy

Keralafornication

Listening to : APC - judith

here's an email i sent arun today... it pretty much sums up my day... i aint in any mood to retype the whole thing so im just onna post the email here...

hey arun

about everybody being in the dumps and shit...i wonder if it is the jeddah effect or something?... seems like im the only one left huh?...man i wish i were there.... today sucked... and i mean BIGTIME sucked.... went to this meh fil thingy... you know song and dance andcrap.... me with my french beard and ponytail - some of the kids thought i was a "kallan" <"kallan" translates to thief or rowdy in malayalam>...they shouldnt be watching so much mallu tv if you know what i mean... the damn thing is gonna go on till daybreak... we left halfway through... anita vargese is here and this was like some anita promotion thing... atleast 15 songs by her... plusanother 5 duets... then add in some of the most pathetic dances ever... there were these two guys dancing to this "sa re ga me" song... one of them seriously looked stoned.... i dont know whats this"barbie girl" fixation we mallus have... i swear... this tiny kid (she must be like 8 or something) and this guy... this mother-fucker was huge... im talking 5" 11', broad.... he's got this solitary streak right above his forehead, hes wearing leather pants and a black tee, plus hes got christmas decorations hangin from his body... no im talking monster mother-fucker here... oh yeah... not to forget the shades... lets call him SALMAN KEN... 4" girl and salman ken dance to aqua's "barbie girl"... man that was perverse... you shudda seen michelle (sunny mammen's little one)... she takes one look at SK and screams her little guts out.... she points at him and runs to sunny mammen who had to take her out of the room... this guy looks atleast 23 and hes doing this... my theory is that he was on an acid trip gone bad or something... how can any sane man in a right frame of mind even imagine dancing to aqua... and with an 8 yr old at that... and this guy was dancing like it was the coolest thing you could possibly do...i have been irreversably damaged psychologically... i swear it... i cant get that freaky bastard outta my head... its like how you never ever forget the most grotesque thing you see in your life (even if see it by mistake and i most certainly believe seeing this dance was one)... i mean... OH MY GOD!!!... what the fuck was he thinking?.... and the guy who looked stoned... i saw him later on wearing pedal-pushers.... PEDAL-PUSHERS!!!... what the fuck is wrong with this world... pedo guys dancing with 8 yr olds... guys in chicks' clothing... i've somehow ended up in some wierd distorted reality or something... this guy was walking aroung in chicks' pedal pushers like they were the hottest fashion statements ever.... huh?... mallus suck... jesus fuckin christ only knows why i ended up being one... proud, greedy, snobbish, lazy, dirty and ignorant.... talk about assholes huh?... guess ill stop ranting for now... regards to minto...ask him to mail me...

respect - avi

did i have a bad day or what?....

In[tro]spection

Listening to : Disturbed - Prayer

I prefer:

• led zeppelin over pink floyd
• black over white
• kate hudson over drew barrymore (both of them are hot. )
• jim carrey over adam sandler
• APC's "mer de noms" over "thirteenth step"
• a '69 gt500 shelby 'stang over the hummer h2
• boxers over briefs
• "the exorcist" over the "omen" films
• tool's "ænima" over "undertow"
• tori amos over britney spears
• beyonce's ass over j.lo's butt
• a harley hog over a 1000cc race bike
• tattoos over piercings
• austin powers over james bond
• hanibal lecter over voldemort
• big-assed biker glasses over tiny little pussy shades
• rings over chains
• john frusciante over dave navarro
• nirvana over pearl jam
• system of a down over slipknot
• music over movies
• jimi hendrix over joe satriani
• cheese over peanut-butter
• doughnuts over croissants
• pizza over spaghetti
• turtles over goldfish
• beef over chicken
• dogs over cats
• maynard over serj (both rock though)
• nine inch nails over marilyn manson
• the white stripes over jet , the hives and all those other "the" bands
• down-to-earth girls over the bitchy supermodel types
• being alone rather than being in some party surrounded by millions of people you dont know
• the blues over jazz
• thruthful imperfections rather than fake perfection

inter[natio]nal parasites

Listening to : the white stripes - jolene

i realized something... i cant write anymore... i want to write something but i cant... im outta juice... i watched the exorcist on dvd today... the new scenes (i had seen the old version before) are cool... i loved the spider-walk thing she does on the stairs... then there are the faces that pop up in the shadows and stuuf... i prefer "the exorcist" over the "omen" movies anyday... "bride of chucky " was playing on tv today... hmm... went to school to discuss the certificates and stuff (i'm designin them)... all i actually did was sit around and talk to hind and shuroug, pot a few plant (i actually didnt do any potting, just sat around) and had a few cutlets and lemonade which the kids made (today was cooking day)... for the first time i went in and watched suzy teach the kids during their dance lessons... man oh man... its no wonder the kids are all complaining... talk about crap music - backstreet boys, lou bega and believe it or not - BILLY RAY CYRUS of all people... ... i stood there in shock for a while and just left the room... i felt myself getting physically ill... blechhh!... backstreet boys.. brrrr....

the national policy out here is strange... last week there was this case about a girl who was raped by her neighbor and his pal... while doing so they videoed the whole thing on their camera fone and put the vid on the net... the guys are gonna be executed (i dont think they should be executed... castration would be good enough.... actually, execution is ok for rapists), but thats not it... as of now camera fones are banned in this country... i mean what the fuck?.... some freak records a rape and they ban the fone... cant these people understand that such sexual frustration is caused due to their segregation of boys and girls.... atleast they must understand that the human being is a very social animal... deprive a person of contact with the opposite sex and what do you get?... rapists, murderers and terrorists.... think about it... if these assholes spent more time thinking about how they can impress a girl than on things like "killing the infidels" and "fighting the jihad" we'd be in a much better place... im not just talking about islam... its about all religions... its all obsolete... agreed religion is necessary for us pitiful excuses of intelligence as a pseudo-nanny... most of us just need somewhere to turn to when in doubt... its ok.... its not that we all have to be atheists... just dont overdo it... once it gets messy, its useless... all you extremists (im talkin about muslims, x-tians and hindus here), all you manage to accomplish by your stupidity is to prevent us from evolving as a species.... how is progress possible with so much in-fighting?... as a civilization, we humans are most inefficiant... its a miracle how we've come so far...