"Thank you for making me feel like I am guilty."

sound : Epitaph - King Crimson

Day: January 27th; 2006 EV
Time: (approx) 9:27 AM

i was listening to "The Undertaker (Renholder Remix)" by Puscifer, driving along highway 60 like i always do... i was on my way to drop mama at work... on the way to the mall i see shay and her aunt at the signal in the car beside mine... we wave at each other.... everyone smiles....

i drop mama at work and i get back on highway 60 to go pick up papa... he's at the toyota dealership; maintenance for his car..... i drive like i usually do.....

"stupid water tanker... going too slow..... why can't these dumbasses stop blocking our way?..."

i change lanes.... the truck in front of me slows down...... i look in the rear view mirror... uh oh.... i stop smiling...

oh fuck....

WHAM!...

im hit in the back by a semi.... an eighteen wheeler....

BAM!....

hit the second time..... i somehow manage not to get crushed between the two trucks......

next thing i know i'm on the next lane.... in shock.... i was shivering.....

first thing i did was to put on my hazard lights..... i couldn't get out of the car yet... i didn't want to see what had happened to poor layla....

"how bad is it?.... how did i end up on this lane?... why me?... why the fuck is it always me?.... will i go to jail?.... how can i afford insurance after this?.... i could have been crushed...."

i turn off my stereo, look down at my hands.... damn, they're still shaking.... i moved my head slowly so as to check whether i have whiplash.... nothing.... no physical injuries.....

i get out of the car and move towards the truck.... i peep in through the passenger door.... i knock and i open the door.... the driver is a lady.... not much older than me..... she looked like she saw a ghost... almost in tears even.... "are you ok?", i feel stupid immediately afterwords.... i was hit.... why do i need to comfort her when i'm just as scared, if not more?.....

i call papa and thomas uncle.....

i stand outside.... my hair flying all over the place in the chilly wind, i button up my favorite brown suede jacket.... i took a look at the back of my car.... first time after the accident.... i felt my heart shatter into a million pieces...

my car... my beautiful, lovely car.... ruined.... in an accident...... and she's barely a month old.... twenty two days to be exact..... oh man....

i felt THAT feeling.... the feeling one gets when they want to cry but they don't.... it's the hardest to handle, where you know you want to break down but you just won... not that you're stopping yourself, it's just that your body just wont.....

papa came before the police... he looked at the car and said something.... i don't remember what.... i don't even remember how i ended up on the third lane... did i skid there?.... or did i turn so that i don't get sandwiched between the two trucks?....

i look up at the sky and i see a bird flying overhead.....

i continued looking at the bird till it was nothing more than a speck over the horizon....

peacerespectempathy