The "Being John Malkovich" Syndrome

sound : Paranoid - Black Sabbath

arun's comment on my previous post has sent me through one of my usual tangents.....

why is it that i become a blind sheep to the ones that i admire?.... why is it that i have always believed that the greatest way to awsomeness was to emulate the ways and the means of all that i admire?... and why, oh why is it that the ones i admire have never, ever been any of the plain and normal heroes of our time..... why isn't gandhi my hero?.... or mother teresa?.... or even michael jordan?......

what is with this need of mine to discover the narrow crooked path of the scum of the earth..... why is it that when i discover something that i like, i (metaphorically) rape it to death?..... system of a down, aleister crowley, tool, hunter thompson, (at one stage of my life..... my personal shame) limp bizkit, linkin park, nine inch nails, audioslave, john frusciante, symphonic goth rock..... whenever i discover a new artist i get myself to check out each and every one of their creations....

now this leads me to ajnu's remark..... about the "ambition" thing... maybe this "being john malkovich" syndrome of mine stems from my non-ambition.... my total lack of wanting a future.... no, let me rephrase that.... i want a future..... but i think that i am too light on the ways on how i control myself and my life..... i'd rather let myself flow i guess.....

but this letting myself flow doesn't help my ego in any way.... i become this wierd freak of a man with no sense of being and no ambition what so ever..... add to this my lack of true and real heroes..... i have none.... no heroes.... zip... nada... nil.... and what do you get?..... a hero-worshipping pussy dude.... yes my most unlucky readers..... you have now understood what i truly am.... i am a loser..... not just any plain old loser... no, no, no, no, no.... i am a loser of the worst kind.... i am a no-good, worthless, non-ambitious, funk of a loser..... yes, the worst kind of loser there is....

but i have survived for this long being this wierd pathetic loser that i am.... what does that say about my theory of malkovichness?.... what does that make me?... am i scum?.... am i a waste of matter in this universe?....

i don't think so.... agreed, i do not have ambition.... my life is nearly non-existant.... but im alive.... i'm alive and kicking as hard as i can.... yes. all ye worms who read this, i am not a waste of mass and matter in this universe.... maybe i wont be rich or great during my lifetime.... but my life is much better that most others.... i have experienced way more than most people... i am the story teller... i am the wise old man on the mountain... i am the one THEY speak of with pity in THEIR voices.... i am the one who tried to help people when they need help the most....

I AM THE WALRUS!

and as the walrus i am content...

yes, you bunch of squirming maggots... in my own special way, i am content.....

peacerespectempathy