The ascension of Venus
Coupled with the birth of the father;
Jupiter brought forth.
Hierarchy of the unholy
Removal of the blood, test thy faith,
Dirty, dirty visions.
Daughter of Eros;
O, blessed whore!
Rise! Above and beyond despair
Remove thyself from thy image
Light shines forth from thy eyes.
Disillusioned little child,
Suffocating on your own ego.
My beautiful Rose,
Your very features
Sfumato for my soul
And omnicular eye
Blissfully existing in ignorance,
Belligerent and ignorant
To all your peoples and beasts;
Under puppet-strings and servitude.
My precious Madonna, my little pet,
My mistress or my executioner?
Reveal all, my queen,
My goddess, my precious puppeteer,
All thy follies hidden by my skitoma.
Your beauty blinds me.
One more magical moment is all I ask,
Sing for me, make me weep,
One more self-indulgent hymn if you please...
Intertwined umbilical life-forces,
I beg of you shamed virgin
Enlighten me. Empower me.
Dirty, dirty visions.
Punish me my mistress;
Destroy all that is I
Till I fall down in death.
Afterwards I shall lay thee down
And pray to the Earthly Goddess to take your soul.
O, woe is I! O, the lonesome misery!
I sacrifice all I have
For one kiss, one touch of you
My sweet, precious Helen.
Take my blood and flesh
Carry me over. Take me there
O, beautiful Magdalene.
O, pure and clean,
Edify me, Purify my soul,
Clean my spirit of all that is holy.
On a platter of gold I leave you
My blood, my soul, my flesh, my mind.
For you, and you alone
I shall reach forth and skew
The five extremities of Venusian perfection.
Hold me long enough to inspire,
And damage me till I die of pleasure.
I watch you fill the crucible with poison,
Forcefully open your third eye
And remove yourself from the physical.
Rip the rose apart, perfection destroyed.
The quartet-bodied trilogy removes you;
You are banished my little precious,
Banished from all that you love, precious.
Bless thee little child,
Keep thee well.
Tables turned, now I am master.
Metaphorical irony;
The true miracle of existence.
Hark, I hear something?
Yes, yes, it is you,
Screaming in pain as the truth stabs you.
Awake my poisoned Cleopatra,
Arise and be you seated;
For now we are almost equal.
Here, take these two coins for the boatman.
While we cross my ugly mer de merde.
6.23.2004
6.20.2004
6.17.2004
[insert title here]
Listening to : Seether feat. Amy Lee - Broken
t left today.... i know im being kinda selfish here but thats kinda shitty.... lets get to that later.... weeks been kinda eventful actually... never got to actually penning down an entry though... my mp3 player still fucked up... no progress there anyway (kinda like my life aint it?... all goes well excepting for tiny blemishes and KA-BLAAAMMO!!! its over in a sec...hmm...) my pc's been bitching a lot... sometimes when i switch it on the bios does not locate the harddisks... ill have to hard boot it all over again.... hard boot; does anybody even have to use that term anymore or am i the only one?... plus the pc wouldnt open musicmatch for the past 4 days... imagine... i wanna listen to some music and the pc hangs... then i gotta restart and i try again and POOF!... again.... fuck!!... but today... hmm... maybe its a so-called "good day" huh?... musicmatch started working again... but truly... im giving the pc two months tops... i aint guaranteeing anything more than that... after that or maybe even before... the things gonna die... my moods been horrible the whole week... now theres just aj whos left.... and i dont get to see her all too much cos shes real busy in school and stuff... its wierd.... first arun left... then i get to know neet for like a week and she leaves... t left today... i aint in contact with any of my friends in school... i never make any new friends cos i find ppl too shallow... well, most of em anyway... past two days ive been goin with mama to help out the HOPE stall at "le mall" (i swear... that must be the corniest name for a mall ever).... its like a disabled kids week and all the major schools have stalls there... so im goin there at 5 in the evening and im doin free face-paintings on kids til 9 or 9:30... its real tiring but hey its fun... its not just the disabled kids there are normal kids too... but the only downside to this is that i gotta comb and tie my hair cos mama says i might scare the kids otherwise... plus the place is crawling with ladies and (not forgetting this is saudi arabia) they might get scared of me too... the foirst day i musta easily done a 100 or more... and today - something like 80 or 90 kids... but its real tiring cos i have to bend and do the painting even when im sitting... we spoke to this brit woman while mama was doin her baby and she says all the westerners are scared to even get out of their houses... its really sad... she says they came to the mall today cos her kids were getting real bored at home... stupid terrorist mother fuckers.... look at the place... its all screwed up because of them... oh yeah... saw a girl today... ok i didnt technically see her but i met her... she volunteered at the stall today cos none of the teachers came today.... names shehreb or something like that (i meet one good person and i dont remember their name... how sad am i?... but she had a tough name though)... i didnt bother talking to her at first cos she was like all covered up... and i mean all... you can just see that she has a face through this translucent cloth shes worn like a burkha... i usually move away from girls like that cos, i dunno... ive never personally known anybody who'd walk around like that.... well... we started talking cos she was fascinated about my name... didnt know i was x-tian with my name being sanskrit and all... got to talking with her (it was still wierd though... i couldnt see her eyes...) i find out her moms an american and her dads a saudi... shes studying in the university and shes doin english.... she wants to do special ed but the course is not available in jeddah.. wants to do her doctorate in english and then do special ed somewhere else... we got to how this place sucks and why im stuck here and stuff and she says she'll call me during the vacations and i could go out with her and her friends during their vacations... i said what any other self respecting human would do... i said yes... but right now im having my doubts over this... would other ppl want to hang with me being broke and a drop out?... like this girl and her friends are all big $$$$ crowd folks... do ya think they would really like to have a doofus like me with them?... but on the way out, gina (the person she came with, the owner of another institution here for the visually impaired) told me that she told her and that it was an awesome idea and that i should go with them... well i guess ill be goin then... the girl seemed kinda nice though... hmm... still feeling kinda wierd cos t left... i swear it is wierd... all my life i saw her as a part of jeddah... whenever i came home for my vacations she was there... trust me... things ore gonna get worse cos aj has her boards this year and she'll be real busy and stuff... i feel lonely already...
t left today.... i know im being kinda selfish here but thats kinda shitty.... lets get to that later.... weeks been kinda eventful actually... never got to actually penning down an entry though... my mp3 player still fucked up... no progress there anyway (kinda like my life aint it?... all goes well excepting for tiny blemishes and KA-BLAAAMMO!!! its over in a sec...hmm...) my pc's been bitching a lot... sometimes when i switch it on the bios does not locate the harddisks... ill have to hard boot it all over again.... hard boot; does anybody even have to use that term anymore or am i the only one?... plus the pc wouldnt open musicmatch for the past 4 days... imagine... i wanna listen to some music and the pc hangs... then i gotta restart and i try again and POOF!... again.... fuck!!... but today... hmm... maybe its a so-called "good day" huh?... musicmatch started working again... but truly... im giving the pc two months tops... i aint guaranteeing anything more than that... after that or maybe even before... the things gonna die... my moods been horrible the whole week... now theres just aj whos left.... and i dont get to see her all too much cos shes real busy in school and stuff... its wierd.... first arun left... then i get to know neet for like a week and she leaves... t left today... i aint in contact with any of my friends in school... i never make any new friends cos i find ppl too shallow... well, most of em anyway... past two days ive been goin with mama to help out the HOPE stall at "le mall" (i swear... that must be the corniest name for a mall ever).... its like a disabled kids week and all the major schools have stalls there... so im goin there at 5 in the evening and im doin free face-paintings on kids til 9 or 9:30... its real tiring but hey its fun... its not just the disabled kids there are normal kids too... but the only downside to this is that i gotta comb and tie my hair cos mama says i might scare the kids otherwise... plus the place is crawling with ladies and (not forgetting this is saudi arabia) they might get scared of me too... the foirst day i musta easily done a 100 or more... and today - something like 80 or 90 kids... but its real tiring cos i have to bend and do the painting even when im sitting... we spoke to this brit woman while mama was doin her baby and she says all the westerners are scared to even get out of their houses... its really sad... she says they came to the mall today cos her kids were getting real bored at home... stupid terrorist mother fuckers.... look at the place... its all screwed up because of them... oh yeah... saw a girl today... ok i didnt technically see her but i met her... she volunteered at the stall today cos none of the teachers came today.... names shehreb or something like that (i meet one good person and i dont remember their name... how sad am i?... but she had a tough name though)... i didnt bother talking to her at first cos she was like all covered up... and i mean all... you can just see that she has a face through this translucent cloth shes worn like a burkha... i usually move away from girls like that cos, i dunno... ive never personally known anybody who'd walk around like that.... well... we started talking cos she was fascinated about my name... didnt know i was x-tian with my name being sanskrit and all... got to talking with her (it was still wierd though... i couldnt see her eyes...) i find out her moms an american and her dads a saudi... shes studying in the university and shes doin english.... she wants to do special ed but the course is not available in jeddah.. wants to do her doctorate in english and then do special ed somewhere else... we got to how this place sucks and why im stuck here and stuff and she says she'll call me during the vacations and i could go out with her and her friends during their vacations... i said what any other self respecting human would do... i said yes... but right now im having my doubts over this... would other ppl want to hang with me being broke and a drop out?... like this girl and her friends are all big $$$$ crowd folks... do ya think they would really like to have a doofus like me with them?... but on the way out, gina (the person she came with, the owner of another institution here for the visually impaired) told me that she told her and that it was an awesome idea and that i should go with them... well i guess ill be goin then... the girl seemed kinda nice though... hmm... still feeling kinda wierd cos t left... i swear it is wierd... all my life i saw her as a part of jeddah... whenever i came home for my vacations she was there... trust me... things ore gonna get worse cos aj has her boards this year and she'll be real busy and stuff... i feel lonely already...
6.12.2004
"She slothed for two months!"
Listening to : in flames - trigger
[CENSORED]
I didnt like this post, therefore i deleted it. - a
[CENSORED]
I didnt like this post, therefore i deleted it. - a
6.09.2004
me, myself and i - my worst enemies
Listening to : tool - no quarter
neet left for india today.... aj has been actin constipated for the past few days... im bored and lazy as usual (so what else is new?).... i broke my mp3 player today... FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!! CRAP!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! i dropped it onto the floor and POOF! the damn thing doesnt come back on again!!.... and its the first time ive ever dropped it in TWO yrs!... i connect it to the pc and open up its software and it says that there is an os error in the player... nothing i do is fixing it... there are no places here (shit-hole of the world) where i can get it fixed... fuck what a time to destroy something?... i cant even afford a new one right now... shit... two things i truly love and kablam!... ones destroyed... and please, dont tell me somethings gonna happen to my guitar too... i need a job... but no ones gonna take me because theres so much fuckin checking all over the place.... i feel... i feel... worthless... fucked up... i swear i need a shrink or something... see - thats first step in therapy... accepting that i have a problem... step number two is actually goin and seeing somebody about it... last night i dreamt that i was crushed under a truck while i was taking my walk... and today i was paranoid during my walk... lookin left and right every two or three steps... but sometimes i really wish i would die... atleast then this pain would be over... i hate myself... look at me... yuck!!... sometimes i feel like slitting my wrists or something... damn i need help.... you know its kinda amazing how well you can get to know a person in 3 days... ive known neetu for a while but i always though she was this really confused kid... but after the mega revelation a few days back i realize its just that shes kinda scared... lonely too... we got to talking seriously and i think we bonded... it was good actually... she needed someone to talk to... hmm... funny how you can give advice to a person and make them feel better but watch yourself getting more and more deranged everyday.... its easier to realize others' problems than truly stopping yourself from falling... man i hate human nature.... i fear all this self loathing is dragging me down a very self-destructive path which might eventually lead to something really stupid... i cant even sleep nowadays... i lie awake in bed realizing how much of my life im wasting by doing absolutely nothing... take today for example... i spent two hours of my life switching channels non-stop and not staying at any one channel for more than 15 seconds... theres nothing on tv... i even hate tv now... wonder when this hatred of mine's gonna stop... i swear it i cant even sleep anymore... i gotta mc for the arrengetram (this dance thingy) tomorrow and i dont even feel like writing shit down... i dunno... i feel sick (mentally)... really sick... man, i deserve a trip right now.... some weed or acid would do... booze dont do wack... im clean.... woo hoo i do not drink.... cigarettes... yuck... why do i need to ingest tar and screw my already screwed up body... but weed... weed is good... weed is not deadly... weed is not as addictive as tobacco or alcohol... plus weed is totally natural... problem is... i dont have any... i need cash for weed... i need a job to get cash... i do not have a job therefore i do not have cash therefore i do not get weed... therefore i stay fucked up in the head... and i do not like being this way... damn i miss my mp3 player already... it was like my therapist... all i needed to do was put on some good music and yeah baby... i get into that higher awareness thanks to the music... and its peacefull... no crap from myself.... serenity of the mind... atleast till i put it off... but now i dont even get that... and ppl say there is a god!... hmphh.... just hope nothing happens to my guitar cos thats my only refuge from myself... i need to stay away from myself somehow... im scared... i truly am... i am my own enemy... it is because of me that im here in this oh so fucked up predicament.... damn all you happy junkies... damn all you yuppie college ppl... i deserve some happiness too right?... but nooo i had to go fuck things up so bad that theres no way to pull my life back out of my ass... arun says im too hard on myself... but hey... i spent my whole life takin things as they came and what do i get... nada... crap... shit... man i need to make more of an effort or something... frankly speaking i dont know what to do anymore... im scared... shit scared... somebody hold me please before i fall down into and epileptic fit of self-degenerative verbal abuse... i seriously dont know what to do anymore... would someone please do me a favor and put me out of my misery?
neet left for india today.... aj has been actin constipated for the past few days... im bored and lazy as usual (so what else is new?).... i broke my mp3 player today... FUCK!!!! SHIT!!!! CRAP!!!! DAMN!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! i dropped it onto the floor and POOF! the damn thing doesnt come back on again!!.... and its the first time ive ever dropped it in TWO yrs!... i connect it to the pc and open up its software and it says that there is an os error in the player... nothing i do is fixing it... there are no places here (shit-hole of the world) where i can get it fixed... fuck what a time to destroy something?... i cant even afford a new one right now... shit... two things i truly love and kablam!... ones destroyed... and please, dont tell me somethings gonna happen to my guitar too... i need a job... but no ones gonna take me because theres so much fuckin checking all over the place.... i feel... i feel... worthless... fucked up... i swear i need a shrink or something... see - thats first step in therapy... accepting that i have a problem... step number two is actually goin and seeing somebody about it... last night i dreamt that i was crushed under a truck while i was taking my walk... and today i was paranoid during my walk... lookin left and right every two or three steps... but sometimes i really wish i would die... atleast then this pain would be over... i hate myself... look at me... yuck!!... sometimes i feel like slitting my wrists or something... damn i need help.... you know its kinda amazing how well you can get to know a person in 3 days... ive known neetu for a while but i always though she was this really confused kid... but after the mega revelation a few days back i realize its just that shes kinda scared... lonely too... we got to talking seriously and i think we bonded... it was good actually... she needed someone to talk to... hmm... funny how you can give advice to a person and make them feel better but watch yourself getting more and more deranged everyday.... its easier to realize others' problems than truly stopping yourself from falling... man i hate human nature.... i fear all this self loathing is dragging me down a very self-destructive path which might eventually lead to something really stupid... i cant even sleep nowadays... i lie awake in bed realizing how much of my life im wasting by doing absolutely nothing... take today for example... i spent two hours of my life switching channels non-stop and not staying at any one channel for more than 15 seconds... theres nothing on tv... i even hate tv now... wonder when this hatred of mine's gonna stop... i swear it i cant even sleep anymore... i gotta mc for the arrengetram (this dance thingy) tomorrow and i dont even feel like writing shit down... i dunno... i feel sick (mentally)... really sick... man, i deserve a trip right now.... some weed or acid would do... booze dont do wack... im clean.... woo hoo i do not drink.... cigarettes... yuck... why do i need to ingest tar and screw my already screwed up body... but weed... weed is good... weed is not deadly... weed is not as addictive as tobacco or alcohol... plus weed is totally natural... problem is... i dont have any... i need cash for weed... i need a job to get cash... i do not have a job therefore i do not have cash therefore i do not get weed... therefore i stay fucked up in the head... and i do not like being this way... damn i miss my mp3 player already... it was like my therapist... all i needed to do was put on some good music and yeah baby... i get into that higher awareness thanks to the music... and its peacefull... no crap from myself.... serenity of the mind... atleast till i put it off... but now i dont even get that... and ppl say there is a god!... hmphh.... just hope nothing happens to my guitar cos thats my only refuge from myself... i need to stay away from myself somehow... im scared... i truly am... i am my own enemy... it is because of me that im here in this oh so fucked up predicament.... damn all you happy junkies... damn all you yuppie college ppl... i deserve some happiness too right?... but nooo i had to go fuck things up so bad that theres no way to pull my life back out of my ass... arun says im too hard on myself... but hey... i spent my whole life takin things as they came and what do i get... nada... crap... shit... man i need to make more of an effort or something... frankly speaking i dont know what to do anymore... im scared... shit scared... somebody hold me please before i fall down into and epileptic fit of self-degenerative verbal abuse... i seriously dont know what to do anymore... would someone please do me a favor and put me out of my misery?
6.07.2004
om mane padme hum
Listening to : tool - pushit(live)
feeling strangely at peace with myself....
god, i love this pseudo-optimism!!
feeling strangely at peace with myself....
god, i love this pseudo-optimism!!
6.06.2004
me: the life-whore
Listening to : tool - h
why do i prefer being alone and miserable over the company of other so-called normal human beings... agreed i like being with some of my friends (i stayed over at t's place last nite cos i promised her id cook for her)... but meeting new ppl?... uh huh... nope... before i used to love meeting new ppl... but now... id rather be a lonely bastard than mingle with these leeches known as ppl... look around you... we're all surrounded by morons... and because of the extreme number of morons around us we exist in a plane of distorted norms... i wish i could wipe out all the loser morons in one big sneeze or something... the amount of dirty karmic energy surrounding us is inconcievable... i hate myself.... i wish i could just stop existing... i dont want this anymore... nothing is good... shit.... happiness is either nonexistant or very very very very scarce... so scarce that you'd have to search right up your ass with a knife to find it... are you truly loved while you dwell in unending hatred?...
"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again."
blech... all this numbing constancy bores me... i do not find any pleasure of the psyche in this dirty plateau... dirty dirty loneliness... emotional stagnation caused by the stranded mind of a worm.... i am worthless because of my lack of paper power... paper power... the bastard son of the shylock industrialistic tyrants... pigs... nothing is available with what you have... you need supposed scholarly thought patterns in the direction of the earth for your short, pointless lives of unnecassary hoarding... fuck it... fuck you... fuck your complacence... fuck your ignorance... fuck your egos... fuck your holier-than-thou attitudes... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you...
why do i prefer being alone and miserable over the company of other so-called normal human beings... agreed i like being with some of my friends (i stayed over at t's place last nite cos i promised her id cook for her)... but meeting new ppl?... uh huh... nope... before i used to love meeting new ppl... but now... id rather be a lonely bastard than mingle with these leeches known as ppl... look around you... we're all surrounded by morons... and because of the extreme number of morons around us we exist in a plane of distorted norms... i wish i could wipe out all the loser morons in one big sneeze or something... the amount of dirty karmic energy surrounding us is inconcievable... i hate myself.... i wish i could just stop existing... i dont want this anymore... nothing is good... shit.... happiness is either nonexistant or very very very very scarce... so scarce that you'd have to search right up your ass with a knife to find it... are you truly loved while you dwell in unending hatred?...
"The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again."
blech... all this numbing constancy bores me... i do not find any pleasure of the psyche in this dirty plateau... dirty dirty loneliness... emotional stagnation caused by the stranded mind of a worm.... i am worthless because of my lack of paper power... paper power... the bastard son of the shylock industrialistic tyrants... pigs... nothing is available with what you have... you need supposed scholarly thought patterns in the direction of the earth for your short, pointless lives of unnecassary hoarding... fuck it... fuck you... fuck your complacence... fuck your ignorance... fuck your egos... fuck your holier-than-thou attitudes... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you... fuck you...
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