why hath thou forsaken me?

Listening to : a perfect circle - diary of a madman & love song (live)

im so hurt i have no words to describe it right now....

Yahoo! News - Man Commits Suicide After Sex with Hen

what a moron?!!!

i told you we were surrounded by morons...

WOW!!

NewsFactor Network - - Boy Uses Internet Spy Plot to Arrange His Own Murder

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Listening to : tool - pushit

im feeling really depressed.... i really want to join college... if only i had got good grades in high school... its been exactly 2 yrs now.... ive been home doin nothing... just wasting away... i really want to be normal again... in college, lotsa friends, happy... yeah happy... atleast if our immigration papers were done in india we would have been gone by now... by last july even... imagine... i could have been in college by now... latest news is that all visas from saudi arabia has been indefinitely delayed till further notice... what the fuck?!!!... we cant go to india cos its just the last stages (the interview and the medical exam)... and even if we go we cant afford the tickets back right now... shit... papas been jobless now for 1 year and 10 months... now if our visa is cancelled - im dead... i havent passed high school... just my ged... ged is good enough for colleges in the states but i cant do wack with it in india... ill have to do my 12th grade all over again or something... fuck.... sometimes i wish we could go to india cos right now we're bankrupt... zilch, nada.... we aint got shit in the bank... over the past 2 yrs weve used up our savings and right now were running on fumes... and i aint exaggerating... man if i were in india id do something and earn a minimum of 5000 rupees and take a much needed break... actually it wont be a break, itd be more like a journey of self-discovery... yeah... id hitch hike till nepal and join a monastary for half a year or something... i really want to do that... ive always wanted to go to nepal and ive always wanted to truly study buddhism... shit, i dream too much... nothing ever works out my way and why do i continue to dream like this... i need some sort of release... im bottling up so much that i feel like crying right now... i dont know why i say crying because i truly cant understand exactly how i feel... but one thing i know is that crying leaves you with a sense of relief that cant be brought on any other way (lachrymology)... its like god's using you as a shit-pot... nothing good happens... everything you want is taken away from you... most of what you need is totally destroyed or not within reach... i really want to understand all this... and ppl ask me why i think so much about reason and causality and purpose... its because i find no purpose in my being... why do i exist if all i ever experience is pain... maybe its true... buddha said that all life is pain and joy exists only after we have lived through the punishment that is life... maybe thats it... all life is pain... theres no true joy in all this crap... maybe the few moments with friends and those rare moments with famile and those even rarer moments with yourself are like tiny breaks in this big cycle of hurt and pain... i really need to keep myself occupied... im driving myself insane...

i am a flesh eater again!!!!

Listening to : yeah yeah yeahs - maps

yesterday i sat down and typed out a huge entry and guess what... my pc crashes and it all goes... after that i just went off to bed... my pc is dieing... last week were the results for the 12th and 10th graders out here... t got 85%, neethu - 68%, lini - 68% and sreekala - 90%... man if i got scores like that i would have been running round jeddah naked or something... they all be real smart...

yesterday all of us went way out to tuwal to eat fish the real arab way... it was good... i broke my veganism after 5 months... as of yesterday im a carnivore... aj brought steffi along and i saw her after many moons (months actually)... there was grass there and everybody was trying to do handflips and stuff... imagine... me 92 kilos... and i can still pull off my old stuff... everything except the backflip... im scared of that cos i WILL (theres no might here) dislocate my shoulder again... afterwards i was comin home in g-kutty unc's car and he missed the exit in the highway... we reached home at 3:15 in the night... i stayed up a little while and found out t's marks, chatted with laksh and neeth for a while and as i was typing out an entry... POOF!!!... the pc crashes....

"Cuz I'm praying for rain
And I'm praying for tidal waves
I wanna see the ground give way.
I wanna watch it all go down.
Mom please flush it all away.
I wanna watch it go right in and down.
I wanna watch it go right in.
Watch you flush it all away."

as of last thursday i have officially quit work... ok not officially... i havent told the guys at the workshop yet... but atleast this time mama has agreed... and plus this karate teaching gig at mamas school means cashola... so hey... and plus im looking for another job... anybody out there know where i can get a job in jeddah email me ASAP....

im thinking of doing a fictional blog or something of the sort... something in the likes of "the blog of my left pinky" or "the blog on the formation of a turd" etc.... thats a good idea... lemme think about it...

the new Insanitarium

Listening to : dave matthews - gravedigger (acoustic)

ive totally revamped my blog... added comments, filled my profile, put up a pic... et al... shall pen out a real entry later... respect

Listening to : velvet revolver - slither (this song rocks!!!)

its been a while... not many goin ons in these parts... work sucks as always... life sucks - period... been really moody over the past few days... i have a feeling i need to see a shrink or something... prozac be-eth my mana... this guy at work... robin... he told me to take a break and look into myself... he said i have issued/demons i need to clear.... i know that.... always man... thing is i dont know how to go about it... i miss life... i miss the normality thats present in the plain and the mediocre.... i miss the old me... the me that never used to think... i was happier as a moron... once i start thinking i get really depressed.... sometimes im scared... sometimes im angry.... seriously wish i could get a real job... will be teaching karate at mama's school in the summer... will get some cash but i dont think ill use it on myself (bye bye guitar...)... ill give it to my folks they need it more than me right now.... pay the bills and stuff... life is shitty.... been listening to dave matthews'ravedigger a lot too.... its an awesome song... very real.... thing is... i hate it all... didnt go to work today cos i slept til 12 in the afternoon... i was awake til 4 last nite... look at me... its 1:40 and im still awake... its not just that... i aint interested in workin at the workshop anymore... atleast if i was paid something?... what the heck... i believe intensity leads to drain... lets think of thing lighter... shits light, right?... i aint makin sense... think ill go...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck ... aaaaaaaaaah yes.... what a relief....

ps: all blogger sites are unblocked again... maybe big brother does read the email i send them?...hmmm....

Jungian Types Test

Jungian Types Test - a cool jungian analystic test

a true artist

Alex Grey - now this is true art... this guy is a fuckin genius... he does most of the artwork for TOOL

Bunny Tsunami

Bunny Tsunami - this is one good blog... good reading... thank god blogdrive aint blocked... think ill move here... hmmmm......

stupid censoring mother-fucking cock-suckers!!!!!

Feeling : really pissed off
Listening to : tool - hush

do you know what?... these bastards have blocked all blogger sites... you get the blogger dashboard but none of the weblogs... i dont get to read any blogs anymore plus i dont get to read my own blog (agreed im as vain as the devil).... what the fuck is these ppls' prob huh... havent they heard of the basic human right - freedom of expression?... stupid tyrant mother fuckers... do they think that the oppressed ppl out here wont rebel just because they block a three fourths of the internet?... stupid bastards... no wonder all the sons-of-bitches out here have the brains of fleas... all their data intake is regulated to such an extent that they are fed the shittiest of the shit available to them... cant they go and shut down all the terrorist schools instead... and ppl go about complaining that job ad out here are unrealistic (just because companies ask for ppl to be fluent in english and computer literate... yea theyd rather be stupid).... they go on like this and its not gonna be just terrorist they're gonna breed... they're gonna creme de la creme of the ignorant.... bastards.... theres a limit... i cant even read my own blog... i wont be putting back the comment system cos- I CANT READ ANY COMMENTS!!!!!.... yall email me....fuck the system... destroy forced ignorance.... break the wall of censorship... peace all

ps: can somebody pls email me a proxy address that i can use... one from someplace that doesnt censor stuff.... thanx

From ashes to ashes, dust to dust.

Feeling : alive
Listening to : TOOL - Third Eye

things have been kinda messy over the past two weeks... three days back there was an accident.... a school bus accident... seven girls and one teacher died (R.I.P.)... it was really sad... got me thinking about Shihab (a class-mate of mine who died the year before last in a freak train accident), my g'dad and susamma aunty... in the saudi gazzette there was no explanation on how the accident happened but in the local mallu papers they said that a saudi tried to cut the school bus off and the driver, trying to save the bus from crashing into the car swerved off the road and toppled over a few times and hit a lamp post.... it was really sad... all those kids- so young... their whole lives ahead of them and POOF!... its over...so many injured and in the hospital right now and the worst part... two of the kids who died were the daughters of the driver... really shitty all this... the saudi guiy who tried to cut them off... he should be castrated and fed to the vultures... stupid sonovabitch!! how can the bastard sleep at night knowing that all this was because of him?...

last week i was like "im quitting work to search for something that pays me atleast a little money"... i stayed at home till sunday and then my moms says i gotta go back to work... atleast for a month she says... they dont understand how it is... i started goin so that i would get an experience certificate and hopefully learn to drive... its been three months and i still havent learnt how to drive... i had asked my dad and he had to act like a prima donna and say no like the prick he is... all this because i think... i shudda not thought about the moral implications of stealing the car and teaching myself how to drive when i was thirteen... you get screwed over by your own morality... plus i was in boarding school the whole time so i never got a chance there either... now i go back to work on monday and when i get there the owner of the workshop tells me to take a break for a week (WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!) cos the cops and the labor dept are going around taking ppl working without work permits to jail... so here i am at home... dreaming abou the money i dont have which ill use to get myself a nice electric guitar and an amp and distortion pedals and listening to lots of zeppelin, APC and TOOL...

was jaimie's bday today... went over there and stuff... they returned from egypt last thursday... t gave me a bookmark with heiroglyphic markings on it... and guess which book im reading?... "The Eye of RA" by michael asher....heh heh heh... lakshmi gave me the fifth season of friends on divx.... the stupid thing wouldnt play on my fossil of a pc... so ill be goin over there on friday to watch it at her place... aaah "eulogy"... one of my fave songs of all time just started playing just now... "He had alot to say. He had alot of nothing to say. We'll miss him.".... i swear the percussion intro is awesome... danny carey's use of the tom toms are awesome...

i asked one of the guys in the gym if he knew anyplace where i can get a job... he said hell ask around and tell me... ill be seeing him tomorrow... lets just hope he gets something for me... the air conditioner in my rooms been busted for he past few days... i havent been sitting online for that long, havent been playing guitar because its soo fucking hot... imagine working in a workshop under an asbestos roof with no airconditioning... plus the temeratures reach 35-40 degrees... celcius that is... its friggin sweltering out here... then you come home and you cant enjoy the comfort of sitting in your room and relaxing because you a/c is busted... damn life is for the dogs... hail crappola....

too lazy to type...

heres a little something i found at another blog...

Love Life by Asphyxiate
First name
Favorite fruit
Number of computers in your house
Number of lovers you will have in your entire life	3
Number of "true loves"	4
Your future	Potbellied bum living alone
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!