of pigs and pedals and pastels...

Feeling : kinda happy (for once)
Listening to : Minor Swing - Rachel Portman (from Chocolat)

not much has happened in the past week or so... just survived i guess... got myself pastels and a new sketch book today... wanna start a bit of drawwing... im in the mood... guitar class was fine... went to bala unc's party y'day... it was ok... not astounding or anything... im happy i guess... but im bored... nothin happening... got myself new guitar picks... still no cash for pedals and/or an iPOD... guess i gotta accept the fact that i never will have cash... searched all over the place for finger slides... pplk in the store said that they dont think slides are available anywhere in jeddah.... what kind of a fucked up place is this huh?... got work tomorrow...itys goin fine... just gettin bored and tired but no money...

reason is lost while truth be found
truth be told i be bold
heart made of gold i sit as im told
will you be my personal pig for me to hold?

incomplete life

Feeling : depressed
Listening to : nothing

i hate it all... everything sucks... i swear... i hate work... i hate coming back home evry night... i hate my bed... i hate everything... i dunno... cant put it all in words... feeling very depressed... hoping i would die in my sleep tonight... yea... that would be nice... and i wanna be cremated not burried... and my ashes should be thrown into the sea... atleast then ill travel the world... i usually dont like tellin ppl what i want... i made this big mistake by telling my folks i wanted an iPod and pedals for my guitar... they go ballistic saying im selfish and stuff...helloo... i didnt ask them to get it for me.... i just said that i wanted those things... i ask about getting a job here and they literally burst... im not saying i hate the workshop... its just that i work so hard from 8:30 in the morning till 12:30 in the afternoon and 4:30 till 8:30 at might....this is without pay.... so basically i end up dead-tired and lacking the time and will to do anything... i hardly go online, totally stopped reading... dont watch tv.... how could i?... im too fucking tired... i hardly have a life anymore... im too exhausted to do anything... they were like it would have been much better if i had graduated... so what if i passed... im not the one sitting and watching the propoganda driven bullshit on tv the whole day... and i go to work and end up fatigued and moneyless... why is my life so shitty... i dont even know why i do this anymore...i have nothing thats truly mine... my room im sharing with my brother... i dont even have privacy..... shit its 1:10 AM!!!... i gotta get up at seven.... man i cant even pen out a proper entry...fuck!

Greed - My personal sin

Feeling : greedy
Listening to : apocalyptica - nothing else matters

i know i havent been posting much lately... but i havent even been online in a few days... skipped work (can you even call it that? "work"... i dont even get paid...) today... wasnt feeling too good... finally got to removing the x'mas tree and did that... frankly speaking, today was totally lame... now thats a really dumb word - lame... i had this wierd dream a few days back... i guess it takes place in the near future or something... im in india and i go to visit tina whos (surprise! surprise!) studying in my old school in ooty (The Laidlaw Memorial School and Junior College, a part of the St. Georges society)... like i go in there and i hi-five my old principal... man that was wierd coz hes like one of those old fashioned brit styled anglo-indian ppl... very intimidating character... i remember the first time i saw him... i was 10... with his huge professors cape and all - he looked like dracula... the guy is atleast 6'2"... anyway... its all sketchy... dont remember most of the dream (guess i should start writing my dreams every morning like t huh?...) i meet t and we were talkin and stuff and when i asked her if she wanted anything... she said she wanted a guitar... then i took her out of school and went to spencer's (thats a mall in chennai [madras]... ooty is like 500 kms away but hey... its my dream and i control everything :) ) and i get her this awesome black acoustic guitar from tansen (this cool indian guitar company)... i always wanted a black guitar... wonder why my subconscious wanted me to give it to her... then we hung out for a bit and then i took her back... this school in reality, wouldnt let you out even if your parents came over... it was that strict and here i am hi-fiving dracula and taking t out for a while and they let her back in like ppl do it everyday... i guess nobody has any idea what im talking bout heh heh heh... i want money... yesterday while goin for work i felt like robbing this dorky looking guy... wonder why it is that even though you know you could get into trouble that your mind forgets all consequences when your head is filled with greed... you want something so much that you have some way to justify the shitty thing that you're gonna do to get whatever it is that you want... me i could control myself... but maybe thats what thieves thrive on... maybe theyre just compulsive about getting what they want and they want it so bad that all other things are mentally blocked off such that their perspective of right and wrong is distorted to such a degree that they feel that they are doing the right thing... the COMDEX (its like this international techno exhibition) is coming to jeddah from the 14 to the 17th of march... im sure there will be iPODs available there (iPODs are sold out all over the arabian peninsula)... if only i had 2000 bucks (thats in saudi riyal.... thats somethin like $600) i cud surely get myself one... im broke... i got nothin... nada... zilch... and my job dont even pay whack... come to think of it... i shudda robbed that guy... he looked like the type whod earn like 10 grand a day or somethin... he was drivin around in a jag... i wouldnt be too greedy... id have just taken 200 bucks and left the rest... i never was too greedy for cash... i remember whenever i had cash i would go and bust it in one nice swoop... id treat my friends, get myself something... never kept anything coz i was happy with cash or broke... now i just need enough to get myself an iPOD... im not greedy...just 2000 bucks... fuck it!... im greedy!!! im fucking greedy for an iPOD!!! i swear im gonna get an iPOD even if its the last thing i do!!!... ... ... i aint never getting an iPOD... im dooomed... DOOMED!!!

screw the indian academic system

Feeling : thoughtfull
Listening to : david usher - black black heart

got a call from ajnu like a half hour back... she sounded kinda bummed... no thats not the right word... scared... yeah, scared about her finals comin up.... steffi was at her place the past few days (they were studying together) and she had one of those pre-examination breakdowns... damn sad... ajnu was like she feeling lonely cos aruns not there and usually he was there to cry on (literally, aj manages to cry before almost every exam :D)... she was like it was wierd after steffi left like that and kinda nervous about the exams... they got chemistry first... ajnus worst subject... i remember back in school... 12th grade boards comin up (the indian equavalent of graduation... i studied in madras, india)... i was never much of an open-feeling type of person... i knew i was fucked... there was no way on earth i could learn anythin... but i did the wrong thing... i stuffed it all down... you know... shied away from everyone... listened to music whenever i got the chance... sat alone all the time writing stuff... i was one of those crazy noisy ppl back then... so when this started jude, dee [deepak], sibi, amu [amrith], sanjo [sayoojya] and tanky [arjun] (buddies in school... we were roomies, yup all of us!!)... somehow managed to get mama's address from my cupboard and wrote to her saying that i was going down into depression (which was true anyway)... most ppl would have been way pissed... but actually... these guys are fucking heroes man... they saved my life... mama came to india ASAP... she didnt tell me why... just said she'd come to support me emotionally... i remember thinking why she came... ive studied in boarding school since the 6th grade and she hadnt ever done anything vaguely like that before... when she came over to school to visit me id act cool... like nothing was wrong... but one day i snapped... man i started crying... cussing at the fucked up physics teacher that i had... shit i felt horrible... but i felt much better after that release actually... thosguys... my friends... i truly love those assholes... they literally saved my life... god knows what i would have done back then if mama hadnt come over... agreed i havent maintained contact with them for quite a bit but hey... i will never forget them... i guess the reason why i havent emailed them for a while is a feeling of inferiority that i feel because of the fact that they are ahead of me by 2 and a half years now... and thanks to my indian upbringing... its shoved into me soo damn hard that there is no other way to prove yourself other than by achieving academically... (im my own best psycho-analyzee... im a goood subject maybe because im two people, atleast by principles and a behavior) i tried my best but i flunked 2 subjects... math and chemistry... my folks said it was ok (later on i found out that papa thinks that im a fuckin fool... a nothing just coz i couldnt graduate)... i joined some private tuitions went over to aruns so that he could teach me... i worked my balls off... i truly thought i would get atleast 50%... i flunked... the second time... i went deeper down... it was sickening... i started writing again... which made me feel better... i used to write a lot... plain feeling on screen... but i used to delete most of them because of my compulsive freakiness about high standards in my literary workmanship... mama somehow convinced me to try one more shot at the exams... i joined another tuition at this other place... a few weeks later the guy throws me out of class saying it was because i was laughing... stupid motherfucker blamed me when it was this other dickless kid who wouldnt even speak up... i never went back... i studied on my own and did my GED like last september... thats september 2003... lets go back to the beginning... the time i first went into depression (before my boards) was jan 2002... one and a half whole depressing years later i get this rock taken off my shoulders... i do not thank god... screw god!... whats god got to do with anything... gods just mental support for the emotionally weak (a few weeks back i was chatting wiht aj and i got into this discourse about god... shes saved it... ill post it here after her exams...) now im here... working in a zero pay job... wanting to join college... im still broke and single... what a story huh?... cheers to life.

P.S. - if anybody out there feels sorry for me or likes my writing or likes my blog or wants to mail me some anthrax pls donate some money to the "Get Avi an iPOD Fund"... all you have to do is put US$2 (yeah... just 2 bucks... you could put more if you want :D) into an envelope and mail it to me at the address below i will start a column with you names in it (gimme you blog pages too so that i could link ya'll up)... i know there are many, many kind, generous, charitable people out there who feel sorry for me...

mail the cash to:

Avinash Jose Ignatius
c/o Mr Jose Ignatius
POBox # 11793
Jeddah - 21463
The Kingdom of Saudi Arabia

thanks all (in advance)...respect...

Kurt Wenner - Gallery of Work

Kurt Wenner - Gallery of Work

Awesome site featuring the works of Kurt Wenner...
A must see for art lover and hater alike...

hate thyself!

Feeling : pissed and stupid and sleepy and fuckin annoyed
Listening to : tool - forty six and 2

when you dont understand something its better off not knowing why you try to understand stuff you cannot understand... why want to better yourself when you are good as is?... agreed evolution is good, but when we watch ourselves evolving into a species of moronic, self-loving bastards i'd prefer us all being extinct... look around you... shit! thats all there is... SHIT!!!... nothings good... all we have is our personal rocks and pillars that we hang on to and the propoganda filled bullshit thats crammed down our throats at every turn... want... we all want something... do we get it?... i want to continue my studies... but can i?... NO!! not under these fucking circumstances... i want an iPOD... can i get one?... NO!! way over my fucking financial capabilities... why do we want when we clear enough know we wont get what we want when we want it?... thats the whole deal huh?... your fuckin dreams driving you to persue shit and stuff like that?... its stupid... its all fucked up... amen.

damn... i forgot my username... its hyperbolaic (incase i forget again)

looking into my very own warped mind

Feeling : strange
Listening to : epitaph - king crimson

have you ever dozed off for like 2-3 seconds and had a full length dream which to you seems like a few hours, or is it just me?... you know i was listening to ziggy stardust (david bowie) when i dozed off... i musta missed just one line but wow... i had this wierd-assed full-length dream... something about me robbin a drug store or something... but the point is that i had this dream in a span of like 3 seconds... if your subconscious can slow time down so much as to extend time it must be creating a simulacrum of time that you believe is real for your own purposes... imagine what you can achieve by being able to consciously control this "power" (if you can call it that)... your mind can run a 1000 times more of data through it per sec... meaning all the algorithmic calculations done in your mind will increase by geometric bounds... in lay-man's english that means that you will become a supercomputer... maybe thats how those super math geniuses (is that even a word?) do those mega calculations faster than most other people and they do it all mentally... maybe thats how you reach a high... the feeling of all-round well-being and awareness must be caused by the slowing of time in the mind... maybe not as fast as when you dream but a little atleast, which in turn leaves you with a feeling of omni-knowledgability... this to most followers of the zen and of buddha is enlightenment or the attainment of nirvana... now thats something to think about huh?...

mixed fruit, jam

Feeling : hungry
Listening to : smoke on the water - deep purple

mixed fruit, jam

slates of skin, chalk of bone
pain untold, screams unheard.
blue eyed stare, bloodied nose
broken limb, scratched elbow.
stitches stretching, bruises spreading
cuts opening, bones breaking.
faces twisted, eyes unblinking
mouths curled, ears tuned.
fingers shaking, knuckles cracking
fists flying, kicks soaring.
clothes tattered, money lost
assets gone, dignity stripped away.
friends lost, families disappeared
armies fighting, people crying.
public moaning, private slaughtered
leaders laughing, masses dieing.
murderers killing, rapists fornicating
governments torturing, leaders bullying.
lovers crying, partners lost
children missing, parents weeping.
papers rumpled, computers destroyed
radios brain-washing, televisions hypnotizing.
buildings falling, bridges collapsing
statues tumbling, houses of worship defaced.
art lost, hearts broken
innocence lost, childhood gone.
refugees running, united nations controlled
puppeteers smiling, resources stolen.
oil drained, barrels taken
tankers filled, cars polluting.
blind lead, blind follow
deaf hear, dumb speak.
politically incorrect, guerrilla warriors
rebels fighting, victims dieing.
peace unheard, wars fought
reasons unjust, people wronged.
terrorists win, innocent suffer
politicians whine, results bogus.
pain for all, victory for none
people still at large, nothing’s over!