moment

sound : Remember - Disturbed

i don't know why... but right now i had that feeling in the pit of my chest... that squeezing feeling that one getswhen they're just a moment before beaten up, the mini-second before their faces are beaten to a pulp, the little eon of time that passes in the space between your eyes and your eyelids, that feeling of fear and terror mingled just before you wait for the first punch in a fight.... the feeling you get when you remember something and you hurt.... yes, hurt.....

as soon as i played this song, i had this image of me sitting on the computer reading "Rama" by Arthur C. Clarke run through my head.... and in a split second saw the whole of last christmas... everything.... everything that happened then, which leads to the present Now...

i'm still hurting...

"I dont remember
To let them know
Whats given to me.
To hide behind the mask this time
And try to believe
If i can remember
To know know this will
Conquer me
If i can just walk alone
And try to escape into me."

peacerespectempathy

BRAIN FART - a vanity exercise

sound : Within You Without You - The Beatles

i hate it... i have so much running through my head nowadays its incredible..... a few days back arun told me to wake up... yes, monkeys and fellow pachyderms.... i was asleep... mentally asleep..... my brain has not functioned in a while now..... i feel this horrid weight, the weight of ignorance on my back... damn you... damn you!

so i have woken my brain up... and in the process i have opened this pandora's box full of monsters and beasties.... yes, my fellow assholes.... i have created a monster out of my mind.... i seek beauty now.... i always had but now anything i sense as being ugly, i loathe.... yes... ugliness be-eth my enemy.... by beautiful i dont mean pretty.... no, no, no, no, no.... by beautiful i mean.... i dunno what i mean..... last night i was talking to surya about beauty and she said, "avi, you are arty."... for a moment i thought she had just called me wierd in a strange twisted way... but then i smiled, all by myself at midnight i was smiling while typing messages to a girl who lives twelve timezones away from me..... yes.... i became remotely happy then when she said that i wasn't wierd.... i am not wierd.... im just the innovator as i've learnt in sociology.... i deny myself the means but crave for the goals....

crave..... yes, i crave.... i crave more than most.... i crave endlessly.... i have cravings for so many things that i switched my brain off for a while because of my failures in accumilating all of my cravings.... (thank you arun).... yes, i am awake now..... yes, i still crave.... but that doesn't mean i have to shut down all my faculties of abstract thought just so that i may live in my self-formed shadow of bleak, self-induced madness....

madness... i fell this madness of mine coming over me.... i don't know... i spend most of my outside time jokingly flirting with each and every feminine entity that i meet... why do i do that?... what is with this madness of mine?..... i guess it's just my way of proving to myself that i am not an ugly lout with no hopes of ever having a non-platonic relationship with any of the non-penile/boob folk..... amongst us penile-folk...we are very, ver insecure.... not many people realize that.... oh well.... we are the mis-understood, testicled beings.... lord have mercy on our souls.....

tuyet was stabbed a few days back and i have been pulling an atlas with her soul for the past two days..... as usual... boy/girl meets girl/boy.... they start to like eeach other and...

KA-BLAAAAM!

boy/girl gets heartbroken.... what is with this thing called love anyway?.... why does most people who fall in love tend to look like road-kill at the end of the cycle????

oh well.... i guess i shall muscle on through my own dark corridoors of false madnesses and lengthy monologues of the soul(-less).... i shall crave and lust... greed and torture... i shall hurt and kill.... why does the universe even agree to let me be as i am.... i am just cosmic-faeces waiting to be ejected out of this damn plane....

i have got to find some way to release these monsters from inside of my head.... i can't do this anymore..... for now my dear boys and girls.... i bid you a bummed out "adios!"....

GOOD GOD MAN! i hate the damn corrolla....

peacerespectempathy

insurance companies are evil....

sound : Silent Spring - Probot feat Kurt Brecht

what do i say?.... it's been a while, thats for sure.... how do i put it.... i've been riding the waves again.... yeah... the crests and the lows are back... what the heck is wrong with me?.... shit!....

yeah.... im losing the fight against the priests of dogma.... my defences are holding up but i have to let go.... im running out of supplies..... in the end i'll have to let the drawbridge down.... and then... then what?... do i become one of the generic clones of the million dravidian descented monkeys that walk these dirty plains?.... i can feel it happening... atleast i am not on the path of career-shit land... not yet anyway..... but even though i fought that away so far i have new battles to fight.... damn this.... my generals are giving up.... my head commander (the bastard!) just ran away to the enemy with my daughter in tow.....

i might have to get a frickin' corrolla... i know i hate the damn thing but since i have no credit even though i can make my payments i'll have to buy the thing in papa's name and they aren't agreeing to anything other than a corrolla or a civic... damn....

i test drove a mustang a few weeks back... man oh man!.... i was in love as soon as i sat in the driver's seat.... she responded to my every touch with a purr.... i took it upto 60 with absolutely no problems and the brakes would just help me slow down as i touched em..... it was a thing of pure power and beauty.... the 2002 mustang SRS.... i could pay off the car.... no doubt about that.... but the insurance kills the whole deal.... i'd have to pay more for insurance per month than the car itself...... i felt my soul just crumple up and slide under and into my butt.... and trust me, that aint a good feeling....

now everybody here is all "anti-twodoor" and stuff..... and now..... they're all into me getting the mallu-mobile.... yes i am mallu..... i dont care... but do i really want to be one of the sheep?.... every mallu here has a camry or an accord.... and their kids have corrollas and civic respectively... i mean, what the hell?.... what ever happened to a person's sense of uniqueness.... i'd rather buy a hyundai man..... i hate the corrolla..... it is the every-car.... oh well....

i might end up with a corrolla anyway....

balls...

peacerespectempathy

"And no-one sings me lullabies..."

sound : Echoes - Pink Floyd

I have to get Pink Floyd's "Pulse" DVD that's coming out on december 5th.....

I must!....

must... have... pink... floyd....

peacerespectempathy

"My Smile Is A Rifle"

sound : Carvel - john Frusciante

i sure am glad that john frusciante kicked his habit before californication... agreed that "niandra lades..." and "smile from the streets you hold" are true works of genius but, the truth be told.... you and i know tha if JF had continued along the path he was on back then we might not have had a chance to listen to aural works of art like "californication" and "by the way"... even his newer solo albums are awesome.... "shadows collide with people" - sheer beauty on plastic..... seriously.... it's a good thing he's still around... look at the picture.... this was a pic of him back in 1996 during one of the sickest portions of his addiction... he looked like a cross between edward scissorhands and jack white...

READ THIS!... it's really edifying...

now i'm gonna go to my room and play "under the bridge"...

peacerespectempathy