10.22.2007

Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen)

- Baz Luhrmann

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '99...

Wear Sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….You're not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind…the race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life…the most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…what ever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can…don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own..

Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go,but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time it's 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

10.15.2007

"Boney was a Warrior"

CAST:
Filliburton - A homeless man who believes he is a pirate. He was once a lawyer.
Jo - Your typical long frizzy haired, metal band tee wearing teenager.
Rollin - A dread-locked, grill wearing, drug addicted thug. A true "gangsta".
Ciaran - A quiet, introverted violinist.

(It is a rather small elevator in a government building. We do not know where or what building it is, we just know it is a government building. A metal box, buttons on the inside, a five person limit; it is your typical claustrophobia inducing elevator.)


(Enter Filliburton)

Fill. Aar to find me ship I gots to go up, into the sky in a little metal box! Which number shall I press? (Closes his eyes and randomly hits a button, the button for floor 57 lights up)

Fill. Whoa thar! This box be moving faster than I hoped!

(Filliburton watches the numbers light up one by one. The elevator stops, the light is at 7, the door opens and we see Jo standing outside scratching his head)

Jo. Going up bro?

Fill. I be going up lad, hop on in!

(Jo enters and stands beside Filliburton; he presses the button for the thirty second floor)

Jo. So, bro... What are you doing here, man?

Fill. To find me ship lad. It be at the top o' this tower.

Jo. Righteous man, I'm here to see The Man. He owes me a favor.

(The elevator stops. It is the eighteenth floor. In walks Rollin, His jewelry making a clinking sound with every step. He looks at Filliburton and Jo and then without a word, he presses a button (floor 63) and stands beside Jo)

Jo. Dude, nice bling man!

Fill. Aar! You got more booty aroun' yer neck than I gots in me treasure chest.

Rollin. (Dismissively) Hmm... Yeah...

(They go up in silence. Rollin looks around at the other two people and decides to stare nonchalantly at the door of the elevator)

Jo. (To Rollin) Are you here to see The Man?

Rollin. No, I’m here for business...

Jo. True, true....

Fill. Beware the wind me mates! She be the finest lady one moment and then a nasty wench the other! I remember back when I was the captain of the Purple Maze with a parrot on me shoulder, I traveled the seven seas with me crew. They were the finest bunch of barnacle-bearded seamen mine eyes have ever witnessed...

Jo. (In endless delight) Dude, you said SEAMEN!

Rollin. (To himself) Wow, what a bunch of retards...

(The elevator stops again, it is now at the 21stth floor. Enter Ciaran carrying a violin case and a folder with staff paper in it)

Ciaran. (To no one in particular) going up.

(He presses the button for the 59th floor and moves into one of the corners of the elevator)

Fill. Ahoy lad, play your fiddle for us if you will...

Ciaran. I'm sorry sir; I am not prepared to perform right now.

Jo. Come on man, play for us. Bury us in your musical excellence.

Ciaran. No.

Jo. Why not? Do you think you're better than us dude?

Ciaran. Not really.

Jo. So what? Why wont you...

Rollin. (Cutting in) Leave him alone. He doesn't want to play right now.

Ciaran. (To Rollin) Thank you.

(Rollin nods in acknowledgement)

(The elevator jolts to a stop between the 24th and the 25th floor. The lights blink for a second and an alarm starts ringing)

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Rollin. What the fuck?!?!

Jo. Whoa!

Fill. The ship is struck! Man the turrets! Arm yerselves scallywags!...

Ciaran. Calm down everybody. It's just a small problem. Somebody will come to help us within a few minutes.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Rollin. And how are you so sure of this?

Jo. (To Rollin) He's right bro, somebody has to come in a few minutes.

Rollin. They better. I don't have the time to be stuck in this damn elevator!

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Jo. (Trying to change the flow of conversation, to Ciaran) So dude, what are you upto man? What brings you to these parts.

Ciaran. Business.

Jo. That’s cool man. I guess you like to hold on to your privacy. I'm here to see The Man. He owes me a favor.

Rollin. (To Jo) Does this "The Man" have a name?

Jo. He's The Man man. I guess that's his name.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Rollin. (Getting agitated) That can't be his name!

Fill. I once knew a man with no name.

Rollin. Oh shut up!

Fill. We called him Boney. Boney was a warrior/A warrior and a Terrior.

Rollin. Oh good lord...

Fill. Boney fought the Russians/The Russians and the Prussians.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Rollin. Stop it!

Jo. Let him sing dude, I like it.

Fill. Moscow was a-blazing/And Boney was a-raging.

Rollin. You like that? That sounds like shit to me.

Fill. Boney went to Elba/Boney he came back again.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Jo. What's shit to you is good music to me.

Fill. Boney went to Waterloo/There he got his overthrow.

(Ciaran watches on as Jo and Rollin continue to argue over Filliburton's singing)

Rollin. (to Ciaran) Whatchu lookin' at?

Fill. Then they took him off again/Aboard the Billy Ruffian.

Ciaran. (Looks down) Nothing.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Jo. Don't be pushing the little dude, he didn't do anything to you.

Fill. He went to Saint Helena/There he was a prisoner.

Rollin. (to Filliburton) What the fuck is wrong with you man? Stop singing!

Fill. Boney broke his heart and died/Away in Saint Helena.

Jo. Leave the poor dude alone, he's not well...

Fill. Give her the t'gan's'ls/It's a weary way to Baltimore.

Rollin. One more line and I'm gonna....

Fill. Drive her, Cap'n, drive her/and bust the chafing leather.

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Rollin. That’s it! (moving towards Filliburton) I'm going to kick his ass!

Jo. (Steps between them) Stop!

Fill. (To Rollin) I'll skewer yer gizzards you lily-livered bastard!

(You hear three gunshots. Filliburton, Jo and Rollin are on the floor in a pool of blood. Ciaran is still in the corner, his violin case open on the floor beside him, a gun in his hand. The alarm is still ringing.)

(RIIIIIIIING!...)

Ciaran. Assholes...